I find it quite a nice coincidence that I got to be with you the very day I started working on my final paper on Philosophy regarding love. Maybe this is even some kind of unconscious will that manifested without me noticing. Maybe before I could write properly about love, I needed to see you; I needed you. Some questions ask for some real accounts, if possible. Now, I won't be writing about you in there, no no. I wouldn't to riddle my term paper with unnecessary biases and stories of my (*cough* our) past (hahaha).
But rest assured, images of you will surely flash through my mind as I write this 10-paged monstrosity. I'll probably stop once in a while to think of you and let things sink in deeper than usual. Let me fuel each line I type with our memories scattered throughout these 4 years of ups and downs.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
the "why?" of things
Ever since I was a kid, and up till now that I'm thin, perverted perfectly healthy almost-20 man, there is one phrase I still thoroughly believe in.
(or not. i didn't care to check if they are indeed logically the same. marry me.)
My father only said it to me once when I was a little boy, but somehow, it got stuck in this brain of mine. If I remember correctly, he used crying as an example.
I haven't really realized that I've been adhering to it until I got to college. Then again, "everything" does mean, well, everything. Including the effects of inanimate or non-sentient entities, strokes of luck or misfortune, countless coincidences that happen all around us, which, as the phrase suggests, happens or is done for a reason. This may now suggest that there is an external force, holding that reason, that compels things to happen as they do, which in turn, is a point of a heated, not to mention pointless, argument between idiots of two ideologies. So I like to narrow down that "everything" to people. People's thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, reactions, everything. Everything we do has a reason.
We've only had 2 "informal" sessions in our introductory psychology (during the time of writing), but I've come to realize a very humbling feature of the course. Psychology (as per my narrow view of it), and the question "why?" in general, begs us to be more compassionate as we navigate through life. The need to understand other people's reasons (and just as importantly, your own) for doing the they do steers us away from ignorant hate. Before you go on a rampage on how they're not supposed to disagree with you because they are brainless maggots without breeding, stop, calm yo tits, breathe, and think. Even in an age where trolls have become as common as sidewalk trash, I still like to adhere to the belief that people just don't do things for no reason. There will always be a force propelling them to the direction they are headed. Understanding what this force is may not necessarily lead us to agree with other people, but at the very least, it prevents you from taking things too personally (a problem I know I have, after years and years of internally denying it) and spark conflict. Usually, in order to understand the "why", we have to elevate ourselves from the situation; an overseer's perspective. This lessens the chance of conflict since there's at least one person who understands the situation, and has the opportunity to alleviate it : you.
And this is exactly why I dislike blind haters. People who shouts out their dismay on matters without understanding why the hate on it; what exactly ticks them off. This leads to an overblown display of discontent on a general or broad view of the matter, when in fact, they are only irritated by one aspect of it. I've been irritated by a bunch of people in the past. Some still do. Ok, most still do. But that's only because they're a pretty small bunch! (see: excuses)
Anyway, the point is, I've started examining myself why I'm irritated at these people. Turns out, even if at time, I'd like to smite them out of existence, I'm only repulsed by certain aspects of them. That's when I try to examine them. Why do they act that way? What are their reasons? Oftentimes, they're reasons far beyond the surface; far beyond the little quirks that annoy the sht out of me. At times, I even find myself reaching out to them to talk about their problems, the very reason why they act like dicks. Now, even if I understand them, it doesn't exactly erase my irritation of them completely, but I at least can steer clear of their ticks or even prevent them from acting that way by not triggering them with my actions. As long as they don't do their sht, it won't annoy me, and we'd be able to co-exist and have fun together.
Understanding the my own reasons are especially important to me. I've come to realize that I don't usually understand why I feel the emotions I feel. When I was little, I learned to love (fine, admire. don't go nuts with the wild idea of kids falling in love) certain people of the opposite gender. I grew a little older and I started feeling a tightness in my chest whenever the people I care deeply about seem happy with other people. A few years more, I've come to understand that this was jealousy. It felt impure when contrasted with "love", the feeling that I was supposedly feeling. It was not a feeling I was ready to accept as my own. Only years after that I've come to terms with it and say, "You know what, that's normal!" Obviously, the next evolutionary step was the question, why?
Why is it normal to be jealous? Why do I get jealous? Is it the same reason across different events and different people? Why do I feel the same sensation even without the presence of another guy? Does it also count as jealousy? If not, what is it, and why do I feel that way?
Ironically, I'm comforted by the amount of questions that pop up when thinking about my own emotions. To me, it means that the answer is not shallow. It can't be contained recklessly using words like "jealousy" or "love" because these words are not light. They have weight. They are heavy, and so are my emotions. Anyone's emotions, for that matter. It's a jumble of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants. And at the root of it all, a reason. An answer to the "why" of things.
Walang nangyayari nang walang rason.Nothing happens without a reason. A slightly more confusing way of saying "everything as a reason".
My father only said it to me once when I was a little boy, but somehow, it got stuck in this brain of mine. If I remember correctly, he used crying as an example.
Walang umiiyak ng wala lang.Maybe I was crying back then and I didn't want to tell him why. That part I can't remember.
I haven't really realized that I've been adhering to it until I got to college. Then again, "everything" does mean, well, everything. Including the effects of inanimate or non-sentient entities, strokes of luck or misfortune, countless coincidences that happen all around us, which, as the phrase suggests, happens or is done for a reason. This may now suggest that there is an external force, holding that reason, that compels things to happen as they do, which in turn, is a point of a heated, not to mention pointless, argument between idiots of two ideologies. So I like to narrow down that "everything" to people. People's thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, reactions, everything. Everything we do has a reason.
We've only had 2 "informal" sessions in our introductory psychology (during the time of writing), but I've come to realize a very humbling feature of the course. Psychology (as per my narrow view of it), and the question "why?" in general, begs us to be more compassionate as we navigate through life. The need to understand other people's reasons (and just as importantly, your own) for doing the they do steers us away from ignorant hate. Before you go on a rampage on how they're not supposed to disagree with you because they are brainless maggots without breeding, stop, calm yo tits, breathe, and think. Even in an age where trolls have become as common as sidewalk trash, I still like to adhere to the belief that people just don't do things for no reason. There will always be a force propelling them to the direction they are headed. Understanding what this force is may not necessarily lead us to agree with other people, but at the very least, it prevents you from taking things too personally (a problem I know I have, after years and years of internally denying it) and spark conflict. Usually, in order to understand the "why", we have to elevate ourselves from the situation; an overseer's perspective. This lessens the chance of conflict since there's at least one person who understands the situation, and has the opportunity to alleviate it : you.
And this is exactly why I dislike blind haters. People who shouts out their dismay on matters without understanding why the hate on it; what exactly ticks them off. This leads to an overblown display of discontent on a general or broad view of the matter, when in fact, they are only irritated by one aspect of it. I've been irritated by a bunch of people in the past. Some still do. Ok, most still do. But that's only because they're a pretty small bunch! (see: excuses)
Anyway, the point is, I've started examining myself why I'm irritated at these people. Turns out, even if at time, I'd like to smite them out of existence, I'm only repulsed by certain aspects of them. That's when I try to examine them. Why do they act that way? What are their reasons? Oftentimes, they're reasons far beyond the surface; far beyond the little quirks that annoy the sht out of me. At times, I even find myself reaching out to them to talk about their problems, the very reason why they act like dicks. Now, even if I understand them, it doesn't exactly erase my irritation of them completely, but I at least can steer clear of their ticks or even prevent them from acting that way by not triggering them with my actions. As long as they don't do their sht, it won't annoy me, and we'd be able to co-exist and have fun together.
Understanding the my own reasons are especially important to me. I've come to realize that I don't usually understand why I feel the emotions I feel. When I was little, I learned to love (fine, admire. don't go nuts with the wild idea of kids falling in love) certain people of the opposite gender. I grew a little older and I started feeling a tightness in my chest whenever the people I care deeply about seem happy with other people. A few years more, I've come to understand that this was jealousy. It felt impure when contrasted with "love", the feeling that I was supposedly feeling. It was not a feeling I was ready to accept as my own. Only years after that I've come to terms with it and say, "You know what, that's normal!" Obviously, the next evolutionary step was the question, why?
Why is it normal to be jealous? Why do I get jealous? Is it the same reason across different events and different people? Why do I feel the same sensation even without the presence of another guy? Does it also count as jealousy? If not, what is it, and why do I feel that way?
Ironically, I'm comforted by the amount of questions that pop up when thinking about my own emotions. To me, it means that the answer is not shallow. It can't be contained recklessly using words like "jealousy" or "love" because these words are not light. They have weight. They are heavy, and so are my emotions. Anyone's emotions, for that matter. It's a jumble of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants. And at the root of it all, a reason. An answer to the "why" of things.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
I often find myself biting my lip lately. I've been my most truthful to myself recently, but ironically, I've held more things within myself than ever before. I've been strengthening my shell as much as I could. I'm hoping this would be enough to protect me to a certain extent against the forthcoming waves, but at the same time, everything inside it gets trapped. It builds pressure. This is one of those little cracks that I want to allow so that a little bit of steam would shoot off.
Realization.
I'm scared. Terribly scared.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Scattered Memories
So as it turns out, I might have lost my Lab/Lec attendance sheet for CS194. I'm positive it's with me, dammit! Or in the province. I don't want to go back just to look for a piece of paper. That would be a huge waste of time and money. And like any panicking student would do, I turned the whole unit over. Minutes into looking for the elusive sheet of paper, I've come across a lot of junk that reminded me of different experiences I had during the 3 years I've currently spent in college. So I decided to log some of them that I've found interesting and tell you a bit about the story behind each one. Hopefully, I find my attendance sheet along the way. Lezzgow!
- CS135 "Mission Sheets" - Exercise problems....? I'm not sure. It was called "Missions" in the sheets so let's leave it at that. Skimmed through it for a bit. I'm not sure how I got the answers for them, but I think I was able to pass it one way or another. Not really sure what I found interesting in that one. I'm not sure about a lot of things in this one. Moving on.
- My All-Purpose Notebook - Used this one last semester. That's the only notebook I brought to school for the whole semester, and excluding all the doodling and scratch solutions to different problems across multiple subjects, I haven't even filled half of the notebook. I'm pretty sure this is not how I should be studying.
- Chynna's random drawings on my all-purpose notebook - There are a number of drawings of girl's faces in my notebook drawn by aforementioned friend. I remember she remarked that she liked drawing on my notebook because there really isn't much in it that's especially important....or something like that. Hahaha, hello there, Chynna!
- A bunch of CS145 Machine Exercise sheets and Long Exam sheets - They're scattered in different places across the house. But honestly, this is one of the most fun subjects I had this semester. My chest stings a bit while looking through each of them. *sigh* NDSG...
- A Forever 21 Gift Card - Ooooh, guuuuurl!!! I forgot I had this. No no, this is not my mom's. This is seriously mine. My mom's good friend gave it to me when she came to visit. Better use this some time.
- UP Sikat App Sheet - An introductory sheet where the general guidelines of the app process is written. There's also a blank space in the other half for notes. There was nothing written on it. From time to time, I still think if I made the right decision.
- A couple of ArtStud1 ice breakers - They're shaped like miniature UP blue books in different neon colors. It was such a fun class with a very fun prof. I knew I could have aced that class or at least got a high grade from it. But no, I dropped that course for a really dumb reason which I haven't told my mom about. I plan to graduate first before telling her. That day is slowly, but surely, coming.
- Gabbi's crumpled up debut invitation - The coolest invitation I got for anything, ever. (I don't get a lot of invitations.) It has a four-panel comic on the first half and a self-proclaimed "nerd and geeky invite" on the other. It wasn't an typical debut either. She invited our block to go laser tagging and pizza. Looking back at the photos, this might be one of the few times our block's been close to being complete. Good times. *random note : almost 2 years after, I still adhere to my belief that the boy in the comic is unbelievably reminiscent of someone very close to Gabbi's heart. HAHAHA hi Gabbi!
- A pseudocode for AES's Mix Column step and a list of things I needed to do for that certain weekend - Just a bunch of things I wrote down on some random paper I had in my back, written in some pencil I conveniently had lurking in my bag back then. I wrote this down in the Ministop beside Robinson's Manila. I was so bored (and tired of walking around) I was forced to doodle about work. That was such a long and exhausting day. It didn't end pretty.
- A compressed version of "June at Johnny"'s script where the previous bulet point was written on - Didn't remember I wrote it there until I unfolded the paper. It ended up being a scratch paper since when I printed it out in a computer shop, it came out with all the spaces deleted. Had to retype everything AND reprint everything. I was late to theater class because of that. Such a waste of time and money.
- An Angry Birds rubber ball - Nope, no nostalgia trip here. Just gave me a way to waste a couple of minutes bouncing it off the walls and chasing it under tables and counter tops. Also missed a few heartbeats when it repeatedly tried to jump off my window 32 stories up from the ground.
And now I don't have any energy nor willingness to find that damned paper. I don't want so fail a one unit course just because of a freaking piece of paper that just might be left in the province. Oh man oh man oh man. But whatever, it was fun going through my stuff and talking about some of them. I can't throw any of them out. It's good to have a reminder of the past lying around the house or somewhere inside one of my bags. Big or small, good or bad, they're still remnants of the past that shaped me, and are now dear memories I'd treasure...until I forget them one by one because of age.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Simplicity
Simplicity doesn't only manifest in things like clothing, or design or patterns. One can also manifest simplicity in terms of thoughts and emotions.
It's one of the few ideals I've come to adhere to in my 19 measly years of existence. Things rarely need to be complicated, especially when it comes to one's inner issues.
But with simplicity comes courage. Ironically, some people find it easy to hide behind complex walls and barriers. It might be comforting to some extent.
Simply opening the door and being vulnerable to the bright sunlight maybe as scary as it is enticing.
My point is, I sincerely hope you will all be touched by this sense of simplicity accompanied, of course, by a deep well of courage to help you embrace the bright outdoors.
:)
Complexity
There are a bunch of times that I feel compelled to write something in this blog without any prior plans of doing so nor any prior inspiration to do so. This is one of those times.
...
Oh I know what to write about.
Things have been relatively peaceful around me for quite some time now. Hmm, actually, let's call it "more quiet". Probably, this can be attributed to the fact that the semester's ending and everyone's focusing on their academics. Or maybe, the fire fueling many of us have already been watered down by a freezing cold dose of "reality." That, or everyone just collectively stopped giving a fck. Whichever may be the case, the silence is refreshing.
Then again, silence is not an indication that the gears have stopped moving.
Everything seems to be happening in the background now. Just in the back of their minds, the depths of their hearts. Sometimes they'll let out a little scream out, but otherwise, they look happy, or at least, stable. I'd like to think that they are finally stable, or getting there. Except, I can't.
There's so much complex emotions and ideals tangled together that an abrupt stop just doesn't justify it. This complexity that they've been putting up with is what bothers me. Then again, what is a human being without some degree of complexity. We'll be too boring that the gods might just smite us as a race if we don't have that inherent complexity.
Ok, let me back up a bit and revise what I've said. It's probably not the complexity that bothers me, but it's repetitiveness. Yeah, that feels better. The complexity of it all has trapped many in a recurring and exhausting cycle. It's fine dealing with complex emotions and ideals, so long as progress is made. It's exasperating to not see things changing.
Then again, I acknowledge the fact that complex things need time. I just can't take that some things have become cyclical, others too deep.
Looking at it in a different perspective, perhaps the reason I'm turned off by all of this is simply because I can't relate to it as of the moment. In a way, I should consider myself lucky for being spared of the burden of worrying about such complex (inner) problems as I'm writing this entry. Then again, if I ever do encounter such complications, I'll make sure I can trust myself no matter what. In the end, the greatest pull will always come from within oneself.
Encountering a complication is inevitable, but getting stuck in one is a choice.
...
Oh I know what to write about.
Things have been relatively peaceful around me for quite some time now. Hmm, actually, let's call it "more quiet". Probably, this can be attributed to the fact that the semester's ending and everyone's focusing on their academics. Or maybe, the fire fueling many of us have already been watered down by a freezing cold dose of "reality." That, or everyone just collectively stopped giving a fck. Whichever may be the case, the silence is refreshing.
Then again, silence is not an indication that the gears have stopped moving.
Everything seems to be happening in the background now. Just in the back of their minds, the depths of their hearts. Sometimes they'll let out a little scream out, but otherwise, they look happy, or at least, stable. I'd like to think that they are finally stable, or getting there. Except, I can't.
There's so much complex emotions and ideals tangled together that an abrupt stop just doesn't justify it. This complexity that they've been putting up with is what bothers me. Then again, what is a human being without some degree of complexity. We'll be too boring that the gods might just smite us as a race if we don't have that inherent complexity.
Ok, let me back up a bit and revise what I've said. It's probably not the complexity that bothers me, but it's repetitiveness. Yeah, that feels better. The complexity of it all has trapped many in a recurring and exhausting cycle. It's fine dealing with complex emotions and ideals, so long as progress is made. It's exasperating to not see things changing.
Then again, I acknowledge the fact that complex things need time. I just can't take that some things have become cyclical, others too deep.
Looking at it in a different perspective, perhaps the reason I'm turned off by all of this is simply because I can't relate to it as of the moment. In a way, I should consider myself lucky for being spared of the burden of worrying about such complex (inner) problems as I'm writing this entry. Then again, if I ever do encounter such complications, I'll make sure I can trust myself no matter what. In the end, the greatest pull will always come from within oneself.
Encountering a complication is inevitable, but getting stuck in one is a choice.
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