I Won't Lose It

Theater has been something I've held a few years back. I focused most of my energy into it and I was always fulfilled. One can say I actually got pretty good at what I do. But I didn't let it get to my head because I knew I wasn't good enough. That the world is SO large, much much larger than the 4 corners of our AVR. I knew my level still can't be compared to the outside world. I promised myself I'll get better; I'll hone my skills after high school.

I broke that promise.

I'm not sure what happened. One thing's for sure : theater's still in my heart. It never went away. But...I really don't know. Did I get busy? Not really. At least not enough to stop theater. I didn't even try to find an organization inside the campus that practices theater. Maybe I got scared? Scared of going out there and actually putting myself side-by-side with other people. Scared that maybe, I'm really not that good. I didn't want to break that image of myself inside my head. I knew I was good. I didn't want to be proven otherwise.

Still, more than 2 years of idle time, I think it's starting to eat me up. Lately, I've been struggling with myself. My insecurities started growing. It's like I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. For some reason, I always fall short. I feel so...average. Forgettable. I felt like I didn't have any defining characteristic. Just...normal.

I used to be so sure of myself. I knew what I was. I knew what I can do.

I don't want to stay that way. I think I found the springboard that can get me out of this gray hell that I'm in. A theater workshop from a prestigious group has opened up. I'm not sure what will happen to me when I get there or if I'll even be able to join, but I don't want to give up. If I have to kneel down to my mom, I'll do it. I want to feel it again. That rush when I go up the stage and the blinding light hits my eyes. The way it blocks my view of the audience as if severing my ties with this world and going inside another. I want it back. I won't lose theater in my life.

Gray

You,
whose name carries a familiar ring.
I've seen you countless times before
yet I know nothing of you.
A shroud of mystery,
empty mystery.
I look at you
and see bits of him,
parts of her,
traits of those around,
but never you.
Then again,
who EXACTLY are you?
You run fast, but never faster.
Never stronger, never on top.
Just a wanderer of the gray
soulless background
that fill the gap between the ones
who shine.
Every time I look in the mirror
I ask,
"Since when did I stop
seeing me, and started
seeing you?"

I feel sad.

It also bums me that I have to write that here just to release my sadness. I can't even put it in such an artsy manner to somehow make the whole thing sound good. Haaaay. This rubber ducky is my only saving grace.

I hate myself for...

I hate myself for worrying too much about the little things.

I hate myself for not having enough confidence nor courage.

I hate myself for being too aware of you.

I hate myself for being too self-conscious when you're around.

I hate myself for not being able to utter a word to you when all I want to do is spend my time talking to you.

I hate myself for being jealous.

I hate myself for feeling envious of the people who gets to spend time with you, laugh with you, play with you, share with you the thoughts they have and the tears they shed.

I hate myself for feeling envious of the people you trust, you depend on. The people who make you feel happy and comfortable.

I hate myself for liking you this much, yet being unable to do anything to justify it nor show it to you.

Don't worry, I don't like you either.

I Really Need To Write This Follow-up

I don't know what happened to my last entry. I was supposed to write about something...let's say more personal. Notice I've been using "I" in the first paragraph, then I started using "you" on the succeeding ones. I wasn't exactly planning on writing about routines and signals (which I wasn't that aware before the time of its writing XD). I wanted to write about how unproductive I've been feeling and how my daily life seem to lack a certain amount of thrill and excitement. Instead, I ended up writing about my baseless opinion on why you're not lifting up that pen and answering your homework.

To be honest, when I started writing my previous entry, I didn't know what I exactly it is that I want to write about. I just knew that I was feeling inexplicably bored and unproductive and that it didn't feel right. How exactly am I going to describe the depth of the gap in my heart and what I think about when it just wasn't in me. I don't know where exactly I want to take content of the entry.

So being goalless and directionless right from the beginning, I spouted out words and ideas that weren't exactly on the top of my head while I was writing. All I knew was that I have to follow up the last sentence that I wrote. That I have to keep the topic, whatever it has become, alive. I guess I don't dislike being lost on my own words like that. To a certain extent, I got to explain to myself that things that I have been thinking about in the past. Things I've been bothered about. Questions I didn't know the answer to. And problems I didn't know how to solve. All the answer seems to be sleeping just inside me. And it is in these directionless walking of the fingers that I get to dig up those answers. It's pretty amazing. Like there's another person inside you guiding you, yet that person is still you. Self-exploration is an amazing feature our brains have. It can be activated and invoked in a bunch of different manners. And thank goodness for blogging that I get to engage on such a journey.

On Routines and Signals

I feel there's something lacking. I still can't pinpoint what it is, but I feel like there should something...more. Lately, I've been feeling a rather steep decline in my willingness to be productive. I simply can't get myself to read my notes, touch up on those diagrams, or even search anything...well, anything. In the next days, I find a pattern to what I'm doing. Mainly because I often realize, "Hey, haven't I done this just a few days ago?" or "Haven't I listened to these songs for the past week without switching?". It feels cyclical. Like there's a routine to what I'm doing. And the worst part is that I didn't catch on it sooner.

Once you've been caught on that routine, you won't even realize you're in it. Simply because you're used to doing whatever you're doing. It's "normal" for you to be doing this or doing that in the same time of day everyday. Seemingly, nothing's wrong. This is particularly true for harmless routines. Same goes with habits. The routine you're doing doesn't harm you in any way so there's nothing to signal up your brain and say, "Hey man, we gotta stop doing this. It's becoming a problem for us.". No. As a matter of fact, it even lets your mind "rest" by saving it the effort of consciously thinking. You act out your routine almost involuntarily and surprisingly without fail. If most of your daily activities consist of routines, then you're most likely not using that much brain power to get through the day.

When you are now presented with something coming outside of your routine, for example, a requirement to finish or a reading to...well read, it gets pushed over or thrown away. It's not part of the flow. You may try and incorporate it suddenly in your "schedule", but in the end, you find yourself listening to the same music while staring at a blank screen with the same opened tabs, not able to finish anything.

As the deadlines come closer, a certain pressure drives you to a corner. You get more anxious on why you're not doing the things you're supposed to be doing. By putting it all off before, you now have such little time to finish. And your workload has piled up! Holy damn, what to do?! This is now becomes the signal. The signal that tells your brain, "Hey man, we gotta stop doing this. It's becoming a problem for us.". You're now presented with a negative result due to your routine. If this still doesn't wake you up, an even more hard-hitting signal will come after some time. This is when you've actually missed your deadline or failed a quiz or an exam. These present you with an even more concrete signal to stop. Your grades will get lower, your boss will start asking what's wrong (or simply eat your ass up, if that's the kind of boss you have), and so on and so forth.

If at this point, you still can't pull yourself out of the deep shthole you've dug called a "routine", then you're gonna have to do some serious thinking. And talking. Think about your current situation more carefully. Think about the consequences your routine has made. Then talk about it with your close family and peers. Ask them for help. Ask them to push you out of the tight spot that you've stuck yourself into.

Of course, it'd be nicer if you don't get to that point. Once the first signals come your way, be aware of them and act upon them immediately. Signals at that point hover around inside your head and your head alone. Once you've ignored those signals, those signals will materialize in the outside world, where things can be pretty permanent. You wouldn't want that.