...

I will never read FHM, or any magazine for that matter, when I get my hair cut. Ever.

If I wasn't that engrossed on reading (note that, reading. not just looking at the sexy pictures.), maybe I could have prevented the hair cutter from trimming of 85% of my hair! Now, I look like I just got out of a military training facility. Or maybe like Adam Levine. Minus the panty-dropping hotness and appeal. Fck.

On Dodging A Bullet

I did the right thing. I know I did. Honestly, I really wanted to go and compete. But...with the right people. I'm not saying I don't like them. It's just that I don't know if I can work well with them. Maybe I'm being too picky for my level. I really feel that I am. And I feel really bad. But I'd rather feel that than stuck myself in a position that will only toxify me. (google's underlining the word "toxify". maybe it's not a real word. dunno. but you get it right?) Well, what's done is done. I'm sure I dodged a bullet by doing so. So still, good job, me, for having the guts to say no.

Man Period

It does sound weird, doesn't it? But I don't have any other name to call it, so bear with me. :)) It's that kind of mood swing I get from time to time (very regularly). Everything around me seems to conspire against me. Every situation lines up to successively ruin my day. People I don't normally dislike becomes irritating, and people I find irritating becomes unbearable. I don't like myself whenever I'm in this state. It's pretty tiring to hate everything around you, you know?

Usually it's because I'm tired. I hurry back to my place to rest when that happens. If I can't go home, I find a comfortable place to sleep on to cool me down. Other times, it's not the case. I'm not tired or anything. Something just ticks me off. Something or someone. When this happens, I like to pinpoint who or what exactly pulled the trigger, but due to the huge amount of "side reasons" that I experience, I can rarely keep track of the exact reason.

Not being able to remember the reason is pretty frustrating (which pisses me off even further). But then I realize, maybe there really isn't just one reason. Maybe it's a bunch of different reasons, piled up together into one giant monster that awakens when it has grew an ample size to destroy me. Now I can stop finding a single needle in a haystack and simply consider the whole haystack as one made out of needles! Problem solved!

Of course not.

I don't want to stop just yet. I wanna know where the hell did all those needles come from!

As I searched my head for possible leads, I realized something. Apparently, I'm constantly immersed in a very tiring environment. One filled with inside stereotyping, labeling and highly rehashed stock jokes. An environment where a person's mistakes and shortcomings are magnified, put on the spotlight and constantly ridiculed; where a person's achievement is bombarded with sarcastic praise and unnecessary skepticism; where double standard judgement rules over acceptance; where most people pull each other down when they should be comrades. An environment filled with laughter but lacking in warmth.

I hate hypocrites. Sadly, I can be one just as often as a normal person would. I'm part of the said environment, and as such, I've been on each side of the coin. It does feel good when you get the upper hand and everyone laughs at it. But as soon as I realize that things are getting out of hand, I feel disgusted with my self and angry at everyone else. It's tiring to hear the same things over and over again. The same idea, the same stereotype, the same destructive attitudes. A land without warmth. And I happen to like that warmth. 


I don't want or need or can change my environment. I know for a fact that I'm the one that needs to adjust. That's why I try to stick with the people that I think has that warmth. I've found a few, luckily. Few as they are, I'm just happy I found them. In return, a try to be as great of a friend as I possibly can. I receive warmth, I give the same or even more warmth back.


I kinda don't know what to write next. It seems I've strayed off from the original topic, as usual. Brr. Well, whatever. At least I got that out of my system. Since I have man periods from time to time (again, regularly), I'll probably write more of these. But I'd prefer it if I don't have to. Man periods are a pain. For a happy person, or at least for someone that tries to be as happy as he could, having to hate the world is a really huge drag.

SHT!

I just realized I sent this blog's link in my Facebook and Twitter. Which means she'll be reading each and every inch of that last post. I'm such an idiot! Hahahahahahaha! Oh well, what's done is done. Eff that, this is mah space, and mah space will be full my of trash. Let there be trash!

2nd Post

Finally, a second post. Not that anyone is waiting. Actually, there IS a person that's waiting for the 2nd post. Me. Recently, I've decided to pick this blog up and update this as regularly as possible. (Because blogging is pretty cool. Though I wouldn't know 'cause this is my first time doing so.) So I've thought up of different blog topics to write these few days. Pretty random and scattered in nature, much like what my blog's name is. But I postponed writing them. And the reason? Because I'm lazy. I spend a lot of free time in front of the computer and I didn't bother typing blogger.com in the address bar to write. Pathetic.

So maybe you're thinking I'm going to write about those topic now. No. Not yet. I'll get to them next time. (Again, whenever next time maybe. Don't worry, I won't take another half year to do it.) I'll write about something I felt like writing just a couple of minutes ago. Which is kinda funny in a sense. I've decided to write again in this blog because of something I just encountered moments ago instead of the actual things I've been meaning to write about. That's fine, I guess. Spontaneity is something we all must enjoy. And such usually brings forth awesome randomness, which is (or will be) the very essence of this blog (and most blogs, probably. I don't know.) : awesome (and not so awesome) (damn, i use a lot of parentheses) (that's another one right there, gahd!) randomness in my life.

On to the topic. I've decided to not contact Kurisu (obviously a fake name) for the time being. I'll let her contact me first, then I'll converse with her like usual. I think of it as a game of Chicken, where the first one to dodge loses. I don't want to lose. Now you might be wondering who she is. Kurisu, not her real name, is the girl I like. (oh god, another romance-rant blog) Yeah, there'll probably a lot of content in that area in this blog. But there will be others, too! (Yehey!) For now, I'll talk about her.

Kurisu treats me as his older brother. She even calls me that. Yes, I'm in that very sad situation. She knows I like her for as long as I can remember liking her. But somehow, more than 2 years in, I'm still stuck in this "zone". She talks to me about everything. And I do mean everything. I like it that way even though I have to endure the times I have to hear about the things about the guys she like since I genuinely like to help her with her problems. 

But that has to stop. That's what a friend of ours told me, at least. That I shouldn't be taking all that crap about her "guy problems". I thought about it for a few months. And just recently, Kurisu and I got to talk. It eventually led to another "guy". Then I remembered how awful hearing all about them. I couldn't take it. Since it was just chat, I got to fake my emotions through my messages. I listened to her problems and offered advises. This again? Listening and offering advises again? Bullsht. I've had enough of that crap. Little by little, I let my emotions flow through my messages. I typed faster and faster, without stopping to wait for her response. In the end she told me she's fine now and that I should stop worrying for her. Good, that's my cue.

I asked her to stop telling me anything related to the guys she liked after this one. That I couldn't take anymore of that crap. That it's time I think about myself more. She accepted without hesitation, but with shock and guilt. She said she didn't know how much it affected me. I dismissed that reason long ago, thinking, "Nah, that's probably not why she keeps talking about those guys. She knows I like her so she must know it stings every time. She probably just trusts me that much or something like that.". And such are words of an naive idiot. In the end, she never really thought I was hurt. Psh. It's so cruel it's funny.

Since then, we haven't really talked or anything. And it's surely just because she's busy and I don't want to text her. But let's say she doesn't want to contact me as well. Then I'll put up my guard and stand solidly on the ground. Because I'm not the one to dodge first. It's petty, that much I know. But you know what, for once, I don't care. I've come to the point where I'm able to realize and accept that I'm hurt and that doing petty stuff about it is part of it all. So yeah, I've earned the right to be immature because more than 2 years of putting up a strong face got me nowhere.

So you may have NOT noticed, but everything I wrote here happened a few days ago. Something contradicting what I previously said that I'll be writing because of something that happened just moments ago. True in a sense. But the thing is, I never intended to write anything about Kurisu until minutes ago. The only reason I wrote all this is because I was looking at her profile to check on her (and if she mentioned anything about our little "incident". Yes, I'm being that immature. Thank you.). To my unreasonable shock, there's not a single thing or hint about it. That's when I thought, "Maybe she's not feeling uncomfortable about it or anything. Cool.". Which led me to thinking of sending her a message. Which made me awful and triggered my inner voice.

"No man. Don't do it. You deserve some time-out. If she wants to talk, she'll tell you. For now, indulge in the peace made out of your heart-wounds (yeah, that's a thing.) and let things slide. Treat this as a first step to healing and eventually moving on."

"Really? This will heal me?"

"Yep, it sure will!"

"Sweet!"

"You should probably blog about it too in your useless one-post-only blog."

"Oh uhh, yeah sure. Whatever."

So yeah, that's that. Hahahaha. I'll keep this blog updated more often now, like I said earlier. You'll probably read something about us making up and me being oogly about Kurisu again. I'm almost certain you will. But while I'm still love-sober and thinking straight and rationally, you won't be seeing any of those in my blog. 

See yah 'round!