I Won't Lose It

Theater has been something I've held a few years back. I focused most of my energy into it and I was always fulfilled. One can say I actually got pretty good at what I do. But I didn't let it get to my head because I knew I wasn't good enough. That the world is SO large, much much larger than the 4 corners of our AVR. I knew my level still can't be compared to the outside world. I promised myself I'll get better; I'll hone my skills after high school.

I broke that promise.

I'm not sure what happened. One thing's for sure : theater's still in my heart. It never went away. But...I really don't know. Did I get busy? Not really. At least not enough to stop theater. I didn't even try to find an organization inside the campus that practices theater. Maybe I got scared? Scared of going out there and actually putting myself side-by-side with other people. Scared that maybe, I'm really not that good. I didn't want to break that image of myself inside my head. I knew I was good. I didn't want to be proven otherwise.

Still, more than 2 years of idle time, I think it's starting to eat me up. Lately, I've been struggling with myself. My insecurities started growing. It's like I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. For some reason, I always fall short. I feel so...average. Forgettable. I felt like I didn't have any defining characteristic. Just...normal.

I used to be so sure of myself. I knew what I was. I knew what I can do.

I don't want to stay that way. I think I found the springboard that can get me out of this gray hell that I'm in. A theater workshop from a prestigious group has opened up. I'm not sure what will happen to me when I get there or if I'll even be able to join, but I don't want to give up. If I have to kneel down to my mom, I'll do it. I want to feel it again. That rush when I go up the stage and the blinding light hits my eyes. The way it blocks my view of the audience as if severing my ties with this world and going inside another. I want it back. I won't lose theater in my life.