Tss.

I told myself I'll write something positive but what the hell am I doing? =)) Oh well, please bear with me for now. :(

Admit It

Admit it.

Admit that you're scared. That the uncertainty is eating you up. It scares you that it's nothing "simple", nothing that can be called "ordinary". The possibility of it taking away everything you have and everything you dreamed of having.

Admit that you've done something wrong. That you've been making dumb decisions left and right. That you haven't thinking about your actions. That all of those are now catching up to you and you're gonna have to turn back and face them all.

Admit that you weren't careful. That it was your fault and yours alone. That you can't have it all. That sometimes you're gonna trip, fall and get wounded.

Admit that you need someone. That you can't do it alone; can't handle it alone. That you need someone to talk to. Someone who will hear you. Someone who will listen. Someone who'll hold while you're shivering in fear. Darkness becomes more daunting when pursued alone.

Admit that you're not strong enough to hold back your tears. You're weaker than you think, or at least pretend to be.

Admit it.

Admit it all.

Sorry About That

Aaaaaaaah. I feel like there's too much negativity in this blog. I promise I'll put up something more positive to counter all mah previous posts. =))

Just Stop

Stop. I can't tolerate you smoldering us with your self-pity anymore. I know being alienated from a topic can be pretty sad, but you don't have to slap that fact on our faces. Just don't react. It's as if you're screaming "Hey hey hey hey! I don't get what you're talking about so let's change the topic to my needs!". Asshole. Do you want us to comfort you? Or do you want us to affirm your faults and shortcomings? Those miserable nudges have become increasingly annoying each passing day. Then when you see even a little hole you can use to topple another person, you attack him as if you're the most knowledgeable person alive. I can always imagine you being a character that's always been put down and because of this, you bottled up feelings of revenge that you dish out to other people you think are below you.

I can't believe I can actually dislike someone this much. I feel bad about it, but whatever. I'd rather be this way than bottle it up and suddenly explode without due warning.

I Don't Like Hospitals

   I don't like going to hospitals. Actually, throw in clinics to the mix as well. Whenever I go there, I feel like something's wrong with me. If it's not me, I'm probably there because something's wrong to someone close to me. And just in case I happen to be in a hospital without any significant reason, there's still something wrong with SOMEONE inside the building.

   I can feel the sheer sadness and agony of the patients inside the hospital. Everywhere I look, there's going to be someone ill, burned, broken. I know that I need to think of the hospital as a place of healing and new hope, but on the flipside, it's a place where pain and suffering is collected, concentrated. Its halls are filled with a certain feeling of dread. In worse cases, its filled with a lingering sense of death.

   For someone like me with an irresistible urge to help people and generally make the people around me free of pain, the hospital is the worst place to be in. I get suffocated in the thick cloud negativity in the air. It's as if I can feel a fraction of the sadness of every person I come across with. It's almost unbearable. I hate it.

Sense of Guilt

     It's not exactly a bad thing to have a sense of guilt in the actions that we do. Personally, I think having a proper sense of guilt compels us to do the "right thing". Having little to no sense of guilt makes it hard for someone to keep promises or meet deadlines. There's nothing stopping them from brushing off appointments and meet-ups. This is especially true when it comes to social contracts, where they're not really bound by an official memo written in a piece of paper or an order from a superior. The only thing you can hold on to is, ultimately, their sense of guilt.

     "She'll bring those notes tomorrow for sure. I've been asking for those for over a week now."
     "I'm sure he'll come, he wouldn't want to keep us waiting for too long, right?"
     "I've helped those guys out when they called for help before, naturally, they'd help me when I'm in need, right?"

      Such fantasies.

      When dealing with people without a good sense of guilt, all those assumptions will mean nothing. They won't really think much if you've been asking for those note for weeks or if you've been waiting too long or if you've helped them out before. None of those will matter. All you'll be getting is an excuse that you'll find either irritating or idiotic (or a gut-wrenching mix of both) or something beyond all that : "Oops."

     Now you'll be left wondering. How can that person afford to put off such promises, especially when it's of utmost importance? You've put your trust on that person, thinking that he must have understood the gravity of the said promises, yet he comes back after a couple of hours, late, and oblivious of how upset you've become. The more he smiles so nonchalantly, the more your urge to punch it out of his face increases. Don't worry, it's pretty normal. Actually punching him is a whole different story, though. I don't recommend it since after you hit him with a solid straight to the face and he bleeds from his nose and mouth, you'll still be the one in a disadvantage. Remember, the social contract is of great value ONLY to you. He'll simply think of you as some barbaric idiot who'll punch somebody just because he's 3 hours late for small group meeting. What's all the fuss about, right? Psh. Most of the time, nothing will change on his side. You'll just have a more destructive atmosphere around each other, which a no-no especially when you still need to work together for a long period of time.

      (But if you really can't help it, make sure you throw a punch hard enough to knock him out or make him whine like a bitch. So that whatever happens, you'll have that image of him lying in the floor, bleeding, and quivering in pain. It'll make for a pretty satisfying memory.)

      What then must you do if such a person without a sense of guilt fails you for the nth time? Sad to say, I don't know a way out when dealing with them myself. I haven't tried punching him (yet), confronting him, or anything in particular, really. I feel like I'll waste out precious working time if I make too big of a fuss about it. What I do, I just don't expect him to fulfill his end of the deal, for the most part. Better yet, I don't even begin to create any such deals with him.

     Expecting something from someone without a sense of guilt is one of the most frustrating feelings you can avoid quite easily. In the end, it'll be your choice if you choose to steer clear from unnecessary annoyance or walk right into a spiral of pent-up irritation and bad vibes.

Round and round and round and...

round. And round.

Round and round and round. During late nights like this, I always seem to find myself walking round and round and round the house. Or the room. Or wherever I am in. Thinking of thoughts that go round and round and round without much of a goal. Just thinking of them because it's apparently what's going round and round and round my head. Maybe those thoughts that go round and round and round is what's making me walk round and round and round the room. Maybe? Maybe. I can't really say for sure. And asking myself will just make the discussion go round and round and round without end.

I get tired walking round and round and round so I sit. Stare at the screen. Press alt+tab, ctrl+tab. Press ctrl+tab. Press ctrl+tab. Press ctrl+tab. Hey look, I just got back to the tab I've been in the first place. I just went round and round and round my tabs. Realizing this, I press alt+tab. Alt+tab. Alt+tab. Psh, back to Chrome. Maybe there's changes on my tabs. Let me cycle through them. Again. Nothing's really happened. Why would there be, anyway? This is boring. So I stand up and walk again and think again. Round and round and round. Then I get tired again. So I sit again. And stare again. And press alt+tab and ctrl+tab again. Delving on to this cycle, going round and round and round.

Then I sit. But this time, I don't stare at the screen. I stare at the wall clock hanging on the wall. It's been almost 2 hours that I've been walking and thinking and sitting and staring and pressing and standing up. Round and round and round. It says 3:37am. The hands of the clock ticking. Round and round and round.

"W-what the hell did you just--!"

"Aw, you shouldn't be too shocked. More than anyone else, you're the one I expect to understand me. After all, we're pretty much two sides of the same coin. You see, just as you're righteous without a reason, I'm evil without a purpose! Nothing's forcing me to be evil. I'm a character without any back story, an entity without chains. I don't have anything convenient like a parent killed in a dark alley or an unbearable trauma from my dark childhood. I just woke up one day with a sudden urge to bore a hole in the head of the first person that I saw. And that's exactly what I did. Simple as that.

In a world filled with constraints, heroes like you are at a disadvantage. And an unbound existence like me can roam around, unscathed, scattering chaos behind my trail while the world crumbles down, chained by the morality they so desperately adhere to."

You. Yes, you.

When I told them I haven't encountered someone like you before, I meant it. It wasn't a ploy to be cheesy or romantic. Maybe I just haven't met enough people, or girls to be specific, in my life that I'm constantly amazed by you. By your gentle sweetness and thoughtfulness. Your little antics always seem to have a dash of sugar and the scent of vanilla. It's addicting to say the least. Every time I see you and talk to you, I feel like your sucking me in further and  further. It's actually alarming.

You are seriously one amazing lady. I may seem like an idiot when I try -- struggle -- to talk you, but please don't be weirded out. It's hard to think straight and keep my composure whenever I'm in your presence.

I couldn't stop myself.

I ended up doing it. I ended up doing my own version of the work. I don't like taking other people's work and re-doing it from scratch. I think it's rude. But...but! I don't know. I've been sitting around the house all day thinking how everything will fit together. Technically it's not my job to think about it, but this is what's bad when one's work is so closely dependent on the other. Since the output I'm supposed to depend on has been delayed for around 2 days now, my brain had to kick in and start creating a possible output I can work on. But here's the problem, what if my projected output doesn't match his real output? Where does that leave my work? And how do I act when I completely disagree on what he did? I mean, dammit, it's so fcking confusing! Ugh!

I'm just blowing off some steam in here since I can't do that anywhere else but here. IN CASE you read this and you think this is YOU, I'm sorry. I just think your output needs a little more work. I know I also have my fault of being biased of my work and I will try to compromise.

I'm gonna stop here.

I know when I'm becoming an asshole. A controlling know-it-all-wannabe. I know when I'm starting to become too full of myself. So before I become too disgusted with myself and inevitably create internal dispute, I'm gonna stop here. Since I'll be working with him for the rest of the year, I don't want anything that will severe our work relationship. I'll just trust him that everything's gonna be fine. Once I've cooled my head, I'll get back to work.

Something

It's a bit weird not to write anything here despite the consecutive days that school has been suspended. I feel like I have to write something, anything. Mainly because I said I won't leave this blog vacant as much as possible. But who am I kidding? For the most part, this blog is purely just for my self-gratification. A place where I can dump my thoughts, if I have any. Invisible readers that I'm not sure exist are the most suitable audience in this situation. I get to pretend someone's reading this. By doing so, I get to filter out my thoughts. I even try my best to make this as coherent as possible. I try avoiding spelling mistakes. I try to organize my words as much as possible. But in the end, it's just me talking to myself.

It's not as sad as it sounds. I actually like talking to myself. Some say it actually helps one think better. Even in coding, they encourage coders to have a "rubber ducky" to talk to when we're working. It helps you notice your mistakes and correct them on the spot. New ideas spring out from discussing with oneself. Though, isn't that in itself an odd concept. You have no exterior input. All you have is your own brain and your own thoughts, but still something, an idea, is born without you even noticing. It's odd, but very fascinating.

I'm pretty proud of myself at this point, to be able to get through 2 paragraphs without any plan from the beginning. I started writing this post without a single idea in mind. No, really. Like I said, I felt like I needed to write something here so I clicked and typed away. It turned out pretty random and without much of a point in it all, but at least, it's something. And something is what I wanted to write.

It sucks.

It sucks that I don't get to talk to you anymore. I've pretty much realized I'm at fault for what's happening and challenging you in a staring contest is probably the worst decision I've made by far. I mean, I should know better than anyone just how stubborn you can be. You've told me stories after stories about it. But then what? What comes after I raise the white flag? We'd talk like we used to? Probably. No. It won't be the same. We'll be careful of the topics we bring up. I'll be able to talk to you but I won't know what you're really thinking and feeling since asking about it will eventually lead up to "that". To "him". Which will suck just as much as not being to talk to you.

So what does this mean? Which ever choice I take, it'll suck all the same. The mere thought of this inescapable loop is so sad.

For what it's worth, I'm not mad that you don't like me. Neither am I mad that you like him. I'm just irritated by how unfair the world is. How the very feeling that made me smile during hard times and helped me focus when everything seems so chaotic is the same feeling that kills me whenever I see your picture in my list of online contacts yet I can't bring myself to click it and say "Hey, what's up?". How giving my most sincere feelings yields me hardly anything. How you I sulk for you while you cry for him.

If you're seeing this, hopefully you've done what I told you to do when we last talked. Grow a pair! Tell him you like him already, dammit. At least one of us will be happy. He does seem to like you, as well. I've told you that already, anyway. And you did say others told you that, as well.

I know you're going through some tough times. Though I can barely count the times that you're not. But this time is different. This time around, I don't have the slightest of idea on what's happening. I can't even, at the very least, stand beside you while you cry. Right now, I can only hope you're hanging on. Please be alright. If you're still reading up to this point, I want you to know I'm sorry. You're stubbornness must have rubbed off on me, so I'll probably put this stupid act up. But I'm really worried about you. Really worried. I can't tell you that, though. Man, I'm so full of contradictions at this point.

Ah,whatever.