I find it quite a nice coincidence that I got to be with you the very day I started working on my final paper on Philosophy regarding love. Maybe this is even some kind of unconscious will that manifested without me noticing. Maybe before I could write properly about love, I needed to see you; I needed you. Some questions ask for some real accounts, if possible. Now, I won't be writing about you in there, no no. I wouldn't to riddle my term paper with unnecessary biases and stories of my (*cough* our) past (hahaha).
But rest assured, images of you will surely flash through my mind as I write this 10-paged monstrosity. I'll probably stop once in a while to think of you and let things sink in deeper than usual. Let me fuel each line I type with our memories scattered throughout these 4 years of ups and downs.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
the "why?" of things
Ever since I was a kid, and up till now that I'm thin, perverted perfectly healthy almost-20 man, there is one phrase I still thoroughly believe in.
(or not. i didn't care to check if they are indeed logically the same. marry me.)
My father only said it to me once when I was a little boy, but somehow, it got stuck in this brain of mine. If I remember correctly, he used crying as an example.
I haven't really realized that I've been adhering to it until I got to college. Then again, "everything" does mean, well, everything. Including the effects of inanimate or non-sentient entities, strokes of luck or misfortune, countless coincidences that happen all around us, which, as the phrase suggests, happens or is done for a reason. This may now suggest that there is an external force, holding that reason, that compels things to happen as they do, which in turn, is a point of a heated, not to mention pointless, argument between idiots of two ideologies. So I like to narrow down that "everything" to people. People's thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, reactions, everything. Everything we do has a reason.
We've only had 2 "informal" sessions in our introductory psychology (during the time of writing), but I've come to realize a very humbling feature of the course. Psychology (as per my narrow view of it), and the question "why?" in general, begs us to be more compassionate as we navigate through life. The need to understand other people's reasons (and just as importantly, your own) for doing the they do steers us away from ignorant hate. Before you go on a rampage on how they're not supposed to disagree with you because they are brainless maggots without breeding, stop, calm yo tits, breathe, and think. Even in an age where trolls have become as common as sidewalk trash, I still like to adhere to the belief that people just don't do things for no reason. There will always be a force propelling them to the direction they are headed. Understanding what this force is may not necessarily lead us to agree with other people, but at the very least, it prevents you from taking things too personally (a problem I know I have, after years and years of internally denying it) and spark conflict. Usually, in order to understand the "why", we have to elevate ourselves from the situation; an overseer's perspective. This lessens the chance of conflict since there's at least one person who understands the situation, and has the opportunity to alleviate it : you.
And this is exactly why I dislike blind haters. People who shouts out their dismay on matters without understanding why the hate on it; what exactly ticks them off. This leads to an overblown display of discontent on a general or broad view of the matter, when in fact, they are only irritated by one aspect of it. I've been irritated by a bunch of people in the past. Some still do. Ok, most still do. But that's only because they're a pretty small bunch! (see: excuses)
Anyway, the point is, I've started examining myself why I'm irritated at these people. Turns out, even if at time, I'd like to smite them out of existence, I'm only repulsed by certain aspects of them. That's when I try to examine them. Why do they act that way? What are their reasons? Oftentimes, they're reasons far beyond the surface; far beyond the little quirks that annoy the sht out of me. At times, I even find myself reaching out to them to talk about their problems, the very reason why they act like dicks. Now, even if I understand them, it doesn't exactly erase my irritation of them completely, but I at least can steer clear of their ticks or even prevent them from acting that way by not triggering them with my actions. As long as they don't do their sht, it won't annoy me, and we'd be able to co-exist and have fun together.
Understanding the my own reasons are especially important to me. I've come to realize that I don't usually understand why I feel the emotions I feel. When I was little, I learned to love (fine, admire. don't go nuts with the wild idea of kids falling in love) certain people of the opposite gender. I grew a little older and I started feeling a tightness in my chest whenever the people I care deeply about seem happy with other people. A few years more, I've come to understand that this was jealousy. It felt impure when contrasted with "love", the feeling that I was supposedly feeling. It was not a feeling I was ready to accept as my own. Only years after that I've come to terms with it and say, "You know what, that's normal!" Obviously, the next evolutionary step was the question, why?
Why is it normal to be jealous? Why do I get jealous? Is it the same reason across different events and different people? Why do I feel the same sensation even without the presence of another guy? Does it also count as jealousy? If not, what is it, and why do I feel that way?
Ironically, I'm comforted by the amount of questions that pop up when thinking about my own emotions. To me, it means that the answer is not shallow. It can't be contained recklessly using words like "jealousy" or "love" because these words are not light. They have weight. They are heavy, and so are my emotions. Anyone's emotions, for that matter. It's a jumble of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants. And at the root of it all, a reason. An answer to the "why" of things.
Walang nangyayari nang walang rason.Nothing happens without a reason. A slightly more confusing way of saying "everything as a reason".
My father only said it to me once when I was a little boy, but somehow, it got stuck in this brain of mine. If I remember correctly, he used crying as an example.
Walang umiiyak ng wala lang.Maybe I was crying back then and I didn't want to tell him why. That part I can't remember.
I haven't really realized that I've been adhering to it until I got to college. Then again, "everything" does mean, well, everything. Including the effects of inanimate or non-sentient entities, strokes of luck or misfortune, countless coincidences that happen all around us, which, as the phrase suggests, happens or is done for a reason. This may now suggest that there is an external force, holding that reason, that compels things to happen as they do, which in turn, is a point of a heated, not to mention pointless, argument between idiots of two ideologies. So I like to narrow down that "everything" to people. People's thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, reactions, everything. Everything we do has a reason.
We've only had 2 "informal" sessions in our introductory psychology (during the time of writing), but I've come to realize a very humbling feature of the course. Psychology (as per my narrow view of it), and the question "why?" in general, begs us to be more compassionate as we navigate through life. The need to understand other people's reasons (and just as importantly, your own) for doing the they do steers us away from ignorant hate. Before you go on a rampage on how they're not supposed to disagree with you because they are brainless maggots without breeding, stop, calm yo tits, breathe, and think. Even in an age where trolls have become as common as sidewalk trash, I still like to adhere to the belief that people just don't do things for no reason. There will always be a force propelling them to the direction they are headed. Understanding what this force is may not necessarily lead us to agree with other people, but at the very least, it prevents you from taking things too personally (a problem I know I have, after years and years of internally denying it) and spark conflict. Usually, in order to understand the "why", we have to elevate ourselves from the situation; an overseer's perspective. This lessens the chance of conflict since there's at least one person who understands the situation, and has the opportunity to alleviate it : you.
And this is exactly why I dislike blind haters. People who shouts out their dismay on matters without understanding why the hate on it; what exactly ticks them off. This leads to an overblown display of discontent on a general or broad view of the matter, when in fact, they are only irritated by one aspect of it. I've been irritated by a bunch of people in the past. Some still do. Ok, most still do. But that's only because they're a pretty small bunch! (see: excuses)
Anyway, the point is, I've started examining myself why I'm irritated at these people. Turns out, even if at time, I'd like to smite them out of existence, I'm only repulsed by certain aspects of them. That's when I try to examine them. Why do they act that way? What are their reasons? Oftentimes, they're reasons far beyond the surface; far beyond the little quirks that annoy the sht out of me. At times, I even find myself reaching out to them to talk about their problems, the very reason why they act like dicks. Now, even if I understand them, it doesn't exactly erase my irritation of them completely, but I at least can steer clear of their ticks or even prevent them from acting that way by not triggering them with my actions. As long as they don't do their sht, it won't annoy me, and we'd be able to co-exist and have fun together.
Understanding the my own reasons are especially important to me. I've come to realize that I don't usually understand why I feel the emotions I feel. When I was little, I learned to love (fine, admire. don't go nuts with the wild idea of kids falling in love) certain people of the opposite gender. I grew a little older and I started feeling a tightness in my chest whenever the people I care deeply about seem happy with other people. A few years more, I've come to understand that this was jealousy. It felt impure when contrasted with "love", the feeling that I was supposedly feeling. It was not a feeling I was ready to accept as my own. Only years after that I've come to terms with it and say, "You know what, that's normal!" Obviously, the next evolutionary step was the question, why?
Why is it normal to be jealous? Why do I get jealous? Is it the same reason across different events and different people? Why do I feel the same sensation even without the presence of another guy? Does it also count as jealousy? If not, what is it, and why do I feel that way?
Ironically, I'm comforted by the amount of questions that pop up when thinking about my own emotions. To me, it means that the answer is not shallow. It can't be contained recklessly using words like "jealousy" or "love" because these words are not light. They have weight. They are heavy, and so are my emotions. Anyone's emotions, for that matter. It's a jumble of thoughts, emotions, needs, wants. And at the root of it all, a reason. An answer to the "why" of things.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
I often find myself biting my lip lately. I've been my most truthful to myself recently, but ironically, I've held more things within myself than ever before. I've been strengthening my shell as much as I could. I'm hoping this would be enough to protect me to a certain extent against the forthcoming waves, but at the same time, everything inside it gets trapped. It builds pressure. This is one of those little cracks that I want to allow so that a little bit of steam would shoot off.
Realization.
I'm scared. Terribly scared.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Scattered Memories
So as it turns out, I might have lost my Lab/Lec attendance sheet for CS194. I'm positive it's with me, dammit! Or in the province. I don't want to go back just to look for a piece of paper. That would be a huge waste of time and money. And like any panicking student would do, I turned the whole unit over. Minutes into looking for the elusive sheet of paper, I've come across a lot of junk that reminded me of different experiences I had during the 3 years I've currently spent in college. So I decided to log some of them that I've found interesting and tell you a bit about the story behind each one. Hopefully, I find my attendance sheet along the way. Lezzgow!
- CS135 "Mission Sheets" - Exercise problems....? I'm not sure. It was called "Missions" in the sheets so let's leave it at that. Skimmed through it for a bit. I'm not sure how I got the answers for them, but I think I was able to pass it one way or another. Not really sure what I found interesting in that one. I'm not sure about a lot of things in this one. Moving on.
- My All-Purpose Notebook - Used this one last semester. That's the only notebook I brought to school for the whole semester, and excluding all the doodling and scratch solutions to different problems across multiple subjects, I haven't even filled half of the notebook. I'm pretty sure this is not how I should be studying.
- Chynna's random drawings on my all-purpose notebook - There are a number of drawings of girl's faces in my notebook drawn by aforementioned friend. I remember she remarked that she liked drawing on my notebook because there really isn't much in it that's especially important....or something like that. Hahaha, hello there, Chynna!
- A bunch of CS145 Machine Exercise sheets and Long Exam sheets - They're scattered in different places across the house. But honestly, this is one of the most fun subjects I had this semester. My chest stings a bit while looking through each of them. *sigh* NDSG...
- A Forever 21 Gift Card - Ooooh, guuuuurl!!! I forgot I had this. No no, this is not my mom's. This is seriously mine. My mom's good friend gave it to me when she came to visit. Better use this some time.
- UP Sikat App Sheet - An introductory sheet where the general guidelines of the app process is written. There's also a blank space in the other half for notes. There was nothing written on it. From time to time, I still think if I made the right decision.
- A couple of ArtStud1 ice breakers - They're shaped like miniature UP blue books in different neon colors. It was such a fun class with a very fun prof. I knew I could have aced that class or at least got a high grade from it. But no, I dropped that course for a really dumb reason which I haven't told my mom about. I plan to graduate first before telling her. That day is slowly, but surely, coming.
- Gabbi's crumpled up debut invitation - The coolest invitation I got for anything, ever. (I don't get a lot of invitations.) It has a four-panel comic on the first half and a self-proclaimed "nerd and geeky invite" on the other. It wasn't an typical debut either. She invited our block to go laser tagging and pizza. Looking back at the photos, this might be one of the few times our block's been close to being complete. Good times. *random note : almost 2 years after, I still adhere to my belief that the boy in the comic is unbelievably reminiscent of someone very close to Gabbi's heart. HAHAHA hi Gabbi!
- A pseudocode for AES's Mix Column step and a list of things I needed to do for that certain weekend - Just a bunch of things I wrote down on some random paper I had in my back, written in some pencil I conveniently had lurking in my bag back then. I wrote this down in the Ministop beside Robinson's Manila. I was so bored (and tired of walking around) I was forced to doodle about work. That was such a long and exhausting day. It didn't end pretty.
- A compressed version of "June at Johnny"'s script where the previous bulet point was written on - Didn't remember I wrote it there until I unfolded the paper. It ended up being a scratch paper since when I printed it out in a computer shop, it came out with all the spaces deleted. Had to retype everything AND reprint everything. I was late to theater class because of that. Such a waste of time and money.
- An Angry Birds rubber ball - Nope, no nostalgia trip here. Just gave me a way to waste a couple of minutes bouncing it off the walls and chasing it under tables and counter tops. Also missed a few heartbeats when it repeatedly tried to jump off my window 32 stories up from the ground.
And now I don't have any energy nor willingness to find that damned paper. I don't want so fail a one unit course just because of a freaking piece of paper that just might be left in the province. Oh man oh man oh man. But whatever, it was fun going through my stuff and talking about some of them. I can't throw any of them out. It's good to have a reminder of the past lying around the house or somewhere inside one of my bags. Big or small, good or bad, they're still remnants of the past that shaped me, and are now dear memories I'd treasure...until I forget them one by one because of age.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Simplicity
Simplicity doesn't only manifest in things like clothing, or design or patterns. One can also manifest simplicity in terms of thoughts and emotions.
It's one of the few ideals I've come to adhere to in my 19 measly years of existence. Things rarely need to be complicated, especially when it comes to one's inner issues.
But with simplicity comes courage. Ironically, some people find it easy to hide behind complex walls and barriers. It might be comforting to some extent.
Simply opening the door and being vulnerable to the bright sunlight maybe as scary as it is enticing.
My point is, I sincerely hope you will all be touched by this sense of simplicity accompanied, of course, by a deep well of courage to help you embrace the bright outdoors.
:)
Complexity
There are a bunch of times that I feel compelled to write something in this blog without any prior plans of doing so nor any prior inspiration to do so. This is one of those times.
...
Oh I know what to write about.
Things have been relatively peaceful around me for quite some time now. Hmm, actually, let's call it "more quiet". Probably, this can be attributed to the fact that the semester's ending and everyone's focusing on their academics. Or maybe, the fire fueling many of us have already been watered down by a freezing cold dose of "reality." That, or everyone just collectively stopped giving a fck. Whichever may be the case, the silence is refreshing.
Then again, silence is not an indication that the gears have stopped moving.
Everything seems to be happening in the background now. Just in the back of their minds, the depths of their hearts. Sometimes they'll let out a little scream out, but otherwise, they look happy, or at least, stable. I'd like to think that they are finally stable, or getting there. Except, I can't.
There's so much complex emotions and ideals tangled together that an abrupt stop just doesn't justify it. This complexity that they've been putting up with is what bothers me. Then again, what is a human being without some degree of complexity. We'll be too boring that the gods might just smite us as a race if we don't have that inherent complexity.
Ok, let me back up a bit and revise what I've said. It's probably not the complexity that bothers me, but it's repetitiveness. Yeah, that feels better. The complexity of it all has trapped many in a recurring and exhausting cycle. It's fine dealing with complex emotions and ideals, so long as progress is made. It's exasperating to not see things changing.
Then again, I acknowledge the fact that complex things need time. I just can't take that some things have become cyclical, others too deep.
Looking at it in a different perspective, perhaps the reason I'm turned off by all of this is simply because I can't relate to it as of the moment. In a way, I should consider myself lucky for being spared of the burden of worrying about such complex (inner) problems as I'm writing this entry. Then again, if I ever do encounter such complications, I'll make sure I can trust myself no matter what. In the end, the greatest pull will always come from within oneself.
Encountering a complication is inevitable, but getting stuck in one is a choice.
...
Oh I know what to write about.
Things have been relatively peaceful around me for quite some time now. Hmm, actually, let's call it "more quiet". Probably, this can be attributed to the fact that the semester's ending and everyone's focusing on their academics. Or maybe, the fire fueling many of us have already been watered down by a freezing cold dose of "reality." That, or everyone just collectively stopped giving a fck. Whichever may be the case, the silence is refreshing.
Then again, silence is not an indication that the gears have stopped moving.
Everything seems to be happening in the background now. Just in the back of their minds, the depths of their hearts. Sometimes they'll let out a little scream out, but otherwise, they look happy, or at least, stable. I'd like to think that they are finally stable, or getting there. Except, I can't.
There's so much complex emotions and ideals tangled together that an abrupt stop just doesn't justify it. This complexity that they've been putting up with is what bothers me. Then again, what is a human being without some degree of complexity. We'll be too boring that the gods might just smite us as a race if we don't have that inherent complexity.
Ok, let me back up a bit and revise what I've said. It's probably not the complexity that bothers me, but it's repetitiveness. Yeah, that feels better. The complexity of it all has trapped many in a recurring and exhausting cycle. It's fine dealing with complex emotions and ideals, so long as progress is made. It's exasperating to not see things changing.
Then again, I acknowledge the fact that complex things need time. I just can't take that some things have become cyclical, others too deep.
Looking at it in a different perspective, perhaps the reason I'm turned off by all of this is simply because I can't relate to it as of the moment. In a way, I should consider myself lucky for being spared of the burden of worrying about such complex (inner) problems as I'm writing this entry. Then again, if I ever do encounter such complications, I'll make sure I can trust myself no matter what. In the end, the greatest pull will always come from within oneself.
Encountering a complication is inevitable, but getting stuck in one is a choice.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
the adult thing to do
A few hours ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine over Facebook. We weren't talking about anything in particular, just throwing jokes and teases here and there. In the middle of it, I pointed out that she's about to turn 20 this year. Well, so will I. We passed it off with the usual "Oh you're getting so old!" kind of tease, but the idea of this "big leap" lingered in my head. 20 is not "old" per se. But erasing the "-teen" suffix in one's age forever reminds us of something.
"You're not a teen anymore. Start acting like an adult."
And being a adult means that sometimes, you've got to suck up your pride to keep everything around you from crumbling. Sometimes, you just have to bow down so that you're loved ones would stop getting hurt. And even though you hate apologizing when you know you're not in the wrong because you find it unfair, you just have to do it.
Looks like I'm about to start learning how to act like an adult right now.
*sigh*
It's time to make this damned phone call and hopefully get this over with.
"You're not a teen anymore. Start acting like an adult."
And being a adult means that sometimes, you've got to suck up your pride to keep everything around you from crumbling. Sometimes, you just have to bow down so that you're loved ones would stop getting hurt. And even though you hate apologizing when you know you're not in the wrong because you find it unfair, you just have to do it.
Looks like I'm about to start learning how to act like an adult right now.
*sigh*
It's time to make this damned phone call and hopefully get this over with.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Other people's crap
I doubt there's anyone in my immediate network that's creepily thinking about other people's crap till late at night. I hope I'm wrong, though. It would be nice to know if there's at least another person "near" me with the same unnecessary habit of worrying about other people; the same itch we can't scratch.
There's just people that don't deserve the crap they're experiencing. They're all such great humans!
ESPECIALLY YOU!
Goddammit!
Oftentimes I just want to hug you, then I realize it would be too weird to ask for a hug out of the blue, so I settle for patting you on the head. Then I realize that's just a slightly weirder version of a hug.
BUT GAH!
I feel like it's the only thing I can do. As I am right now, I'm incapable of understanding the depths of your pain and sadness. I don't have enough confidence in my words being able to reach you, especially through such thick barriers that you've put up. I can only hope that, at the very least, my sincerity can be transmitted through my touch.
The only thing I have that think might help you is my presence.
And willingness to listen.
If ever you would want to be heard.
So let me sit here for a while.
And creepily think about your crap.
There's just people that don't deserve the crap they're experiencing. They're all such great humans!
ESPECIALLY YOU!
Goddammit!
Oftentimes I just want to hug you, then I realize it would be too weird to ask for a hug out of the blue, so I settle for patting you on the head. Then I realize that's just a slightly weirder version of a hug.
BUT GAH!
I feel like it's the only thing I can do. As I am right now, I'm incapable of understanding the depths of your pain and sadness. I don't have enough confidence in my words being able to reach you, especially through such thick barriers that you've put up. I can only hope that, at the very least, my sincerity can be transmitted through my touch.
The only thing I have that think might help you is my presence.
And willingness to listen.
If ever you would want to be heard.
So let me sit here for a while.
And creepily think about your crap.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
One Giant Mess
Phew. I finally managed to dig myself up from the pile of schoolwork I've been buried on since my last post. To be fair, I'm not doing acads /all the time/, but in those times, I'd be too tired to do blogs. (Seriously, why do I always feel the need to explain why I haven't posted anything in a while every time I miss out. hahaha)
ANYWAY.
(So, ugh. I just deleted the whole block of text that used to be in here. Why am I saying so? Uhm...because I want to be...transparent? Wut? Wut?)
It's a few days away from Valentine's day, so let's try having a theme for once :
Mushroom Hats.
...
Ok, I didn't really know what I was going for with that one. But really, let's talk about love (in a less negative light) for a little bit.
I'm not the best person when it comes to creatively expressing the inner depths of my soul. I'm quite fascinated by people who can. They keep finding more and more ways on how to release and interpret the tangle of emotions coursing through they're hearts, especially on the topic of love. Oh, love! One will be buried with all the love-based content getting churned out in the blogs alone. While that's all well and good as they're able to squeeze out their emotional/creative juices, sometimes things just get a little bit...messy.
Or that's just me being not as deep as other people.
Sometimes, I feel like the idea of "love" has become more confusing than ever. With the way love has been interpreted and expressed over and over again, it got twisted and tangled and transformed into this scary, lonely, overly complicated albeit inescapable shroud of mystery that everyone's caught up in. I'm not one to say that love is the simplest thing in the world. It's such a difficult component of life. But I can't help thinking, "Shouldn't love be a little simpler than all this?"
Whenever a person thinks about love, it starts out as this single ball of light and warmth that you cradle in your palm. Then, it bursts like the cliche firework analogy. Thousands of colors. Yehey. But with all the fanfare one can easily get caught up in the endless possibilities, and later on, consequences that love entail. After all, some of the most difficult emotions and situations to handle are intertwined with love. Problems based or related to love usually spawns out more and more problems the more you try to get out. Super fcked up. Due to the nature of love as being so addicting, other people will naturally get drawn to your love problems. Even in it's cruelest form, love still manages attract people towards you. These people now flood you with all sorts of opinions (all of which you take in without prejudice because you believe everyone's opinion has value) about your current situation. As these conflicting ideals clump up in your head, the tiny cracks of doubt you have on your own beliefs start to get pressure. You justify your beliefs, but his simply makes more sense. Hers too. And hers. And his. And theirs. Everyone's thoughts makes sense! GAHD! Without being able to do anything, the wall just crumbles and buries you, along with that single ball of light cupped in your hand.
>So what exactly are you going for with THAT one? You just showed an example of how messy love can be.
-Yeah. The total opposite of the point I'm trying to make. UGH! Fck this! Love is one big clusterfck!
Wait! No! I have to make my case! >.<
Before being overwhelmed by the sheer complexity of love, I'd like to think there's always something we can do about it. Something we can hold on to. I'd like to believe that we can always hold on to that single ball of light and focus our energy onto it. Then whatever confusing, meta-physical obstacle love throws at you, you won't get lost.
The way to do that outside of the metaphorical context is to affirm your sincerity.
Sincerity, not only towards your love interest, but towards yourself and your own feelings.
Sometimes, we get clouded by all the negativity of love that we tend to forget our own feelings, in its simplest form : without all the "but's".
"I admire her but I don't think she's too far from my reach."
"I like him but he might think I'm weird because it's the girl making the move."
"I like her but all the other guys chasing her are so much better than me."
"I love her but there's always something or someone getting in our way."
Bulllsht.
Go back the the simplest form of your feelings; go back to that single ball of light and warmth. Disregard for a moment your doubts, your fears, your insecurities. Be sincere with yourself; acknowledge your purest emotions and bask in the comfort and liberation coming from the mere acceptance of your own feelings. Once you remember the origin of your emotions, that's where you pull your purpose, courage and determination from. Whatever you need to clear through the darkness created by your own mind and the situation you're in, pull it from that single, sincere emotion that you bear. From then on, your path will become brighter, so much brighter.
It's just so saddening to see a lot of people be agonized by love. Even though I acknowledge the difficulties that this powerful emotion has chained with it, I still believe in love as being the best source of happiness in this world, in whatever form you want to experience it from. If we can only go back to the simple, yet pure, moments of happiness, then maybe we'd realize that all this clusterfck we're experiencing is worth it.
ANYWAY.
(So, ugh. I just deleted the whole block of text that used to be in here. Why am I saying so? Uhm...because I want to be...transparent? Wut? Wut?)
It's a few days away from Valentine's day, so let's try having a theme for once :
Mushroom Hats.
...
Ok, I didn't really know what I was going for with that one. But really, let's talk about love (in a less negative light) for a little bit.
I'm not the best person when it comes to creatively expressing the inner depths of my soul. I'm quite fascinated by people who can. They keep finding more and more ways on how to release and interpret the tangle of emotions coursing through they're hearts, especially on the topic of love. Oh, love! One will be buried with all the love-based content getting churned out in the blogs alone. While that's all well and good as they're able to squeeze out their emotional/creative juices, sometimes things just get a little bit...messy.
Or that's just me being not as deep as other people.
Sometimes, I feel like the idea of "love" has become more confusing than ever. With the way love has been interpreted and expressed over and over again, it got twisted and tangled and transformed into this scary, lonely, overly complicated albeit inescapable shroud of mystery that everyone's caught up in. I'm not one to say that love is the simplest thing in the world. It's such a difficult component of life. But I can't help thinking, "Shouldn't love be a little simpler than all this?"
Whenever a person thinks about love, it starts out as this single ball of light and warmth that you cradle in your palm. Then, it bursts like the cliche firework analogy. Thousands of colors. Yehey. But with all the fanfare one can easily get caught up in the endless possibilities, and later on, consequences that love entail. After all, some of the most difficult emotions and situations to handle are intertwined with love. Problems based or related to love usually spawns out more and more problems the more you try to get out. Super fcked up. Due to the nature of love as being so addicting, other people will naturally get drawn to your love problems. Even in it's cruelest form, love still manages attract people towards you. These people now flood you with all sorts of opinions (all of which you take in without prejudice because you believe everyone's opinion has value) about your current situation. As these conflicting ideals clump up in your head, the tiny cracks of doubt you have on your own beliefs start to get pressure. You justify your beliefs, but his simply makes more sense. Hers too. And hers. And his. And theirs. Everyone's thoughts makes sense! GAHD! Without being able to do anything, the wall just crumbles and buries you, along with that single ball of light cupped in your hand.
>So what exactly are you going for with THAT one? You just showed an example of how messy love can be.
-Yeah. The total opposite of the point I'm trying to make. UGH! Fck this! Love is one big clusterfck!
Wait! No! I have to make my case! >.<
Before being overwhelmed by the sheer complexity of love, I'd like to think there's always something we can do about it. Something we can hold on to. I'd like to believe that we can always hold on to that single ball of light and focus our energy onto it. Then whatever confusing, meta-physical obstacle love throws at you, you won't get lost.
The way to do that outside of the metaphorical context is to affirm your sincerity.
Sincerity, not only towards your love interest, but towards yourself and your own feelings.
Sometimes, we get clouded by all the negativity of love that we tend to forget our own feelings, in its simplest form : without all the "but's".
"I admire her but I don't think she's too far from my reach."
"I like him but he might think I'm weird because it's the girl making the move."
"I like her but all the other guys chasing her are so much better than me."
"I love her but there's always something or someone getting in our way."
Bulllsht.
Go back the the simplest form of your feelings; go back to that single ball of light and warmth. Disregard for a moment your doubts, your fears, your insecurities. Be sincere with yourself; acknowledge your purest emotions and bask in the comfort and liberation coming from the mere acceptance of your own feelings. Once you remember the origin of your emotions, that's where you pull your purpose, courage and determination from. Whatever you need to clear through the darkness created by your own mind and the situation you're in, pull it from that single, sincere emotion that you bear. From then on, your path will become brighter, so much brighter.
It's just so saddening to see a lot of people be agonized by love. Even though I acknowledge the difficulties that this powerful emotion has chained with it, I still believe in love as being the best source of happiness in this world, in whatever form you want to experience it from. If we can only go back to the simple, yet pure, moments of happiness, then maybe we'd realize that all this clusterfck we're experiencing is worth it.
Monday, January 7, 2013
To my dearest
You may have noticed something has changed in the way I interact with you. For what it's worth, I'll admit it's deliberate. I do put conscious effort in sounding more distant than I normally, truthfully, am. I intentionally dodge moments that I feel will turn to cheesy, albeit heartwarming, conversations with cool topic enders. I try my best to refrain from complementing every part of your being whenever I have a chance. I'd throw a flat sign of slight approval instead. One that even sounds like I forced it out my mouth just to make you stop from feeling bad.
Yeah, I do that now.
I'm just protecting myself. If I let myself indulge in the euphoria of spending time with you, I fear I'd lose myself again. Whenever I put my guard down, I become a slave of your presence. I can't even be the master of my own emotion. You take me from one end of the spectrum to the other. You've caused me most of my biggest heartaches, yet why is it that your slightest nudge of odd sweetness launches me to the heavens? It's not fair!
I just want to get a tight hold of myself. Lately, whenever you fill my heart with joy, a tinge of disappointment seeps in.
"Here you go again, feeling all fluttery and smiling like an idiot. Haven't you learned your lesson yet? You know in yourself that this is isn't a race, nor a marathon. Your stuck in a treadmill. You run for as long as you can, but you never really move an inch forward. Then you're calves tighten, your legs start to hurt. Eventually, you're heart gets worn out and you stop. Exhausted. Not an inch forward."
Going through this cycle makes me feel like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still an idiot, nonetheless.
So please, let me be detached, or act detached, for a little longer. By acting like it, maybe my heart will actually learn to live without needing your warmth.
Because if I'm not always on my toes... If I let up even for a second and allow even your fingertip to touch me, all my walls would crumble yet again. My very core will be in the clutches of your soft, tiny hands. And as it always has been, I'll be left bare, vulnerable, enslaved by your smile.
Yeah, I do that now.
I'm just protecting myself. If I let myself indulge in the euphoria of spending time with you, I fear I'd lose myself again. Whenever I put my guard down, I become a slave of your presence. I can't even be the master of my own emotion. You take me from one end of the spectrum to the other. You've caused me most of my biggest heartaches, yet why is it that your slightest nudge of odd sweetness launches me to the heavens? It's not fair!
I just want to get a tight hold of myself. Lately, whenever you fill my heart with joy, a tinge of disappointment seeps in.
"Here you go again, feeling all fluttery and smiling like an idiot. Haven't you learned your lesson yet? You know in yourself that this is isn't a race, nor a marathon. Your stuck in a treadmill. You run for as long as you can, but you never really move an inch forward. Then you're calves tighten, your legs start to hurt. Eventually, you're heart gets worn out and you stop. Exhausted. Not an inch forward."
Going through this cycle makes me feel like an idiot. A happy idiot, but still an idiot, nonetheless.
So please, let me be detached, or act detached, for a little longer. By acting like it, maybe my heart will actually learn to live without needing your warmth.
Because if I'm not always on my toes... If I let up even for a second and allow even your fingertip to touch me, all my walls would crumble yet again. My very core will be in the clutches of your soft, tiny hands. And as it always has been, I'll be left bare, vulnerable, enslaved by your smile.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
I saw her again today.
And she was beautiful as ever.
So I just got home from my very first anime convention. (Yahoo, finally!) I've been a fan of various anime and manga series for so many years now and it's only today that I get to be in an actual anime convention. I totally missed out on a lot of things. But no, I'm not gonna talk about the convention itself. That can be summarized in a few words, really. Anime. Cosplayers. Merchs. Auction. Humans. Everywhere.
But there's a particular part of the convention that really caught my eye : the doujin group area. You give them a certain amount and they sketch (and/or color, depending on how much you gave) a drawing for you. All you need is a reference picture and you're good to go. Pretty neat! And they're all soooooooo good. Damn, I get shivers when I watch them. Their ability to "create" is humbling. Customers usually present pictures of their favorite anime character and have them drawn out, but I had another thing in mind.
I had to make them draw Amy.
Amy's the female protagonist of this Visual Novel entitled "Lifelines" that me and my friend's been trying to lift off from the ground for some time. We've tried working on it almost full time last summer but we didn't quite make the cut. Neither of us were really artists so the graphics part was also a problem. We did, however, receive some concept art for Amy from my partner's friend, which were fantastic! I still remember the first time I saw them. The joy and excitement of seeing something that basically came from your head drawn and colored in real paper was overwhelming. After that, summer ended and we never really got to focus on Lifelines again.
I always thought, and still think, that majority of the blame why we're not achieving milestones on this project is me. Not that we're supposed to be blaming. (Blaming sounds like a really negative word, by the way.) It's just that I'm the one who pitched in the idea for story's initial concept and I'm supposed to be mainly in charge of the script. Up until now, I've only got bits and pieces of the story in my head. They're just always replaying on my head again and again and again. But at the end of the day, I've only got a few rough drafts penned down. Just thinking and thinking about it, but not actually getting it written down. It's always been like this for me and it's really disappointing. Along the way, my guts to actually continue this kind of just...faded away, I guess.
But when the artist finished her sketch of Amy and I got a good look at it, my heart just welled up with surreal happiness. It's very same excitement that I felt back when we received the very first concept art of Amy. Then in an instant, a tinge of shame crept in. Shame due to the fact that I'm actually overjoyed by someone else's work when I feel like I haven't done mine.
As of right now, Amy is nowhere near complete. But I'd be damned if I don't finish her and this whole project. I've become really attached to Amy, Max (the male protagonist) and everyone else in Lifelines (ok, not all of them. i'm not even sure of some them yet). Even though they're just pieces of my imagination, I feel the responsibility of bringing them to life. They all deserve to be molded into the amazing characters they're meant to be. Who knows how long this flame will burn and how it'll get rekindled when it dies down, but what's the use of worrying. I'll just keeping building Amy and the rest of the gang, one word at a time.
So I just got home from my very first anime convention. (Yahoo, finally!) I've been a fan of various anime and manga series for so many years now and it's only today that I get to be in an actual anime convention. I totally missed out on a lot of things. But no, I'm not gonna talk about the convention itself. That can be summarized in a few words, really. Anime. Cosplayers. Merchs. Auction. Humans. Everywhere.
But there's a particular part of the convention that really caught my eye : the doujin group area. You give them a certain amount and they sketch (and/or color, depending on how much you gave) a drawing for you. All you need is a reference picture and you're good to go. Pretty neat! And they're all soooooooo good. Damn, I get shivers when I watch them. Their ability to "create" is humbling. Customers usually present pictures of their favorite anime character and have them drawn out, but I had another thing in mind.
I had to make them draw Amy.
Amy's the female protagonist of this Visual Novel entitled "Lifelines" that me and my friend's been trying to lift off from the ground for some time. We've tried working on it almost full time last summer but we didn't quite make the cut. Neither of us were really artists so the graphics part was also a problem. We did, however, receive some concept art for Amy from my partner's friend, which were fantastic! I still remember the first time I saw them. The joy and excitement of seeing something that basically came from your head drawn and colored in real paper was overwhelming. After that, summer ended and we never really got to focus on Lifelines again.
I always thought, and still think, that majority of the blame why we're not achieving milestones on this project is me. Not that we're supposed to be blaming. (Blaming sounds like a really negative word, by the way.) It's just that I'm the one who pitched in the idea for story's initial concept and I'm supposed to be mainly in charge of the script. Up until now, I've only got bits and pieces of the story in my head. They're just always replaying on my head again and again and again. But at the end of the day, I've only got a few rough drafts penned down. Just thinking and thinking about it, but not actually getting it written down. It's always been like this for me and it's really disappointing. Along the way, my guts to actually continue this kind of just...faded away, I guess.
But when the artist finished her sketch of Amy and I got a good look at it, my heart just welled up with surreal happiness. It's very same excitement that I felt back when we received the very first concept art of Amy. Then in an instant, a tinge of shame crept in. Shame due to the fact that I'm actually overjoyed by someone else's work when I feel like I haven't done mine.
As of right now, Amy is nowhere near complete. But I'd be damned if I don't finish her and this whole project. I've become really attached to Amy, Max (the male protagonist) and everyone else in Lifelines (ok, not all of them. i'm not even sure of some them yet). Even though they're just pieces of my imagination, I feel the responsibility of bringing them to life. They all deserve to be molded into the amazing characters they're meant to be. Who knows how long this flame will burn and how it'll get rekindled when it dies down, but what's the use of worrying. I'll just keeping building Amy and the rest of the gang, one word at a time.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Vloggity
What the fck is a "vloggity"?
I don't know either.
But the idea of having vlog has been circling my head for some time now. Maybe I'm just bored. It's just that I've started watching a few vlog channels during this break and it seemed really fun. They talk about random stuff about their day which compile to an oddly entertaining video. Most of them do have legit content channels and videos, so the vlogs reflect how they're shooting these said content. Good stuff.
Though maintaining a vlog will get old really fast for me. Heck, I can't even maintain a steady stream of content in this blog. How will I maintain a steady content on the vlog? Besides, vlogs are for people who actually do something "fun" in their everyday lives. I won't say my currently lifestyle is something "vlog-worthy".
Maybe I'm just being hooked with all these independently-made content on YouTube. Making those videos must be so much fun. I can just imagine myself talking and acting in some (ok, most) of the videos. Aaaahh, that would be awesome. I just feel like making videos and/or being on them would totally be in my element. Then you get to interact with loving fans and collaborate with other YouTubers and all the cool sht. However, I'm still aware of hard work that gets pumped in each video. You don't go famous overnight. They do dedicate much of their time just to push out the videos every week or every day. Some even quitting their day jobs. (Mainly because YouTube has become their main source of income. How awesome is that?) Plus, you'll be dealing with the whole internet and all it's hateful citizens. I probably won't last long with all the bashing and flaming.
Plus, I won't be able to curse on video! Then the whole family would know that I cuss. Fluently. Oh, I can just imagine the kind of talk and emails I'd get from everyone hahahaha.
I don't know either.
But the idea of having vlog has been circling my head for some time now. Maybe I'm just bored. It's just that I've started watching a few vlog channels during this break and it seemed really fun. They talk about random stuff about their day which compile to an oddly entertaining video. Most of them do have legit content channels and videos, so the vlogs reflect how they're shooting these said content. Good stuff.
Though maintaining a vlog will get old really fast for me. Heck, I can't even maintain a steady stream of content in this blog. How will I maintain a steady content on the vlog? Besides, vlogs are for people who actually do something "fun" in their everyday lives. I won't say my currently lifestyle is something "vlog-worthy".
Maybe I'm just being hooked with all these independently-made content on YouTube. Making those videos must be so much fun. I can just imagine myself talking and acting in some (ok, most) of the videos. Aaaahh, that would be awesome. I just feel like making videos and/or being on them would totally be in my element. Then you get to interact with loving fans and collaborate with other YouTubers and all the cool sht. However, I'm still aware of hard work that gets pumped in each video. You don't go famous overnight. They do dedicate much of their time just to push out the videos every week or every day. Some even quitting their day jobs. (Mainly because YouTube has become their main source of income. How awesome is that?) Plus, you'll be dealing with the whole internet and all it's hateful citizens. I probably won't last long with all the bashing and flaming.
Plus, I won't be able to curse on video! Then the whole family would know that I cuss. Fluently. Oh, I can just imagine the kind of talk and emails I'd get from everyone hahahaha.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
For a lack of other outlets...
...oh boy, here we go.
I'm starting to be in a position where my every move will cause ripples of unknown magnitude. It's scary stepping up to that spot, but I truly believe I have to be there. I just pray that I won't be so caught up on this. Sometimes I tend to be too immersed, which is exactly why I've held back on being involved for some time. But this time, I'd rather get on the train than be a simple bystander.
I'm starting to be in a position where my every move will cause ripples of unknown magnitude. It's scary stepping up to that spot, but I truly believe I have to be there. I just pray that I won't be so caught up on this. Sometimes I tend to be too immersed, which is exactly why I've held back on being involved for some time. But this time, I'd rather get on the train than be a simple bystander.
Scatterbrain 2
I've got a bunch of things stocked up in my head (or at least I'd like to think so. we'll see. XD) and making a post about each one of them would be time-consuming. So I'll just dump and lump them all together in another Scatterbrain post! (TADA! *cue music*) This post will mostly encompass the events that happened over this week. So...yeah. Let's do it!
1. I'm really really really proud of my friends. They've accomplished such a feat and they deserve the glory and praise they're getting. But as the cliche phrase goes, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow it creates. I feel like a bad person for harboring negative feelings about the whole event. Ok, just to clarify. I'm not harboring negative feelings toward them. I just feel like I'm getting left behind in this whole "life" thing. They're all moving forward and excelling in what we do. And then there's me, seemingly stuck in that spot as I watch their backs get smaller and smaller from my perspective. It frustrates me that I'm not making any significant strides in what I chose to do.
1. I'm really really really proud of my friends. They've accomplished such a feat and they deserve the glory and praise they're getting. But as the cliche phrase goes, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow it creates. I feel like a bad person for harboring negative feelings about the whole event. Ok, just to clarify. I'm not harboring negative feelings toward them. I just feel like I'm getting left behind in this whole "life" thing. They're all moving forward and excelling in what we do. And then there's me, seemingly stuck in that spot as I watch their backs get smaller and smaller from my perspective. It frustrates me that I'm not making any significant strides in what I chose to do.
2. It's so refreshing to see you being assertive. And because of that, things are finally picking up speed for both of you. You look so good together. Ask anyone we know, they'd say the same thing. We're all rooting for you. Oh, but don't feel pressured. We're all just excited (or at least I am) for you two. :D
3. I feel good about this week. Maybe because I've accomplished all the things I needed to do before the break. All the plans I had, I was able to pull them off (most of them). I'd like to think I made good decisions this week, whether it be the ones that I've pondered about for some time or the ones that I made right there and then. I stand by everything that I did. Of course, it's not all fun and games. I've had my fair share of hardships and misfortune, but it just makes everything else sparkle brighter.
4. I understand the feeling of not being able to say the words cramped up in your chest. The feeling of desperation when no one's there to sincerely listen without judging. I get it. That's why I want to listen to people. I want them to feel that there's someone they can trust their deepest feelings with. I want to lighten their burden somehow. I care deeply for the people around me. I hope in my littlest of ways, you can feel that.
5. Why do you like taking pictures that tease mo so much! GAHD! You just keep getting hotter and hotter! Back when we were still in high school and now that we're in college...HOT DAMN!
6. I'm so glad we're beginning to be close. One of my goals before was actually to be good friends with you and I'm really happy to see it becoming a reality. I always knew you make a good friend and I was not wrong. Please know that you are an amazing person and I love your company. Thanks! Never hesitate to approach me for anything. I'll support you to the best of my abilities.
7. Spending time with you guys may have been one of the best decisions I've made so far. I'll admit, I was intimidated before so I can't bring myself to hang out with you. You guys seemed so tight that there's no more space for me to squeeze myself in. Thank you for proving me wrong.
8. I'm greatly disappointed in you. I really hope you pull yourself together. Don't be like this. Things are becoming more and more hostile. Please grow a pair and accept the fact right in front of your face. I know it's not easy, but come on man. She deserves better than this, and you know it.
9. I wanted to see you so bad. I still do. Hurr, if I wasn't too tired that day, I would've pushed through, but hurr. I hope I'll get to see you before this year ends.
10. Theater workshop was concluded a couple of weeks ago. What an experience it has been. I've learned so much, not just in acting, but in life as a whole. I'll deeply miss my co-participants. Just when we were starting to be close, it all ended. Man...
11. I'll miss holding your hand. Your soft, tiny hands. I've become accustomed to your touch and warmth. It was hard to let go. I wish I could have hugged you for one last time. Not an on-stage hug. A real, warm hug.
12. Changes are coming. I can feel it! It's not yet New Year's eve, I know. We don't even know if we're gonna make it to 2013. (And no, I don't believe in the December 21 B.S. hahaha) But meh! A new year, a new energy. Hopefully, this coming year will be an even bigger blast!
13. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, DEAR READER!
14. (and for those who don't celebrate Christmas) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
15. (and for those who don't feel the holiday spirit) ...suit your effing selves. :))
Friday, December 14, 2012
OVERWHELMED
I've pretty much abandoned the blog for a few weeks now due to laziness several relevant and totally acceptable reasons, but now I come back...OVERWHELMED.
Today marks the end of my last 2012 school week. I've simply pushed through this week, eyes dead straight on the break, not stopping to look. But now that I've come home, sitting comfortably in my couch, the fact that this week has been one of the craziest weeks in my immediate memory sinks in. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED I JUST CAN"T CONTAIN IT ALL HENCE THIS POST HURRRRR GRAAAAAAH!!!
I'll collect myself first and write all about it (this'll be a long-ass post, i'm sure) in a while.
Today marks the end of my last 2012 school week. I've simply pushed through this week, eyes dead straight on the break, not stopping to look. But now that I've come home, sitting comfortably in my couch, the fact that this week has been one of the craziest weeks in my immediate memory sinks in. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED I JUST CAN"T CONTAIN IT ALL HENCE THIS POST HURRRRR GRAAAAAAH!!!
I'll collect myself first and write all about it (this'll be a long-ass post, i'm sure) in a while.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Countertext
It's one of the terms from the workshop that really stuck in my head. Not because it's a concept that's entirely new to me. I know I've been doing it from time to time. Everyone does. But actually knowing the formal term for an idea, concept or action has a great impact on me. For one thing, it establishes that fact that it actually exists. You get to expand your perception of the concept from others that're familiar with it. After some time, you'll be able to tell if someone is using said idea.
Saying something when you actually mean or feel the opposite.
I might have been hiding in the temporary comfort of countertext to run away from certain emotions I'd rather not have. I've tried using silence for some time, but I noticed it's affecting how interact with other people that's not, in any way, concerned. They might be thinking I'm being a snob or a jerk. I wouldn't want them to think I hate them. I don't. If anything, I need them to distract me from all this more than ever.
Silence also lets me dwell on the problem and inevitably blow it up to unreasonable proportions in my head, which is always a bad thing. If I verbalize that everything's ok and that I'm psyched for the current development, I get people to believe that I'm happy -- I get to delude myself that I'm happy.
When everything's going so perfectly for other people, you simply can't come flat out and say, "Hey, your happiness is really hurting me." Everyone deserves to be happy, and I for one will not intentionally ruin anyone's happiness, or at least try my best not to do so.
Being destructive won't get me anywhere, anyway. I'd rather support than destroy. I'd rather hide in countertext than run my mouth and make everything complicated for everyone. I don't want to be an unnecessary worry.
So cheers to you guys! You are awesome people deserving of the things you have and will have. Just go for it, both of you! Hahaha! I wish you the best of luck. I'm so happy for you! :)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I Simply Love My Friends!
I just can't contain it right now. I have this group of friends called Julie and Company. We all met during the final formal dinner of our dormitory during our freshmen year. It was PURE COINCIDENCE that our little group met. I didn't even want to go to that formal dinner. I was forced by a certain urge called hunger. (It was free, anyway!) Frankly, I wasn't close with my dormmates. I never made close friends during my 1 year stay in the dormitory. That made a dilemma for me during the formal dinner. I was late and since I wasn't part of any group or such, finding a table where I'd spend the night proved to be difficult. Thank goodness one of my acquaintances found me before I came in and asked if I had a table. I immediately said I didn't. Being the good guy that he is, he invited me to their table.
There was a beautiful girl in sitting on that table. She immediately captured my attention from the moment I saw her as I walked towards the table. I really wanted to be close to that girl so I shook off all my nervousness and sheer awkwardness and tried blending in to the group. I didn't have anything to lose. We were all leaving the dormitory in less than a month anyway. After a whole night of eating, talking, acting silly and partying, we all became friends. We walked away from the party hall together, sat down on the floor and chatted until the guard broke us up. We promised ourselves we won't forget each other the next day. We frantically repeated each other's names just so we would remember (I was particularly worried about the "remembering" part. I've never been good with names.)
Days later, I would discover that most people in that table were never close friends to begin with. Some were already friends, but most of them were simply acquaintances. We were all simply trying to fit in to a group that was practically made up of strangers.
We hung out everyday during the final days of our stay in the dormitory. We would eat together during lunch and dinner, get together during free breaks and talk the night away until we hear the curfew bell. We all felt that we met each other too late. Making up for a whole year of not knowing each other in just barely a month proved to be tough, but ever since that party, each day in the dormitory became something I looked forward to.
It's been around 2 years since we all met. We rarely see each other now. Only when it's someone's birthday or it's the end of the semester. The Facebook group's the only thing keeping us connected for the most part. But until now, I can still feel the warmth we had on our first night. It's such an amazing feat for such a rag-tag group like us in my opinion.
It was my birthday early this week so it was our cue to once again unite. Two of them (the previously mentioned "beautiful girl" and her very close friend) organized a gift to give me. It's a box packed with 365 messages from them, one for each day. It was actually a gift idea I wanted to give a certain somebody for her birthday but never got to do it. They said since I wasn't able to do it for her, they did it for me instead. Such awesome people!
I feel like I haven't thanked them enough yet (even though I've said it like a thousand times already). I really wish we'd continue growing as a group despite such a whacked up set up. I really love these people. <3
There was a beautiful girl in sitting on that table. She immediately captured my attention from the moment I saw her as I walked towards the table. I really wanted to be close to that girl so I shook off all my nervousness and sheer awkwardness and tried blending in to the group. I didn't have anything to lose. We were all leaving the dormitory in less than a month anyway. After a whole night of eating, talking, acting silly and partying, we all became friends. We walked away from the party hall together, sat down on the floor and chatted until the guard broke us up. We promised ourselves we won't forget each other the next day. We frantically repeated each other's names just so we would remember (I was particularly worried about the "remembering" part. I've never been good with names.)
Days later, I would discover that most people in that table were never close friends to begin with. Some were already friends, but most of them were simply acquaintances. We were all simply trying to fit in to a group that was practically made up of strangers.
We hung out everyday during the final days of our stay in the dormitory. We would eat together during lunch and dinner, get together during free breaks and talk the night away until we hear the curfew bell. We all felt that we met each other too late. Making up for a whole year of not knowing each other in just barely a month proved to be tough, but ever since that party, each day in the dormitory became something I looked forward to.
It's been around 2 years since we all met. We rarely see each other now. Only when it's someone's birthday or it's the end of the semester. The Facebook group's the only thing keeping us connected for the most part. But until now, I can still feel the warmth we had on our first night. It's such an amazing feat for such a rag-tag group like us in my opinion.
It was my birthday early this week so it was our cue to once again unite. Two of them (the previously mentioned "beautiful girl" and her very close friend) organized a gift to give me. It's a box packed with 365 messages from them, one for each day. It was actually a gift idea I wanted to give a certain somebody for her birthday but never got to do it. They said since I wasn't able to do it for her, they did it for me instead. Such awesome people!
I feel like I haven't thanked them enough yet (even though I've said it like a thousand times already). I really wish we'd continue growing as a group despite such a whacked up set up. I really love these people. <3
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
It's been a while.
Psh. A few days short of a week can be barely called "a while". Guess I've been writing here too much that it seems like it's been such a long time since I've written anything here. There's a number of reasons why that's happening (though as always, I'm not even sure myself hahaha)
Maybe it's because somewhere in the back of my head, I'm unconsciously upholding that "promise" I made when I said I want to write about the things that actually matter and about the things that I've given much thought about. There's also something about lessening those random bursts of emotion thrown in the mix. I felt the blog was getting really whiny, so I tried steering away from those kind of posts. The stuff I've been encountering and feeling for the past couple of days were basically just duplicates of the things I've already written about here. Mere reiterations. If I write about them again, I'll just feel like I'm pathetically whining.
Another reason is, well, a reason I can't really elaborate on. Hahahaha, I'm so sorry. Just certain stuff. I know I said I'd continue using this blog, but I can't help but hold back. Especially when the emotions fueling those would-be posts are so...inappropriate. It's so unfair for you. I don't want to dwell on those things cause I'm afraid it'd spark up unnecessary worry. Then unnecessary conflict. I'm sorry for holding back. For always holding back recently. I can't help it. I feel scared.
Another good guess ties up neatly with the second one. I want to banish those inappropriate emotions. And one such method that I know is by not thinking about it, much less blog about it. It's the total opposite of what I used to do. I always wanted to release. To dwell on it, then cast it all away from the bottom up. It just feels so rough having to go through all that. I'm tired of it. I just want to skim over it and be done with it. I want to try distracting myself away fromyou these inappropriate feelings.
Lastly, I just want to remain happy during November and December. Or at least, seemingly happy. Not that I'm not. I really am. I just feel like blogging about something sad would tarnish the general mood that I want to create.
It's just tiring bottling it all up. And feeling restrained in my own blog is really frustrating. Well, whatever. This serves as the hole where the steam of bad vibes can escape. Good vibes, come to me! Good vibes! Good viiiiiibes! :D
Maybe it's because somewhere in the back of my head, I'm unconsciously upholding that "promise" I made when I said I want to write about the things that actually matter and about the things that I've given much thought about. There's also something about lessening those random bursts of emotion thrown in the mix. I felt the blog was getting really whiny, so I tried steering away from those kind of posts. The stuff I've been encountering and feeling for the past couple of days were basically just duplicates of the things I've already written about here. Mere reiterations. If I write about them again, I'll just feel like I'm pathetically whining.
Another reason is, well, a reason I can't really elaborate on. Hahahaha, I'm so sorry. Just certain stuff. I know I said I'd continue using this blog, but I can't help but hold back. Especially when the emotions fueling those would-be posts are so...inappropriate. It's so unfair for you. I don't want to dwell on those things cause I'm afraid it'd spark up unnecessary worry. Then unnecessary conflict. I'm sorry for holding back. For always holding back recently. I can't help it. I feel scared.
Another good guess ties up neatly with the second one. I want to banish those inappropriate emotions. And one such method that I know is by not thinking about it, much less blog about it. It's the total opposite of what I used to do. I always wanted to release. To dwell on it, then cast it all away from the bottom up. It just feels so rough having to go through all that. I'm tired of it. I just want to skim over it and be done with it. I want to try distracting myself away from
Lastly, I just want to remain happy during November and December. Or at least, seemingly happy. Not that I'm not. I really am. I just feel like blogging about something sad would tarnish the general mood that I want to create.
It's just tiring bottling it all up. And feeling restrained in my own blog is really frustrating. Well, whatever. This serves as the hole where the steam of bad vibes can escape. Good vibes, come to me! Good vibes! Good viiiiiibes! :D
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Here Comes November!
I've liked the year-end duo of November and December over the other months of the year for as long as I can remember. November's my birth month so I can't help getting excited about it (shallow person is shallow). Not that anything grand happens on my birthday. I just like it and stuff. Even after my birthday, the good vibes continues on to the rest of the month with the thought of Christmastime coming in just a few weeks.
This year's October has been a wild, wild ride with so many highs and lows that I don't know how to classify the month as a whole. Even the end of this October is so bittersweet. But since it's already November, I'll just concentrate myself at the "sweet" part of it.
A promise of reconciliation. The warmth of new connections. The journey for self-improvement. And the start of a new semester.
I just baked muffins for the family (yes, muffins are my thing now. or at least until i finish all of my instant muffin mixes) and currently eating sinigang (that i love so deeply) with some ice cold coke (it matters). Being shallow has its perks.
It's a good start. Here's to a great November, everyone!
This year's October has been a wild, wild ride with so many highs and lows that I don't know how to classify the month as a whole. Even the end of this October is so bittersweet. But since it's already November, I'll just concentrate myself at the "sweet" part of it.
A promise of reconciliation. The warmth of new connections. The journey for self-improvement. And the start of a new semester.
I just baked muffins for the family (yes, muffins are my thing now. or at least until i finish all of my instant muffin mixes) and currently eating sinigang (that i love so deeply) with some ice cold coke (it matters). Being shallow has its perks.
It's a good start. Here's to a great November, everyone!
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