Forcibly Gulping Down a Positivity Pill

I was about to write something awfully miserable today. Another one of those rant posts with little to no coherence. The kind of post I don't actually think about. Just type and type and type. I don't even bother to rearrange the sentences or correct lines that may come across differently than how I would want it.

I wanted to write how sad I am today; how insignificant I feel; how hurt I am at the fact that I won't be able to be anyone special in her eyes. I wanted to release all the jealousy that consumed me today.

But you know what, I'm not gonna write about it.

I've gone through enough of this...mood swings(?) to know that it will pass after a day or two. I don't want to spontaneously write about it because I'm sure these feelings are very much temporary and not significant enough to be written about here. I may not be able to follow this that much in the future, but as much as possible, I want to write blog entries about things that I actually think or feel deeply about. About things that matter to me as person.

Don't misunderstand, though. I'm pretty fcked up right now, that's for sure. But I think outbursts of misery like the one I'm having right now, no matter how potent, will surely lose its effect without even me noticing. As such, I don't want to put so much thought in to it anymore. The more I circle around my thoughts, the harder it is to get out of such petty problems. I've come to accept that I'm an insecure and jealous person in general, so I try to work around it as much as possible. When I get episodes of negativity, I force myself to be as objective about it as I can be so as to avoid unnecessary promises and irreparable damages.

Writing about it like this also helps. It pulls me apart from the emotional hell hole and lets me think about things a little differently. I've noticed that when I do understand fully the experience I blog about, I rarely need to stop and think. It comes out naturally. Internal discussions with regards to my opinions (yes, I do discuss my opinions with myself. i argue a lot with myself, really.) don't take too long. If the words don't fire out as quickly, I know something's wrong. When that difficulty on finding the next word or sentence to type comes up, I stop and regroup. Then I start to realize, "Maybe I'm not that sad." or "These thoughts are actually pretty stupid." or "You're a moron for thinking like that, Justin.". Then I Select All + Backspace the whole thing (which is just unfinished paragraph at that point) and write something of this sort instead.

Huh.

After typing all that, I actually feel a little lighter. Forcibly gulping down a positivity pill does work. The ability to forcibly purge oneself from misery is something all of us should have, in my opinion. There will be times when no one else is there to hold you or listen to you. In those times, you'll be stuck alone with your lonely self. Unless you can squirm yourself out, you'll simply rot away in your own tears.