Countertext

It's one of the terms from the workshop that really stuck in my head. Not because it's a concept that's entirely new to me. I know I've been doing it from time to time. Everyone does. But actually knowing the formal term for an idea, concept or action has a great impact on me. For one thing, it establishes that fact that it actually exists. You get to expand your perception of the concept from others that're familiar with it. After some time, you'll be able to tell if someone is using said idea.

Saying something when you actually mean or feel the opposite.

(or at least, that's how i understand it)

I might have been hiding in the temporary comfort of countertext to run away from certain emotions I'd rather not have. I've tried using silence for some time, but I noticed it's affecting how interact with other people that's not, in any way, concerned. They might be thinking I'm being a snob or a jerk. I wouldn't want them to think I hate them. I don't. If anything, I need them to distract me from all this more than ever.

Silence also lets me dwell on the problem and inevitably blow it up to unreasonable proportions in my head, which is always a bad thing. If I verbalize that everything's ok and that I'm psyched for the current development, I get people to believe that I'm happy -- I get to delude myself that I'm happy.

When everything's going so perfectly for other people, you simply can't come flat out and say, "Hey, your happiness is really hurting me." Everyone deserves to be happy, and I for one will not intentionally ruin anyone's happiness, or at least try my best not to do so.

Being destructive won't get me anywhere, anyway. I'd rather support than destroy. I'd rather hide in countertext than run my mouth and make everything complicated for everyone. I don't want to be an unnecessary worry.



So cheers to you guys! You are awesome people deserving of the things you have and will have. Just go for it, both of you! Hahaha! I wish you the best of luck. I'm so happy for you! :)

I Simply Love My Friends!

I just can't contain it right now. I have this group of friends called Julie and Company. We all met during the final formal dinner of our dormitory during our freshmen year. It was PURE COINCIDENCE that our little group met. I didn't even want to go to that formal dinner. I was forced by a certain urge called hunger. (It was free, anyway!) Frankly, I wasn't close with my dormmates. I never made close friends during my 1 year stay in the dormitory. That made a dilemma for me during the formal dinner. I was late and since I wasn't part of any group or such, finding a table where I'd spend the night proved to be difficult. Thank goodness one of my acquaintances found me before I came in and asked if I had a table. I immediately said I didn't. Being the good guy that he is, he invited me to their table.

There was a beautiful girl in sitting on that table. She immediately captured my attention from the moment I saw her as I walked towards the table. I really wanted to be close to that girl so I shook off all my nervousness and sheer awkwardness and tried blending in to the group. I didn't have anything to lose. We were all leaving the dormitory in less than a month anyway. After a whole night of eating, talking, acting silly and partying, we all became friends. We walked away from the party hall together, sat down on the floor and chatted until the guard broke us up. We promised ourselves we won't forget each other the next day. We frantically repeated each other's names just so we would remember (I was particularly worried about the "remembering" part. I've never been good with names.)

Days later, I would discover that most people in that table were never close friends to begin with. Some were already friends, but most of them were simply acquaintances. We were all simply trying to fit in to a group that was practically made up of strangers.

We hung out everyday during the final days of our stay in the dormitory. We would eat together during lunch and dinner, get together during free breaks and talk the night away until we hear the curfew bell. We all felt that we met each other too late. Making up for a whole year of not knowing each other in just barely a month proved to be tough, but ever since that party, each day in the dormitory became something I looked forward to.

It's been around 2 years since we all met. We rarely see each other now. Only when it's someone's birthday or it's the end of the semester. The Facebook group's the only thing keeping us connected for the most part. But until now, I can still feel the warmth we had on our first night. It's such an amazing feat for such a rag-tag group like us in my opinion.

It was my birthday early this week so it was our cue to once again unite. Two of them (the previously mentioned "beautiful girl" and her very close friend) organized a gift to give me. It's a box packed with 365 messages from them, one for each day. It was actually a gift idea I wanted to give a certain somebody for her birthday but never got to do it. They said since I wasn't able to do it for her, they did it for me instead. Such awesome people!

I feel like I haven't thanked them enough yet (even though I've said it like a thousand times already). I really wish we'd continue growing as a group despite such a whacked up set up. I really love these people. <3

It's been a while.

Psh. A few days short of a week can be barely called "a while". Guess I've been writing here too much that it seems like it's been such a long time since I've written anything here. There's a number of reasons why that's happening (though as always, I'm not even sure myself hahaha)

Maybe it's because somewhere in the back of my head, I'm unconsciously upholding that "promise" I made when I said I want to write about the things that actually matter and about the things that I've given much thought about. There's also something about lessening those random bursts of emotion thrown in the mix. I felt the blog was getting really whiny, so I tried steering away from those kind of posts. The stuff I've been encountering and feeling for the past couple of days were basically just duplicates of the things I've already written about here. Mere reiterations. If I write about them again, I'll just feel like I'm pathetically whining.

Another reason is, well, a reason I can't really elaborate on. Hahahaha, I'm so sorry. Just certain stuff. I know I said I'd continue using this blog, but I can't help but hold back. Especially when the emotions fueling those would-be posts are so...inappropriate. It's so unfair for you. I don't want to dwell on those things cause I'm afraid it'd spark up unnecessary worry. Then unnecessary conflict. I'm sorry for holding back. For always holding back recently. I can't help it. I feel scared.

Another good guess ties up neatly with the second one. I want to banish those inappropriate emotions. And one such method that I know is by not thinking about it, much less blog about it. It's the total opposite of what I used to do. I always wanted to release. To dwell on it, then cast it all away from the bottom up. It just feels so rough having to go through all that. I'm tired of it. I just want to skim over it and be done with it. I want to try distracting myself away from you  these inappropriate feelings.

Lastly, I just want to remain happy during November and December. Or at least, seemingly happy. Not that I'm not. I really am. I just feel like blogging about something sad would tarnish the general mood that I want to create.







It's just tiring bottling it all up. And feeling restrained in my own blog is really frustrating. Well, whatever. This serves as the hole where the steam of bad vibes can escape. Good vibes, come to me! Good vibes! Good viiiiiibes! :D

Here Comes November!

I've liked the year-end duo of November and December over the other months of the year for as long as I can remember. November's my birth month so I can't help getting excited about it (shallow person is shallow). Not that anything grand happens on my birthday. I just like it and stuff. Even after my birthday, the good vibes continues on to the rest of the month with the thought of Christmastime coming in just a few weeks.

This year's October has been a wild, wild ride with so many highs and lows that I don't know how to classify the month as a whole. Even the end of this October is so bittersweet. But since it's already November, I'll just concentrate myself at the "sweet" part of it.

A promise of reconciliation. The warmth of new connections. The journey for self-improvement. And the start of a new semester.

I just baked muffins for the family (yes, muffins are my thing now. or at least until i finish all of my instant muffin mixes) and currently eating sinigang (that i love so deeply) with some ice cold coke (it matters). Being shallow has its perks.

It's a good start. Here's to a great November, everyone!