Other people's crap

I doubt there's anyone in my immediate network that's creepily thinking about other people's crap till late at night. I hope I'm wrong, though. It would be nice to know if there's at least another person "near" me with the same unnecessary habit of worrying about other people; the same itch we can't scratch.

There's just people that don't deserve the crap they're experiencing. They're all such great humans!

ESPECIALLY YOU!

Goddammit!

Oftentimes I just want to hug you, then I realize it would be too weird to ask for a hug out of the blue, so I settle for patting you on the head. Then I realize that's just a slightly weirder version of a hug.

BUT GAH!

I feel like it's the only thing I can do. As I am right now, I'm incapable of understanding the depths of your pain and sadness. I don't have enough confidence in my words being able to reach you, especially through such thick barriers that you've put up. I can only hope that, at the very least, my sincerity can be transmitted through my touch.

The only thing I have that think might help you is my presence.

And willingness to listen.

If ever you would want to be heard.

So let me sit here for a while.

And creepily think about your crap.

One Giant Mess

Phew. I finally managed to dig myself up from the pile of schoolwork I've been buried on since my last post. To be fair, I'm not doing acads /all the time/, but in those times, I'd be too tired to do blogs. (Seriously, why do I always feel the need to explain why I haven't posted anything in a while every time I miss out. hahaha)


ANYWAY.

(So, ugh. I just deleted the whole block of text that used to be in here. Why am I saying so? Uhm...because I want to be...transparent? Wut? Wut?)

It's a few days away from Valentine's day, so let's try having a theme for once :

Mushroom Hats.

...

Ok, I didn't really know what I was going for with that one. But really, let's talk about love (in a less negative light) for a little bit.

I'm not the best person when it comes to creatively expressing the inner depths of my soul. I'm quite fascinated by people who can. They keep finding more and more ways on how to release and interpret the tangle of emotions coursing through they're hearts, especially on the topic of love. Oh, love! One will be buried with all the love-based content getting churned out in the blogs alone. While that's all well and good as they're able to squeeze out their emotional/creative juices, sometimes things just get a little bit...messy.

Or that's just me being not as deep as other people.

Sometimes, I feel like the idea of "love" has become more confusing than ever. With the way love has been interpreted and expressed over and over again, it got twisted and tangled and transformed into this scary, lonely, overly complicated albeit inescapable shroud of mystery that everyone's caught up in. I'm not one to say that love is the simplest thing in the world. It's such a difficult component of life. But I can't help thinking, "Shouldn't love be a little simpler than all this?"

Whenever a person thinks about love, it starts out as this single ball of light and warmth that you cradle in your palm. Then, it bursts like the cliche firework analogy. Thousands of colors. Yehey. But with all the fanfare one can easily get caught up in the endless possibilities, and later on, consequences that love entail. After all, some of the most difficult emotions and situations to handle are intertwined with love. Problems based or related to love usually spawns out more and more problems the more you try to get out. Super fcked up. Due to the nature of love as being so addicting, other people will naturally get drawn to your love problems. Even in it's cruelest form, love still manages attract people towards you. These people now flood you with all sorts of opinions (all of which you take in without prejudice because you believe everyone's opinion has value) about your current situation. As these conflicting ideals clump up in your head, the tiny cracks of doubt you have on your own beliefs start to get pressure. You justify your beliefs, but his simply makes more sense. Hers too. And hers. And his. And theirs. Everyone's thoughts makes sense! GAHD! Without being able to do anything, the wall just crumbles and buries you, along with that single ball of light cupped in your hand.

>So what exactly are you going for with THAT one? You just showed an example of how messy love can be.
-Yeah. The total opposite of the point I'm trying to make. UGH! Fck this! Love is one big clusterfck!

Wait! No! I have to make my case! >.<

Before being overwhelmed by the sheer complexity of love, I'd like to think there's always something we can do about it. Something we can hold on to. I'd like to believe that we can always hold on to that single ball of light and focus our energy onto it. Then whatever confusing, meta-physical obstacle love throws at you, you won't get lost.

The way to do that outside of the metaphorical context is to affirm your sincerity.

Sincerity, not only towards your love interest, but towards yourself and your own feelings.

Sometimes, we get clouded by all the negativity of love that we tend to forget our own feelings, in its simplest form : without all the "but's".

"I admire her but I don't think she's too far from my reach."
"I like him but he might think I'm weird because it's the girl making the move."
"I like her but all the other guys chasing her are so much better than me."
"I love her but there's always something or someone getting in our way."

Bulllsht.

Go back the the simplest form of your feelings; go back to that single ball of light and warmth. Disregard for a moment your doubts, your fears, your insecurities. Be sincere with yourself; acknowledge your purest emotions and bask in the comfort and liberation coming from the mere acceptance of your own feelings. Once you remember the origin of your emotions, that's where you pull your purpose, courage and determination from. Whatever you need to clear through the darkness created by your own mind and the situation you're in, pull it from that single, sincere emotion that you bear. From then on, your path will become brighter, so much brighter.

It's just so saddening to see a lot of people be agonized by love. Even though I acknowledge the difficulties that this powerful emotion has chained with it, I still believe in love as being the best source of happiness in this world, in whatever form you want to experience it from. If we can only go back to the simple, yet pure, moments of happiness, then maybe we'd realize that all this clusterfck we're experiencing is worth it.

To my dearest

You may have noticed something has changed in the way I interact with you. For what it's worth, I'll admit it's deliberate. I do put conscious effort in sounding more distant than I normally, truthfully, am. I intentionally dodge moments that I feel will turn to cheesy, albeit heartwarming, conversations with cool topic enders. I try my best to refrain from complementing every part of your being whenever I have a chance. I'd throw a flat sign of slight approval instead. One that even sounds like I forced it out my mouth just to make you stop from feeling bad.

Yeah, I do that now.

I'm just protecting myself. If I let myself indulge in the euphoria of spending time with you, I fear I'd lose myself again. Whenever I put my guard down, I become a slave of your presence. I can't even be the master of my own emotion. You take me from one end of the spectrum to the other. You've caused me most of my biggest heartaches, yet why is it that your slightest nudge of odd sweetness launches me to the heavens? It's not fair!

I just want to get a tight hold of myself. Lately, whenever you fill my heart with joy, a tinge of disappointment seeps in.

"Here you go again, feeling all fluttery and smiling like an idiot. Haven't you learned your lesson yet? You know in yourself that this is isn't a race, nor a marathon. Your stuck in a treadmill. You run for as long as you  can, but you never really move an inch forward. Then you're calves tighten, your legs start to hurt. Eventually, you're heart gets worn out and you stop. Exhausted. Not an inch forward."

Going through this cycle makes me feel like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still an idiot, nonetheless.

So please, let me be detached, or act detached, for a little longer. By acting like it, maybe my heart will actually learn to live without needing your warmth.

Because if I'm not always on my toes... If I let up even for a second and allow even your fingertip to touch me, all my walls would crumble yet again. My very core will be in the clutches of your soft, tiny hands. And as it always has been, I'll be left bare, vulnerable, enslaved by your smile.

I saw her again today.

And she was beautiful as ever.


So I just got home from my very first anime convention. (Yahoo, finally!) I've been a fan of various anime and manga series for so many years now and it's only today that I get to be in an actual anime convention. I totally missed out on a lot of things. But no, I'm not gonna talk about the convention itself. That can be summarized in a few words, really. Anime. Cosplayers. Merchs. Auction. Humans. Everywhere.

But there's a particular part of the convention that really caught my eye : the doujin group area. You give them a certain amount and they sketch (and/or color, depending on how much you gave) a drawing for you. All you need is a reference picture and you're good to go. Pretty neat! And they're all soooooooo good. Damn, I get shivers when I watch them. Their ability to "create" is humbling. Customers usually present pictures of their favorite anime character and have them drawn out, but I had another thing in mind.

I had to make them draw Amy.

Amy's the female protagonist of this Visual Novel entitled "Lifelines" that me and my friend's been trying to lift off from the ground for some time. We've tried working on it almost full time last summer but we didn't quite make the cut. Neither of us were really artists so the graphics part was also a problem. We did, however, receive some concept art  for Amy from my partner's friend, which were fantastic! I still remember the first time I saw them. The joy and excitement of seeing something that basically came from your head drawn and colored in real paper was overwhelming. After that, summer ended and we never really got to focus on Lifelines again.

I always thought, and still think, that majority of the blame why we're not achieving milestones on this project is me. Not that we're supposed to be blaming. (Blaming sounds like a really negative word, by the way.) It's just that I'm the one who pitched in the idea for story's initial concept and I'm supposed to be mainly in charge of the script. Up until now, I've only got bits and pieces of the story in my head. They're just always replaying on my head again and again and again. But at the end of the day, I've only got a few rough drafts penned down. Just thinking and thinking about it, but not actually getting it written down. It's always been like this for me and it's really disappointing. Along the way, my guts to actually continue this kind of just...faded away, I guess.

But when the artist finished her sketch of Amy and I got a good look at it, my heart just welled up with surreal happiness. It's very same excitement that I felt back when we received the very first concept art of Amy. Then in an instant, a tinge of shame crept in. Shame due to the fact that I'm actually overjoyed by someone else's work when I feel like I haven't done mine.

As of right now, Amy is nowhere near complete. But I'd be damned if I don't finish her and this whole project. I've become really attached to Amy, Max (the male protagonist) and everyone else in Lifelines (ok, not all of them. i'm not even sure of some them yet). Even though they're just pieces of my imagination, I feel the responsibility of bringing them to life. They all deserve to be molded into the amazing characters they're meant to be. Who knows how long this flame will burn and how it'll get rekindled when it dies down, but what's the use of worrying. I'll just keeping building Amy and the rest of the gang, one word at a time.

Vloggity

What the fck is a "vloggity"?

I don't know either.

But the idea of having vlog has been circling my head for some time now. Maybe I'm just bored. It's just that I've started watching a few vlog channels during this break and it seemed really fun. They talk about random stuff about their day which compile to an oddly entertaining video. Most of them do have legit content channels and videos, so the vlogs reflect how they're shooting these said content. Good stuff.

Though maintaining a vlog will get old really fast for me. Heck, I can't even maintain a steady stream of content in this blog. How will I maintain a steady content on the vlog? Besides, vlogs are for people who actually do something "fun" in their everyday lives. I won't say my currently lifestyle is something "vlog-worthy".

Maybe I'm just being hooked with all these independently-made content on YouTube. Making those videos must be so much fun. I can just imagine myself talking and acting in some (ok, most) of the videos. Aaaahh, that would be awesome. I just feel like making videos and/or being on them would totally be in my element. Then you get to interact with loving fans and collaborate with other YouTubers and all the cool sht. However, I'm still aware of hard work that gets pumped in each video. You don't go famous overnight. They do dedicate much of their time just to push out the videos every week or every day. Some even quitting their day jobs. (Mainly because YouTube has become their main source of income. How awesome is that?) Plus, you'll be dealing with the whole internet and all it's hateful citizens. I probably won't last long with all the bashing and flaming.

Plus, I won't be able to curse on video! Then the whole family would know that I cuss. Fluently. Oh, I can just imagine the kind of talk and emails I'd get from everyone hahahaha.

For a lack of other outlets...

...oh boy, here we go.

I'm starting to be in a position where my every move will cause ripples of unknown magnitude. It's scary stepping up to that spot, but I truly believe I have to be there. I just pray that I won't be so caught up on this. Sometimes I tend to be too immersed, which is exactly why I've held back on being involved for some time. But this time, I'd rather get on the train than be a simple bystander.

Scatterbrain 2

I've got a bunch of things stocked up in my head (or at least I'd like to think so. we'll see. XD) and making a post about each one of them would be time-consuming. So I'll just dump and lump them all together in another Scatterbrain post! (TADA! *cue music*) This post will mostly encompass the events that happened over this week. So...yeah. Let's do it!

1. I'm really really really proud of my friends. They've accomplished such a feat and they deserve the glory and praise they're getting. But as the cliche phrase goes, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow it creates. I feel like a bad person for harboring negative feelings about the whole event. Ok, just to clarify. I'm not harboring negative feelings toward them. I just feel like I'm getting left behind in this whole "life" thing. They're all moving forward and excelling in what we do. And then there's me, seemingly stuck in that spot as I watch their backs get smaller and smaller from my perspective. It frustrates me that I'm not making any significant strides in what I chose to do.

2. It's so refreshing to see you being assertive. And because of that, things are finally picking up speed for both of you. You look so good together. Ask anyone we know, they'd say the same thing. We're all rooting for you. Oh, but don't feel pressured. We're all just excited (or at least I am) for you two. :D

3. I feel good about this week. Maybe because I've accomplished all the things I needed to do before the break. All the plans I had, I was able to pull them off (most of them). I'd like to think I made good decisions this week, whether it be the ones that I've pondered about for some time or the ones that I made right there and then. I stand by everything that I did. Of course, it's not all fun and games. I've had my fair share of hardships and misfortune, but it just makes everything else sparkle brighter.

4. I understand the feeling of not being able to say the words cramped up in your chest. The feeling of desperation when no one's there to sincerely listen without judging. I get it. That's why I want to listen to people. I want them to feel that there's someone they can trust their deepest feelings with. I want to lighten their burden somehow. I care deeply for the people around me. I hope in my littlest of ways, you can feel that.

5. Why do you like taking pictures that tease mo so much! GAHD! You just keep getting hotter and hotter! Back when we were still in high school and now that we're in college...HOT DAMN!

6. I'm so glad we're beginning to be close. One of my goals before was actually to be good friends with you and I'm really happy to see it becoming a reality. I always knew you make a good friend and I was not wrong. Please know that you are an amazing person and I love your company. Thanks! Never hesitate to approach me for anything. I'll support you to the best of my abilities.

7. Spending time with you guys may have been one of the best decisions I've made so far. I'll admit, I was intimidated before so I can't bring myself to hang out with you. You guys seemed so tight that there's no more space for me to squeeze myself in. Thank you for proving me wrong.

8. I'm greatly disappointed in you. I really hope you pull yourself together. Don't be like this. Things are becoming more and more hostile. Please grow a pair and accept the fact right in front of your face. I know it's not easy, but come on man. She deserves better than this, and you know it.

9. I wanted to see you so bad. I still do. Hurr, if I wasn't too tired that day, I would've pushed through, but hurr. I hope I'll get to see you before this year ends.

10. Theater workshop was concluded a couple of weeks ago. What an experience it has been. I've learned so much, not just in acting, but in life as a whole. I'll deeply miss my co-participants. Just when we were starting to be close, it all ended. Man...

11. I'll miss holding your hand. Your soft, tiny hands. I've become accustomed to your touch and warmth. It was hard to let go. I wish I could have hugged you for one last time. Not an on-stage hug. A real, warm hug.

12. Changes are coming. I can feel it! It's not yet New Year's eve, I know. We don't even know if we're gonna make it to 2013. (And no, I don't believe in the December 21 B.S. hahaha) But meh! A new year, a new energy. Hopefully, this coming year will be an even bigger blast!

13. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, DEAR READER!

14. (and for those who don't celebrate Christmas) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

15. (and for those who don't feel the holiday spirit) ...suit your effing selves. :))