I find it quite a nice coincidence that I got to be with you the very day I started working on my final paper on Philosophy regarding love. Maybe this is even some kind of unconscious will that manifested without me noticing. Maybe before I could write properly about love, I needed to see you; I needed you. Some questions ask for some real accounts, if possible. Now, I won't be writing about you in there, no no. I wouldn't to riddle my term paper with unnecessary biases and stories of my (*cough* our) past (hahaha).
But rest assured, images of you will surely flash through my mind as I write this 10-paged monstrosity. I'll probably stop once in a while to think of you and let things sink in deeper than usual. Let me fuel each line I type with our memories scattered throughout these 4 years of ups and downs.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
the "why?" of things
Ever since I was a kid, and up till now that I'm thin, perverted perfectly healthy almost-20 man, there is one phrase I still thoroughly believe in.
(or not. i didn't care to check if they are indeed logically the same. marry me.)
My father only said it to me once when I was a little boy, but somehow, it got stuck in this brain of mine. If I remember correctly, he used crying as an example.
I haven't really realized that I've been adhering to it until I got to college. Then again, "everything" does mean, well, everything. Including the effects of inanimate or non-sentient entities, strokes of luck or misfortune, countless coincidences that happen all around us, which, as the phrase suggests, happens or is done for a reason. This may now suggest that there is an external force, holding that reason, that compels things to happen as they do, which in turn, is a point of a heated, not to mention pointless, argument between idiots of two ideologies. So I like to narrow down that "everything" to people. People's thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, reactions, everything. Everything we do has a reason.
We've only had 2 "informal" sessions in our introductory psychology (during the time of writing), but I've come to realize a very humbling feature of the course. Psychology (as per my narrow view of it), and the question "why?" in general, begs us to be more compassionate as we navigate through life. The need to understand other people's reasons (and just as importantly, your own) for doing the they do steers us away from ignorant hate. Before you go on a rampage on how they're not supposed to disagree with you because they are brainless maggots without breeding, stop, calm yo tits, breathe, and think. Even in an age where trolls have become as common as sidewalk trash, I still like to adhere to the belief that people just don't do things for no reason. There will always be a force propelling them to the direction they are headed. Understanding what this force is may not necessarily lead us to agree with other people, but at the very least, it prevents you from taking things too personally (a problem I know I have, after years and years of internally denying it) and spark conflict. Usually, in order to understand the "why", we have to elevate ourselves from the situation; an overseer's perspective. This lessens the chance of conflict since there's at least one person who understands the situation, and has the opportunity to alleviate it : you.
And this is exactly why I dislike blind haters. People who shouts out their dismay on matters without understanding why the hate on it; what exactly ticks them off. This leads to an overblown display of discontent on a general or broad view of the matter, when in fact, they are only irritated by one aspect of it. I've been irritated by a bunch of people in the past. Some still do. Ok, most still do. But that's only because they're a pretty small bunch! (see: excuses)
Anyway, the point is, I've started examining myself why I'm irritated at these people. Turns out, even if at time, I'd like to smite them out of existence, I'm only repulsed by certain aspects of them. That's when I try to examine them. Why do they act that way? What are their reasons? Oftentimes, they're reasons far beyond the surface; far beyond the little quirks that annoy the sht out of me. At times, I even find myself reaching out to them to talk about their problems, the very reason why they act like dicks. Now, even if I understand them, it doesn't exactly erase my irritation of them completely, but I at least can steer clear of their ticks or even prevent them from acting that way by not triggering them with my actions. As long as they don't do their sht, it won't annoy me, and we'd be able to co-exist and have fun together.
Understanding the my own reasons are especially important to me. I've come to realize that I don't usually understand why I feel the emotions I feel. When I was little, I learned to love (fine, admire. don't go nuts with the wild idea of kids falling in love) certain people of the opposite gender. I grew a little older and I started feeling a tightness in my chest whenever the people I care deeply about seem happy with other people. A few years more, I've come to understand that this was jealousy. It felt impure when contrasted with "love", the feeling that I was supposedly feeling. It was not a feeling I was ready to accept as my own. Only years after that I've come to terms with it and say, "You know what, that's normal!" Obviously, the next evolutionary step was the question, why?
Why is it normal to be jealous? Why do I get jealous? Is it the same reason across different events and different people? Why do I feel the same sensation even without the presence of another guy? Does it also count as jealousy? If not, what is it, and why do I feel that way?
Ironically, I'm comforted by the amount of questions that pop up when thinking about my own emotions. To me, it means that the answer is not shallow. It can't be contained recklessly using words like "jealousy" or "love" because these words are not light. They have weight. They are heavy, and so are my emotions. Anyone's emotions, for that matter. It's a jumble of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants. And at the root of it all, a reason. An answer to the "why" of things.
Walang nangyayari nang walang rason.Nothing happens without a reason. A slightly more confusing way of saying "everything as a reason".
My father only said it to me once when I was a little boy, but somehow, it got stuck in this brain of mine. If I remember correctly, he used crying as an example.
Walang umiiyak ng wala lang.Maybe I was crying back then and I didn't want to tell him why. That part I can't remember.
I haven't really realized that I've been adhering to it until I got to college. Then again, "everything" does mean, well, everything. Including the effects of inanimate or non-sentient entities, strokes of luck or misfortune, countless coincidences that happen all around us, which, as the phrase suggests, happens or is done for a reason. This may now suggest that there is an external force, holding that reason, that compels things to happen as they do, which in turn, is a point of a heated, not to mention pointless, argument between idiots of two ideologies. So I like to narrow down that "everything" to people. People's thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, reactions, everything. Everything we do has a reason.
We've only had 2 "informal" sessions in our introductory psychology (during the time of writing), but I've come to realize a very humbling feature of the course. Psychology (as per my narrow view of it), and the question "why?" in general, begs us to be more compassionate as we navigate through life. The need to understand other people's reasons (and just as importantly, your own) for doing the they do steers us away from ignorant hate. Before you go on a rampage on how they're not supposed to disagree with you because they are brainless maggots without breeding, stop, calm yo tits, breathe, and think. Even in an age where trolls have become as common as sidewalk trash, I still like to adhere to the belief that people just don't do things for no reason. There will always be a force propelling them to the direction they are headed. Understanding what this force is may not necessarily lead us to agree with other people, but at the very least, it prevents you from taking things too personally (a problem I know I have, after years and years of internally denying it) and spark conflict. Usually, in order to understand the "why", we have to elevate ourselves from the situation; an overseer's perspective. This lessens the chance of conflict since there's at least one person who understands the situation, and has the opportunity to alleviate it : you.
And this is exactly why I dislike blind haters. People who shouts out their dismay on matters without understanding why the hate on it; what exactly ticks them off. This leads to an overblown display of discontent on a general or broad view of the matter, when in fact, they are only irritated by one aspect of it. I've been irritated by a bunch of people in the past. Some still do. Ok, most still do. But that's only because they're a pretty small bunch! (see: excuses)
Anyway, the point is, I've started examining myself why I'm irritated at these people. Turns out, even if at time, I'd like to smite them out of existence, I'm only repulsed by certain aspects of them. That's when I try to examine them. Why do they act that way? What are their reasons? Oftentimes, they're reasons far beyond the surface; far beyond the little quirks that annoy the sht out of me. At times, I even find myself reaching out to them to talk about their problems, the very reason why they act like dicks. Now, even if I understand them, it doesn't exactly erase my irritation of them completely, but I at least can steer clear of their ticks or even prevent them from acting that way by not triggering them with my actions. As long as they don't do their sht, it won't annoy me, and we'd be able to co-exist and have fun together.
Understanding the my own reasons are especially important to me. I've come to realize that I don't usually understand why I feel the emotions I feel. When I was little, I learned to love (fine, admire. don't go nuts with the wild idea of kids falling in love) certain people of the opposite gender. I grew a little older and I started feeling a tightness in my chest whenever the people I care deeply about seem happy with other people. A few years more, I've come to understand that this was jealousy. It felt impure when contrasted with "love", the feeling that I was supposedly feeling. It was not a feeling I was ready to accept as my own. Only years after that I've come to terms with it and say, "You know what, that's normal!" Obviously, the next evolutionary step was the question, why?
Why is it normal to be jealous? Why do I get jealous? Is it the same reason across different events and different people? Why do I feel the same sensation even without the presence of another guy? Does it also count as jealousy? If not, what is it, and why do I feel that way?
Ironically, I'm comforted by the amount of questions that pop up when thinking about my own emotions. To me, it means that the answer is not shallow. It can't be contained recklessly using words like "jealousy" or "love" because these words are not light. They have weight. They are heavy, and so are my emotions. Anyone's emotions, for that matter. It's a jumble of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants. And at the root of it all, a reason. An answer to the "why" of things.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
I often find myself biting my lip lately. I've been my most truthful to myself recently, but ironically, I've held more things within myself than ever before. I've been strengthening my shell as much as I could. I'm hoping this would be enough to protect me to a certain extent against the forthcoming waves, but at the same time, everything inside it gets trapped. It builds pressure. This is one of those little cracks that I want to allow so that a little bit of steam would shoot off.
Realization.
I'm scared. Terribly scared.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Scattered Memories
So as it turns out, I might have lost my Lab/Lec attendance sheet for CS194. I'm positive it's with me, dammit! Or in the province. I don't want to go back just to look for a piece of paper. That would be a huge waste of time and money. And like any panicking student would do, I turned the whole unit over. Minutes into looking for the elusive sheet of paper, I've come across a lot of junk that reminded me of different experiences I had during the 3 years I've currently spent in college. So I decided to log some of them that I've found interesting and tell you a bit about the story behind each one. Hopefully, I find my attendance sheet along the way. Lezzgow!
- CS135 "Mission Sheets" - Exercise problems....? I'm not sure. It was called "Missions" in the sheets so let's leave it at that. Skimmed through it for a bit. I'm not sure how I got the answers for them, but I think I was able to pass it one way or another. Not really sure what I found interesting in that one. I'm not sure about a lot of things in this one. Moving on.
- My All-Purpose Notebook - Used this one last semester. That's the only notebook I brought to school for the whole semester, and excluding all the doodling and scratch solutions to different problems across multiple subjects, I haven't even filled half of the notebook. I'm pretty sure this is not how I should be studying.
- Chynna's random drawings on my all-purpose notebook - There are a number of drawings of girl's faces in my notebook drawn by aforementioned friend. I remember she remarked that she liked drawing on my notebook because there really isn't much in it that's especially important....or something like that. Hahaha, hello there, Chynna!
- A bunch of CS145 Machine Exercise sheets and Long Exam sheets - They're scattered in different places across the house. But honestly, this is one of the most fun subjects I had this semester. My chest stings a bit while looking through each of them. *sigh* NDSG...
- A Forever 21 Gift Card - Ooooh, guuuuurl!!! I forgot I had this. No no, this is not my mom's. This is seriously mine. My mom's good friend gave it to me when she came to visit. Better use this some time.
- UP Sikat App Sheet - An introductory sheet where the general guidelines of the app process is written. There's also a blank space in the other half for notes. There was nothing written on it. From time to time, I still think if I made the right decision.
- A couple of ArtStud1 ice breakers - They're shaped like miniature UP blue books in different neon colors. It was such a fun class with a very fun prof. I knew I could have aced that class or at least got a high grade from it. But no, I dropped that course for a really dumb reason which I haven't told my mom about. I plan to graduate first before telling her. That day is slowly, but surely, coming.
- Gabbi's crumpled up debut invitation - The coolest invitation I got for anything, ever. (I don't get a lot of invitations.) It has a four-panel comic on the first half and a self-proclaimed "nerd and geeky invite" on the other. It wasn't an typical debut either. She invited our block to go laser tagging and pizza. Looking back at the photos, this might be one of the few times our block's been close to being complete. Good times. *random note : almost 2 years after, I still adhere to my belief that the boy in the comic is unbelievably reminiscent of someone very close to Gabbi's heart. HAHAHA hi Gabbi!
- A pseudocode for AES's Mix Column step and a list of things I needed to do for that certain weekend - Just a bunch of things I wrote down on some random paper I had in my back, written in some pencil I conveniently had lurking in my bag back then. I wrote this down in the Ministop beside Robinson's Manila. I was so bored (and tired of walking around) I was forced to doodle about work. That was such a long and exhausting day. It didn't end pretty.
- A compressed version of "June at Johnny"'s script where the previous bulet point was written on - Didn't remember I wrote it there until I unfolded the paper. It ended up being a scratch paper since when I printed it out in a computer shop, it came out with all the spaces deleted. Had to retype everything AND reprint everything. I was late to theater class because of that. Such a waste of time and money.
- An Angry Birds rubber ball - Nope, no nostalgia trip here. Just gave me a way to waste a couple of minutes bouncing it off the walls and chasing it under tables and counter tops. Also missed a few heartbeats when it repeatedly tried to jump off my window 32 stories up from the ground.
And now I don't have any energy nor willingness to find that damned paper. I don't want so fail a one unit course just because of a freaking piece of paper that just might be left in the province. Oh man oh man oh man. But whatever, it was fun going through my stuff and talking about some of them. I can't throw any of them out. It's good to have a reminder of the past lying around the house or somewhere inside one of my bags. Big or small, good or bad, they're still remnants of the past that shaped me, and are now dear memories I'd treasure...until I forget them one by one because of age.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Simplicity
Simplicity doesn't only manifest in things like clothing, or design or patterns. One can also manifest simplicity in terms of thoughts and emotions.
It's one of the few ideals I've come to adhere to in my 19 measly years of existence. Things rarely need to be complicated, especially when it comes to one's inner issues.
But with simplicity comes courage. Ironically, some people find it easy to hide behind complex walls and barriers. It might be comforting to some extent.
Simply opening the door and being vulnerable to the bright sunlight maybe as scary as it is enticing.
My point is, I sincerely hope you will all be touched by this sense of simplicity accompanied, of course, by a deep well of courage to help you embrace the bright outdoors.
:)
Complexity
There are a bunch of times that I feel compelled to write something in this blog without any prior plans of doing so nor any prior inspiration to do so. This is one of those times.
...
Oh I know what to write about.
Things have been relatively peaceful around me for quite some time now. Hmm, actually, let's call it "more quiet". Probably, this can be attributed to the fact that the semester's ending and everyone's focusing on their academics. Or maybe, the fire fueling many of us have already been watered down by a freezing cold dose of "reality." That, or everyone just collectively stopped giving a fck. Whichever may be the case, the silence is refreshing.
Then again, silence is not an indication that the gears have stopped moving.
Everything seems to be happening in the background now. Just in the back of their minds, the depths of their hearts. Sometimes they'll let out a little scream out, but otherwise, they look happy, or at least, stable. I'd like to think that they are finally stable, or getting there. Except, I can't.
There's so much complex emotions and ideals tangled together that an abrupt stop just doesn't justify it. This complexity that they've been putting up with is what bothers me. Then again, what is a human being without some degree of complexity. We'll be too boring that the gods might just smite us as a race if we don't have that inherent complexity.
Ok, let me back up a bit and revise what I've said. It's probably not the complexity that bothers me, but it's repetitiveness. Yeah, that feels better. The complexity of it all has trapped many in a recurring and exhausting cycle. It's fine dealing with complex emotions and ideals, so long as progress is made. It's exasperating to not see things changing.
Then again, I acknowledge the fact that complex things need time. I just can't take that some things have become cyclical, others too deep.
Looking at it in a different perspective, perhaps the reason I'm turned off by all of this is simply because I can't relate to it as of the moment. In a way, I should consider myself lucky for being spared of the burden of worrying about such complex (inner) problems as I'm writing this entry. Then again, if I ever do encounter such complications, I'll make sure I can trust myself no matter what. In the end, the greatest pull will always come from within oneself.
Encountering a complication is inevitable, but getting stuck in one is a choice.
...
Oh I know what to write about.
Things have been relatively peaceful around me for quite some time now. Hmm, actually, let's call it "more quiet". Probably, this can be attributed to the fact that the semester's ending and everyone's focusing on their academics. Or maybe, the fire fueling many of us have already been watered down by a freezing cold dose of "reality." That, or everyone just collectively stopped giving a fck. Whichever may be the case, the silence is refreshing.
Then again, silence is not an indication that the gears have stopped moving.
Everything seems to be happening in the background now. Just in the back of their minds, the depths of their hearts. Sometimes they'll let out a little scream out, but otherwise, they look happy, or at least, stable. I'd like to think that they are finally stable, or getting there. Except, I can't.
There's so much complex emotions and ideals tangled together that an abrupt stop just doesn't justify it. This complexity that they've been putting up with is what bothers me. Then again, what is a human being without some degree of complexity. We'll be too boring that the gods might just smite us as a race if we don't have that inherent complexity.
Ok, let me back up a bit and revise what I've said. It's probably not the complexity that bothers me, but it's repetitiveness. Yeah, that feels better. The complexity of it all has trapped many in a recurring and exhausting cycle. It's fine dealing with complex emotions and ideals, so long as progress is made. It's exasperating to not see things changing.
Then again, I acknowledge the fact that complex things need time. I just can't take that some things have become cyclical, others too deep.
Looking at it in a different perspective, perhaps the reason I'm turned off by all of this is simply because I can't relate to it as of the moment. In a way, I should consider myself lucky for being spared of the burden of worrying about such complex (inner) problems as I'm writing this entry. Then again, if I ever do encounter such complications, I'll make sure I can trust myself no matter what. In the end, the greatest pull will always come from within oneself.
Encountering a complication is inevitable, but getting stuck in one is a choice.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
the adult thing to do
A few hours ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine over Facebook. We weren't talking about anything in particular, just throwing jokes and teases here and there. In the middle of it, I pointed out that she's about to turn 20 this year. Well, so will I. We passed it off with the usual "Oh you're getting so old!" kind of tease, but the idea of this "big leap" lingered in my head. 20 is not "old" per se. But erasing the "-teen" suffix in one's age forever reminds us of something.
"You're not a teen anymore. Start acting like an adult."
And being a adult means that sometimes, you've got to suck up your pride to keep everything around you from crumbling. Sometimes, you just have to bow down so that you're loved ones would stop getting hurt. And even though you hate apologizing when you know you're not in the wrong because you find it unfair, you just have to do it.
Looks like I'm about to start learning how to act like an adult right now.
*sigh*
It's time to make this damned phone call and hopefully get this over with.
"You're not a teen anymore. Start acting like an adult."
And being a adult means that sometimes, you've got to suck up your pride to keep everything around you from crumbling. Sometimes, you just have to bow down so that you're loved ones would stop getting hurt. And even though you hate apologizing when you know you're not in the wrong because you find it unfair, you just have to do it.
Looks like I'm about to start learning how to act like an adult right now.
*sigh*
It's time to make this damned phone call and hopefully get this over with.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Other people's crap
I doubt there's anyone in my immediate network that's creepily thinking about other people's crap till late at night. I hope I'm wrong, though. It would be nice to know if there's at least another person "near" me with the same unnecessary habit of worrying about other people; the same itch we can't scratch.
There's just people that don't deserve the crap they're experiencing. They're all such great humans!
ESPECIALLY YOU!
Goddammit!
Oftentimes I just want to hug you, then I realize it would be too weird to ask for a hug out of the blue, so I settle for patting you on the head. Then I realize that's just a slightly weirder version of a hug.
BUT GAH!
I feel like it's the only thing I can do. As I am right now, I'm incapable of understanding the depths of your pain and sadness. I don't have enough confidence in my words being able to reach you, especially through such thick barriers that you've put up. I can only hope that, at the very least, my sincerity can be transmitted through my touch.
The only thing I have that think might help you is my presence.
And willingness to listen.
If ever you would want to be heard.
So let me sit here for a while.
And creepily think about your crap.
There's just people that don't deserve the crap they're experiencing. They're all such great humans!
ESPECIALLY YOU!
Goddammit!
Oftentimes I just want to hug you, then I realize it would be too weird to ask for a hug out of the blue, so I settle for patting you on the head. Then I realize that's just a slightly weirder version of a hug.
BUT GAH!
I feel like it's the only thing I can do. As I am right now, I'm incapable of understanding the depths of your pain and sadness. I don't have enough confidence in my words being able to reach you, especially through such thick barriers that you've put up. I can only hope that, at the very least, my sincerity can be transmitted through my touch.
The only thing I have that think might help you is my presence.
And willingness to listen.
If ever you would want to be heard.
So let me sit here for a while.
And creepily think about your crap.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
One Giant Mess
Phew. I finally managed to dig myself up from the pile of schoolwork I've been buried on since my last post. To be fair, I'm not doing acads /all the time/, but in those times, I'd be too tired to do blogs. (Seriously, why do I always feel the need to explain why I haven't posted anything in a while every time I miss out. hahaha)
ANYWAY.
(So, ugh. I just deleted the whole block of text that used to be in here. Why am I saying so? Uhm...because I want to be...transparent? Wut? Wut?)
It's a few days away from Valentine's day, so let's try having a theme for once :
Mushroom Hats.
...
Ok, I didn't really know what I was going for with that one. But really, let's talk about love (in a less negative light) for a little bit.
I'm not the best person when it comes to creatively expressing the inner depths of my soul. I'm quite fascinated by people who can. They keep finding more and more ways on how to release and interpret the tangle of emotions coursing through they're hearts, especially on the topic of love. Oh, love! One will be buried with all the love-based content getting churned out in the blogs alone. While that's all well and good as they're able to squeeze out their emotional/creative juices, sometimes things just get a little bit...messy.
Or that's just me being not as deep as other people.
Sometimes, I feel like the idea of "love" has become more confusing than ever. With the way love has been interpreted and expressed over and over again, it got twisted and tangled and transformed into this scary, lonely, overly complicated albeit inescapable shroud of mystery that everyone's caught up in. I'm not one to say that love is the simplest thing in the world. It's such a difficult component of life. But I can't help thinking, "Shouldn't love be a little simpler than all this?"
Whenever a person thinks about love, it starts out as this single ball of light and warmth that you cradle in your palm. Then, it bursts like the cliche firework analogy. Thousands of colors. Yehey. But with all the fanfare one can easily get caught up in the endless possibilities, and later on, consequences that love entail. After all, some of the most difficult emotions and situations to handle are intertwined with love. Problems based or related to love usually spawns out more and more problems the more you try to get out. Super fcked up. Due to the nature of love as being so addicting, other people will naturally get drawn to your love problems. Even in it's cruelest form, love still manages attract people towards you. These people now flood you with all sorts of opinions (all of which you take in without prejudice because you believe everyone's opinion has value) about your current situation. As these conflicting ideals clump up in your head, the tiny cracks of doubt you have on your own beliefs start to get pressure. You justify your beliefs, but his simply makes more sense. Hers too. And hers. And his. And theirs. Everyone's thoughts makes sense! GAHD! Without being able to do anything, the wall just crumbles and buries you, along with that single ball of light cupped in your hand.
>So what exactly are you going for with THAT one? You just showed an example of how messy love can be.
-Yeah. The total opposite of the point I'm trying to make. UGH! Fck this! Love is one big clusterfck!
Wait! No! I have to make my case! >.<
Before being overwhelmed by the sheer complexity of love, I'd like to think there's always something we can do about it. Something we can hold on to. I'd like to believe that we can always hold on to that single ball of light and focus our energy onto it. Then whatever confusing, meta-physical obstacle love throws at you, you won't get lost.
The way to do that outside of the metaphorical context is to affirm your sincerity.
Sincerity, not only towards your love interest, but towards yourself and your own feelings.
Sometimes, we get clouded by all the negativity of love that we tend to forget our own feelings, in its simplest form : without all the "but's".
"I admire her but I don't think she's too far from my reach."
"I like him but he might think I'm weird because it's the girl making the move."
"I like her but all the other guys chasing her are so much better than me."
"I love her but there's always something or someone getting in our way."
Bulllsht.
Go back the the simplest form of your feelings; go back to that single ball of light and warmth. Disregard for a moment your doubts, your fears, your insecurities. Be sincere with yourself; acknowledge your purest emotions and bask in the comfort and liberation coming from the mere acceptance of your own feelings. Once you remember the origin of your emotions, that's where you pull your purpose, courage and determination from. Whatever you need to clear through the darkness created by your own mind and the situation you're in, pull it from that single, sincere emotion that you bear. From then on, your path will become brighter, so much brighter.
It's just so saddening to see a lot of people be agonized by love. Even though I acknowledge the difficulties that this powerful emotion has chained with it, I still believe in love as being the best source of happiness in this world, in whatever form you want to experience it from. If we can only go back to the simple, yet pure, moments of happiness, then maybe we'd realize that all this clusterfck we're experiencing is worth it.
ANYWAY.
(So, ugh. I just deleted the whole block of text that used to be in here. Why am I saying so? Uhm...because I want to be...transparent? Wut? Wut?)
It's a few days away from Valentine's day, so let's try having a theme for once :
Mushroom Hats.
...
Ok, I didn't really know what I was going for with that one. But really, let's talk about love (in a less negative light) for a little bit.
I'm not the best person when it comes to creatively expressing the inner depths of my soul. I'm quite fascinated by people who can. They keep finding more and more ways on how to release and interpret the tangle of emotions coursing through they're hearts, especially on the topic of love. Oh, love! One will be buried with all the love-based content getting churned out in the blogs alone. While that's all well and good as they're able to squeeze out their emotional/creative juices, sometimes things just get a little bit...messy.
Or that's just me being not as deep as other people.
Sometimes, I feel like the idea of "love" has become more confusing than ever. With the way love has been interpreted and expressed over and over again, it got twisted and tangled and transformed into this scary, lonely, overly complicated albeit inescapable shroud of mystery that everyone's caught up in. I'm not one to say that love is the simplest thing in the world. It's such a difficult component of life. But I can't help thinking, "Shouldn't love be a little simpler than all this?"
Whenever a person thinks about love, it starts out as this single ball of light and warmth that you cradle in your palm. Then, it bursts like the cliche firework analogy. Thousands of colors. Yehey. But with all the fanfare one can easily get caught up in the endless possibilities, and later on, consequences that love entail. After all, some of the most difficult emotions and situations to handle are intertwined with love. Problems based or related to love usually spawns out more and more problems the more you try to get out. Super fcked up. Due to the nature of love as being so addicting, other people will naturally get drawn to your love problems. Even in it's cruelest form, love still manages attract people towards you. These people now flood you with all sorts of opinions (all of which you take in without prejudice because you believe everyone's opinion has value) about your current situation. As these conflicting ideals clump up in your head, the tiny cracks of doubt you have on your own beliefs start to get pressure. You justify your beliefs, but his simply makes more sense. Hers too. And hers. And his. And theirs. Everyone's thoughts makes sense! GAHD! Without being able to do anything, the wall just crumbles and buries you, along with that single ball of light cupped in your hand.
>So what exactly are you going for with THAT one? You just showed an example of how messy love can be.
-Yeah. The total opposite of the point I'm trying to make. UGH! Fck this! Love is one big clusterfck!
Wait! No! I have to make my case! >.<
Before being overwhelmed by the sheer complexity of love, I'd like to think there's always something we can do about it. Something we can hold on to. I'd like to believe that we can always hold on to that single ball of light and focus our energy onto it. Then whatever confusing, meta-physical obstacle love throws at you, you won't get lost.
The way to do that outside of the metaphorical context is to affirm your sincerity.
Sincerity, not only towards your love interest, but towards yourself and your own feelings.
Sometimes, we get clouded by all the negativity of love that we tend to forget our own feelings, in its simplest form : without all the "but's".
"I admire her but I don't think she's too far from my reach."
"I like him but he might think I'm weird because it's the girl making the move."
"I like her but all the other guys chasing her are so much better than me."
"I love her but there's always something or someone getting in our way."
Bulllsht.
Go back the the simplest form of your feelings; go back to that single ball of light and warmth. Disregard for a moment your doubts, your fears, your insecurities. Be sincere with yourself; acknowledge your purest emotions and bask in the comfort and liberation coming from the mere acceptance of your own feelings. Once you remember the origin of your emotions, that's where you pull your purpose, courage and determination from. Whatever you need to clear through the darkness created by your own mind and the situation you're in, pull it from that single, sincere emotion that you bear. From then on, your path will become brighter, so much brighter.
It's just so saddening to see a lot of people be agonized by love. Even though I acknowledge the difficulties that this powerful emotion has chained with it, I still believe in love as being the best source of happiness in this world, in whatever form you want to experience it from. If we can only go back to the simple, yet pure, moments of happiness, then maybe we'd realize that all this clusterfck we're experiencing is worth it.
Monday, January 7, 2013
To my dearest
You may have noticed something has changed in the way I interact with you. For what it's worth, I'll admit it's deliberate. I do put conscious effort in sounding more distant than I normally, truthfully, am. I intentionally dodge moments that I feel will turn to cheesy, albeit heartwarming, conversations with cool topic enders. I try my best to refrain from complementing every part of your being whenever I have a chance. I'd throw a flat sign of slight approval instead. One that even sounds like I forced it out my mouth just to make you stop from feeling bad.
Yeah, I do that now.
I'm just protecting myself. If I let myself indulge in the euphoria of spending time with you, I fear I'd lose myself again. Whenever I put my guard down, I become a slave of your presence. I can't even be the master of my own emotion. You take me from one end of the spectrum to the other. You've caused me most of my biggest heartaches, yet why is it that your slightest nudge of odd sweetness launches me to the heavens? It's not fair!
I just want to get a tight hold of myself. Lately, whenever you fill my heart with joy, a tinge of disappointment seeps in.
"Here you go again, feeling all fluttery and smiling like an idiot. Haven't you learned your lesson yet? You know in yourself that this is isn't a race, nor a marathon. Your stuck in a treadmill. You run for as long as you can, but you never really move an inch forward. Then you're calves tighten, your legs start to hurt. Eventually, you're heart gets worn out and you stop. Exhausted. Not an inch forward."
Going through this cycle makes me feel like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still an idiot, nonetheless.
So please, let me be detached, or act detached, for a little longer. By acting like it, maybe my heart will actually learn to live without needing your warmth.
Because if I'm not always on my toes... If I let up even for a second and allow even your fingertip to touch me, all my walls would crumble yet again. My very core will be in the clutches of your soft, tiny hands. And as it always has been, I'll be left bare, vulnerable, enslaved by your smile.
Yeah, I do that now.
I'm just protecting myself. If I let myself indulge in the euphoria of spending time with you, I fear I'd lose myself again. Whenever I put my guard down, I become a slave of your presence. I can't even be the master of my own emotion. You take me from one end of the spectrum to the other. You've caused me most of my biggest heartaches, yet why is it that your slightest nudge of odd sweetness launches me to the heavens? It's not fair!
I just want to get a tight hold of myself. Lately, whenever you fill my heart with joy, a tinge of disappointment seeps in.
"Here you go again, feeling all fluttery and smiling like an idiot. Haven't you learned your lesson yet? You know in yourself that this is isn't a race, nor a marathon. Your stuck in a treadmill. You run for as long as you can, but you never really move an inch forward. Then you're calves tighten, your legs start to hurt. Eventually, you're heart gets worn out and you stop. Exhausted. Not an inch forward."
Going through this cycle makes me feel like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still an idiot, nonetheless.
So please, let me be detached, or act detached, for a little longer. By acting like it, maybe my heart will actually learn to live without needing your warmth.
Because if I'm not always on my toes... If I let up even for a second and allow even your fingertip to touch me, all my walls would crumble yet again. My very core will be in the clutches of your soft, tiny hands. And as it always has been, I'll be left bare, vulnerable, enslaved by your smile.
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