To my dearest

You may have noticed something has changed in the way I interact with you. For what it's worth, I'll admit it's deliberate. I do put conscious effort in sounding more distant than I normally, truthfully, am. I intentionally dodge moments that I feel will turn to cheesy, albeit heartwarming, conversations with cool topic enders. I try my best to refrain from complementing every part of your being whenever I have a chance. I'd throw a flat sign of slight approval instead. One that even sounds like I forced it out my mouth just to make you stop from feeling bad.

Yeah, I do that now.

I'm just protecting myself. If I let myself indulge in the euphoria of spending time with you, I fear I'd lose myself again. Whenever I put my guard down, I become a slave of your presence. I can't even be the master of my own emotion. You take me from one end of the spectrum to the other. You've caused me most of my biggest heartaches, yet why is it that your slightest nudge of odd sweetness launches me to the heavens? It's not fair!

I just want to get a tight hold of myself. Lately, whenever you fill my heart with joy, a tinge of disappointment seeps in.

"Here you go again, feeling all fluttery and smiling like an idiot. Haven't you learned your lesson yet? You know in yourself that this is isn't a race, nor a marathon. Your stuck in a treadmill. You run for as long as you  can, but you never really move an inch forward. Then you're calves tighten, your legs start to hurt. Eventually, you're heart gets worn out and you stop. Exhausted. Not an inch forward."

Going through this cycle makes me feel like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still an idiot, nonetheless.

So please, let me be detached, or act detached, for a little longer. By acting like it, maybe my heart will actually learn to live without needing your warmth.

Because if I'm not always on my toes... If I let up even for a second and allow even your fingertip to touch me, all my walls would crumble yet again. My very core will be in the clutches of your soft, tiny hands. And as it always has been, I'll be left bare, vulnerable, enslaved by your smile.