It does sound weird, doesn't it? But I don't have any other name to call it, so bear with me. :)) It's that kind of mood swing I get from time to time (very regularly). Everything around me seems to conspire against me. Every situation lines up to successively ruin my day. People I don't normally dislike becomes irritating, and people I find irritating becomes unbearable. I don't like myself whenever I'm in this state. It's pretty tiring to hate everything around you, you know?
Usually it's because I'm tired. I hurry back to my place to rest when that happens. If I can't go home, I find a comfortable place to sleep on to cool me down. Other times, it's not the case. I'm not tired or anything. Something just ticks me off. Something or someone. When this happens, I like to pinpoint who or what exactly pulled the trigger, but due to the huge amount of "side reasons" that I experience, I can rarely keep track of the exact reason.
Not being able to remember the reason is pretty frustrating (which pisses me off even further). But then I realize, maybe there really isn't just one reason. Maybe it's a bunch of different reasons, piled up together into one giant monster that awakens when it has grew an ample size to destroy me. Now I can stop finding a single needle in a haystack and simply consider the whole haystack as one made out of needles! Problem solved!
Of course not.
I don't want to stop just yet. I wanna know where the hell did all those needles come from!
As I searched my head for possible leads, I realized something. Apparently, I'm constantly immersed in a very tiring environment. One filled with inside stereotyping, labeling and highly rehashed stock jokes. An environment where a person's mistakes and shortcomings are magnified, put on the spotlight and constantly ridiculed; where a person's achievement is bombarded with sarcastic praise and unnecessary skepticism; where double standard judgement rules over acceptance; where most people pull each other down when they should be comrades. An environment filled with laughter but lacking in warmth.
I hate hypocrites. Sadly, I can be one just as often as a normal person would. I'm part of the said environment, and as such, I've been on each side of the coin. It does feel good when you get the upper hand and everyone laughs at it. But as soon as I realize that things are getting out of hand, I feel disgusted with my self and angry at everyone else. It's tiring to hear the same things over and over again. The same idea, the same stereotype, the same destructive attitudes. A land without warmth. And I happen to like that warmth.
I don't want or need or can change my environment. I know for a fact that I'm the one that needs to adjust. That's why I try to stick with the people that I think has that warmth. I've found a few, luckily. Few as they are, I'm just happy I found them. In return, a try to be as great of a friend as I possibly can. I receive warmth, I give the same or even more warmth back.
I kinda don't know what to write next. It seems I've strayed off from the original topic, as usual. Brr. Well, whatever. At least I got that out of my system. Since I have man periods from time to time (again, regularly), I'll probably write more of these. But I'd prefer it if I don't have to. Man periods are a pain. For a happy person, or at least for someone that tries to be as happy as he could, having to hate the world is a really huge drag.
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