I saw her again today.

And she was beautiful as ever.


So I just got home from my very first anime convention. (Yahoo, finally!) I've been a fan of various anime and manga series for so many years now and it's only today that I get to be in an actual anime convention. I totally missed out on a lot of things. But no, I'm not gonna talk about the convention itself. That can be summarized in a few words, really. Anime. Cosplayers. Merchs. Auction. Humans. Everywhere.

But there's a particular part of the convention that really caught my eye : the doujin group area. You give them a certain amount and they sketch (and/or color, depending on how much you gave) a drawing for you. All you need is a reference picture and you're good to go. Pretty neat! And they're all soooooooo good. Damn, I get shivers when I watch them. Their ability to "create" is humbling. Customers usually present pictures of their favorite anime character and have them drawn out, but I had another thing in mind.

I had to make them draw Amy.

Amy's the female protagonist of this Visual Novel entitled "Lifelines" that me and my friend's been trying to lift off from the ground for some time. We've tried working on it almost full time last summer but we didn't quite make the cut. Neither of us were really artists so the graphics part was also a problem. We did, however, receive some concept art  for Amy from my partner's friend, which were fantastic! I still remember the first time I saw them. The joy and excitement of seeing something that basically came from your head drawn and colored in real paper was overwhelming. After that, summer ended and we never really got to focus on Lifelines again.

I always thought, and still think, that majority of the blame why we're not achieving milestones on this project is me. Not that we're supposed to be blaming. (Blaming sounds like a really negative word, by the way.) It's just that I'm the one who pitched in the idea for story's initial concept and I'm supposed to be mainly in charge of the script. Up until now, I've only got bits and pieces of the story in my head. They're just always replaying on my head again and again and again. But at the end of the day, I've only got a few rough drafts penned down. Just thinking and thinking about it, but not actually getting it written down. It's always been like this for me and it's really disappointing. Along the way, my guts to actually continue this kind of just...faded away, I guess.

But when the artist finished her sketch of Amy and I got a good look at it, my heart just welled up with surreal happiness. It's very same excitement that I felt back when we received the very first concept art of Amy. Then in an instant, a tinge of shame crept in. Shame due to the fact that I'm actually overjoyed by someone else's work when I feel like I haven't done mine.

As of right now, Amy is nowhere near complete. But I'd be damned if I don't finish her and this whole project. I've become really attached to Amy, Max (the male protagonist) and everyone else in Lifelines (ok, not all of them. i'm not even sure of some them yet). Even though they're just pieces of my imagination, I feel the responsibility of bringing them to life. They all deserve to be molded into the amazing characters they're meant to be. Who knows how long this flame will burn and how it'll get rekindled when it dies down, but what's the use of worrying. I'll just keeping building Amy and the rest of the gang, one word at a time.

Vloggity

What the fck is a "vloggity"?

I don't know either.

But the idea of having vlog has been circling my head for some time now. Maybe I'm just bored. It's just that I've started watching a few vlog channels during this break and it seemed really fun. They talk about random stuff about their day which compile to an oddly entertaining video. Most of them do have legit content channels and videos, so the vlogs reflect how they're shooting these said content. Good stuff.

Though maintaining a vlog will get old really fast for me. Heck, I can't even maintain a steady stream of content in this blog. How will I maintain a steady content on the vlog? Besides, vlogs are for people who actually do something "fun" in their everyday lives. I won't say my currently lifestyle is something "vlog-worthy".

Maybe I'm just being hooked with all these independently-made content on YouTube. Making those videos must be so much fun. I can just imagine myself talking and acting in some (ok, most) of the videos. Aaaahh, that would be awesome. I just feel like making videos and/or being on them would totally be in my element. Then you get to interact with loving fans and collaborate with other YouTubers and all the cool sht. However, I'm still aware of hard work that gets pumped in each video. You don't go famous overnight. They do dedicate much of their time just to push out the videos every week or every day. Some even quitting their day jobs. (Mainly because YouTube has become their main source of income. How awesome is that?) Plus, you'll be dealing with the whole internet and all it's hateful citizens. I probably won't last long with all the bashing and flaming.

Plus, I won't be able to curse on video! Then the whole family would know that I cuss. Fluently. Oh, I can just imagine the kind of talk and emails I'd get from everyone hahahaha.

For a lack of other outlets...

...oh boy, here we go.

I'm starting to be in a position where my every move will cause ripples of unknown magnitude. It's scary stepping up to that spot, but I truly believe I have to be there. I just pray that I won't be so caught up on this. Sometimes I tend to be too immersed, which is exactly why I've held back on being involved for some time. But this time, I'd rather get on the train than be a simple bystander.

Scatterbrain 2

I've got a bunch of things stocked up in my head (or at least I'd like to think so. we'll see. XD) and making a post about each one of them would be time-consuming. So I'll just dump and lump them all together in another Scatterbrain post! (TADA! *cue music*) This post will mostly encompass the events that happened over this week. So...yeah. Let's do it!

1. I'm really really really proud of my friends. They've accomplished such a feat and they deserve the glory and praise they're getting. But as the cliche phrase goes, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow it creates. I feel like a bad person for harboring negative feelings about the whole event. Ok, just to clarify. I'm not harboring negative feelings toward them. I just feel like I'm getting left behind in this whole "life" thing. They're all moving forward and excelling in what we do. And then there's me, seemingly stuck in that spot as I watch their backs get smaller and smaller from my perspective. It frustrates me that I'm not making any significant strides in what I chose to do.

2. It's so refreshing to see you being assertive. And because of that, things are finally picking up speed for both of you. You look so good together. Ask anyone we know, they'd say the same thing. We're all rooting for you. Oh, but don't feel pressured. We're all just excited (or at least I am) for you two. :D

3. I feel good about this week. Maybe because I've accomplished all the things I needed to do before the break. All the plans I had, I was able to pull them off (most of them). I'd like to think I made good decisions this week, whether it be the ones that I've pondered about for some time or the ones that I made right there and then. I stand by everything that I did. Of course, it's not all fun and games. I've had my fair share of hardships and misfortune, but it just makes everything else sparkle brighter.

4. I understand the feeling of not being able to say the words cramped up in your chest. The feeling of desperation when no one's there to sincerely listen without judging. I get it. That's why I want to listen to people. I want them to feel that there's someone they can trust their deepest feelings with. I want to lighten their burden somehow. I care deeply for the people around me. I hope in my littlest of ways, you can feel that.

5. Why do you like taking pictures that tease mo so much! GAHD! You just keep getting hotter and hotter! Back when we were still in high school and now that we're in college...HOT DAMN!

6. I'm so glad we're beginning to be close. One of my goals before was actually to be good friends with you and I'm really happy to see it becoming a reality. I always knew you make a good friend and I was not wrong. Please know that you are an amazing person and I love your company. Thanks! Never hesitate to approach me for anything. I'll support you to the best of my abilities.

7. Spending time with you guys may have been one of the best decisions I've made so far. I'll admit, I was intimidated before so I can't bring myself to hang out with you. You guys seemed so tight that there's no more space for me to squeeze myself in. Thank you for proving me wrong.

8. I'm greatly disappointed in you. I really hope you pull yourself together. Don't be like this. Things are becoming more and more hostile. Please grow a pair and accept the fact right in front of your face. I know it's not easy, but come on man. She deserves better than this, and you know it.

9. I wanted to see you so bad. I still do. Hurr, if I wasn't too tired that day, I would've pushed through, but hurr. I hope I'll get to see you before this year ends.

10. Theater workshop was concluded a couple of weeks ago. What an experience it has been. I've learned so much, not just in acting, but in life as a whole. I'll deeply miss my co-participants. Just when we were starting to be close, it all ended. Man...

11. I'll miss holding your hand. Your soft, tiny hands. I've become accustomed to your touch and warmth. It was hard to let go. I wish I could have hugged you for one last time. Not an on-stage hug. A real, warm hug.

12. Changes are coming. I can feel it! It's not yet New Year's eve, I know. We don't even know if we're gonna make it to 2013. (And no, I don't believe in the December 21 B.S. hahaha) But meh! A new year, a new energy. Hopefully, this coming year will be an even bigger blast!

13. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, DEAR READER!

14. (and for those who don't celebrate Christmas) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

15. (and for those who don't feel the holiday spirit) ...suit your effing selves. :))

OVERWHELMED

I've pretty much abandoned the blog for a few weeks now due to laziness several relevant and totally acceptable reasons, but now I come back...OVERWHELMED.

Today marks the end of my last 2012 school week. I've simply pushed through this week, eyes dead straight on the break, not stopping to look. But now that I've come home, sitting comfortably in my couch, the fact that this week has been one of the craziest weeks in my immediate memory sinks in. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED I JUST CAN"T CONTAIN IT ALL HENCE THIS POST HURRRRR GRAAAAAAH!!!

I'll collect myself first and write all about it (this'll be a long-ass post, i'm sure) in a while.

Countertext

It's one of the terms from the workshop that really stuck in my head. Not because it's a concept that's entirely new to me. I know I've been doing it from time to time. Everyone does. But actually knowing the formal term for an idea, concept or action has a great impact on me. For one thing, it establishes that fact that it actually exists. You get to expand your perception of the concept from others that're familiar with it. After some time, you'll be able to tell if someone is using said idea.

Saying something when you actually mean or feel the opposite.

(or at least, that's how i understand it)

I might have been hiding in the temporary comfort of countertext to run away from certain emotions I'd rather not have. I've tried using silence for some time, but I noticed it's affecting how interact with other people that's not, in any way, concerned. They might be thinking I'm being a snob or a jerk. I wouldn't want them to think I hate them. I don't. If anything, I need them to distract me from all this more than ever.

Silence also lets me dwell on the problem and inevitably blow it up to unreasonable proportions in my head, which is always a bad thing. If I verbalize that everything's ok and that I'm psyched for the current development, I get people to believe that I'm happy -- I get to delude myself that I'm happy.

When everything's going so perfectly for other people, you simply can't come flat out and say, "Hey, your happiness is really hurting me." Everyone deserves to be happy, and I for one will not intentionally ruin anyone's happiness, or at least try my best not to do so.

Being destructive won't get me anywhere, anyway. I'd rather support than destroy. I'd rather hide in countertext than run my mouth and make everything complicated for everyone. I don't want to be an unnecessary worry.



So cheers to you guys! You are awesome people deserving of the things you have and will have. Just go for it, both of you! Hahaha! I wish you the best of luck. I'm so happy for you! :)

I Simply Love My Friends!

I just can't contain it right now. I have this group of friends called Julie and Company. We all met during the final formal dinner of our dormitory during our freshmen year. It was PURE COINCIDENCE that our little group met. I didn't even want to go to that formal dinner. I was forced by a certain urge called hunger. (It was free, anyway!) Frankly, I wasn't close with my dormmates. I never made close friends during my 1 year stay in the dormitory. That made a dilemma for me during the formal dinner. I was late and since I wasn't part of any group or such, finding a table where I'd spend the night proved to be difficult. Thank goodness one of my acquaintances found me before I came in and asked if I had a table. I immediately said I didn't. Being the good guy that he is, he invited me to their table.

There was a beautiful girl in sitting on that table. She immediately captured my attention from the moment I saw her as I walked towards the table. I really wanted to be close to that girl so I shook off all my nervousness and sheer awkwardness and tried blending in to the group. I didn't have anything to lose. We were all leaving the dormitory in less than a month anyway. After a whole night of eating, talking, acting silly and partying, we all became friends. We walked away from the party hall together, sat down on the floor and chatted until the guard broke us up. We promised ourselves we won't forget each other the next day. We frantically repeated each other's names just so we would remember (I was particularly worried about the "remembering" part. I've never been good with names.)

Days later, I would discover that most people in that table were never close friends to begin with. Some were already friends, but most of them were simply acquaintances. We were all simply trying to fit in to a group that was practically made up of strangers.

We hung out everyday during the final days of our stay in the dormitory. We would eat together during lunch and dinner, get together during free breaks and talk the night away until we hear the curfew bell. We all felt that we met each other too late. Making up for a whole year of not knowing each other in just barely a month proved to be tough, but ever since that party, each day in the dormitory became something I looked forward to.

It's been around 2 years since we all met. We rarely see each other now. Only when it's someone's birthday or it's the end of the semester. The Facebook group's the only thing keeping us connected for the most part. But until now, I can still feel the warmth we had on our first night. It's such an amazing feat for such a rag-tag group like us in my opinion.

It was my birthday early this week so it was our cue to once again unite. Two of them (the previously mentioned "beautiful girl" and her very close friend) organized a gift to give me. It's a box packed with 365 messages from them, one for each day. It was actually a gift idea I wanted to give a certain somebody for her birthday but never got to do it. They said since I wasn't able to do it for her, they did it for me instead. Such awesome people!

I feel like I haven't thanked them enough yet (even though I've said it like a thousand times already). I really wish we'd continue growing as a group despite such a whacked up set up. I really love these people. <3

It's been a while.

Psh. A few days short of a week can be barely called "a while". Guess I've been writing here too much that it seems like it's been such a long time since I've written anything here. There's a number of reasons why that's happening (though as always, I'm not even sure myself hahaha)

Maybe it's because somewhere in the back of my head, I'm unconsciously upholding that "promise" I made when I said I want to write about the things that actually matter and about the things that I've given much thought about. There's also something about lessening those random bursts of emotion thrown in the mix. I felt the blog was getting really whiny, so I tried steering away from those kind of posts. The stuff I've been encountering and feeling for the past couple of days were basically just duplicates of the things I've already written about here. Mere reiterations. If I write about them again, I'll just feel like I'm pathetically whining.

Another reason is, well, a reason I can't really elaborate on. Hahahaha, I'm so sorry. Just certain stuff. I know I said I'd continue using this blog, but I can't help but hold back. Especially when the emotions fueling those would-be posts are so...inappropriate. It's so unfair for you. I don't want to dwell on those things cause I'm afraid it'd spark up unnecessary worry. Then unnecessary conflict. I'm sorry for holding back. For always holding back recently. I can't help it. I feel scared.

Another good guess ties up neatly with the second one. I want to banish those inappropriate emotions. And one such method that I know is by not thinking about it, much less blog about it. It's the total opposite of what I used to do. I always wanted to release. To dwell on it, then cast it all away from the bottom up. It just feels so rough having to go through all that. I'm tired of it. I just want to skim over it and be done with it. I want to try distracting myself away from you  these inappropriate feelings.

Lastly, I just want to remain happy during November and December. Or at least, seemingly happy. Not that I'm not. I really am. I just feel like blogging about something sad would tarnish the general mood that I want to create.







It's just tiring bottling it all up. And feeling restrained in my own blog is really frustrating. Well, whatever. This serves as the hole where the steam of bad vibes can escape. Good vibes, come to me! Good vibes! Good viiiiiibes! :D

Here Comes November!

I've liked the year-end duo of November and December over the other months of the year for as long as I can remember. November's my birth month so I can't help getting excited about it (shallow person is shallow). Not that anything grand happens on my birthday. I just like it and stuff. Even after my birthday, the good vibes continues on to the rest of the month with the thought of Christmastime coming in just a few weeks.

This year's October has been a wild, wild ride with so many highs and lows that I don't know how to classify the month as a whole. Even the end of this October is so bittersweet. But since it's already November, I'll just concentrate myself at the "sweet" part of it.

A promise of reconciliation. The warmth of new connections. The journey for self-improvement. And the start of a new semester.

I just baked muffins for the family (yes, muffins are my thing now. or at least until i finish all of my instant muffin mixes) and currently eating sinigang (that i love so deeply) with some ice cold coke (it matters). Being shallow has its perks.

It's a good start. Here's to a great November, everyone!

(Untitled post) - Draft**

**Nope, this is not a draft.

I was browsing through my 'Posts' list and I saw this one, lonely draft. "(Untitled post)", it said. Now I've never made a draft of anything I write here. Up to this point, this blog has basically served as my journal wherein I purge my pent up negativity (i promise to change this hahaha). The posts here are born from the emotions and thoughts I had at that moment. They're not something I prepare ahead of time, revise, review the next day, then revise all over again. I'm not really writing anything literary here (yet. hopefully). It's just not how I've worked till now.

With that said, it was weird for me to see a draft in my list. It doesn't even have a title. Hmm, let's see what this post was supposed to be about.

*click*

It was a blank draft. An empty, clean slate. Well, that doesn't help. But I think I have an idea on what happened here. I wanted to write something, wasn't sure of it, erased it, wrote again, didn't feel right, erased, wrote again, got frustrated, erased, "I'll do this later", didn't come back.

I'm certain I wanted to say something but wasn't able to express it, and this lonely draft is all that remained of it.

I'm sure you have one, too.

So on that same, lonely, untitled draft, I write this entry.

Here's to all of our "unfinished drafts"! 

To all the things we couldn't say or express;

All the things we didn't have the courage to articulate;

All the words we should have told them, him or her;

All the moments we held back, got scared, wussed out, got too embarrassed or nervous;

All the blog posts marked as "Draft";

All the letters we didn't give or even finish writing;

All the unfinished artwork stored in the basement;

All the texts that fill up the draft folder, waiting to be sent;

All the flowers that inevitably wilted without even gracing her presence;

All of the original songs that we keep singing in our heads but never in front of the one its for;

All the feelings we choose to keep inside even though we know we have to let them be known.

May we compose ourselves enough to finish them, 

have the courage to publish them, 

or whenever applicable, 

have the will to finally delete them.

Cheers!

Scatterbrain 1

There's a bunch of things (or I'd like to think so) on my mind and spamming them on Twitter would be very rude of me. So TA-DA! I'll spam them here on mah blog! Yehey! Let's make things a bit informal on this one (as if my other posts were that formal). And I just realized that this entry would be the very first post that adheres to this blog's title "Scatterbrain". Oooh, I better entitle it with something more appropriate. *changes title* There. "Scatterbrain 1". Added "1" to it to remind me that this is just the first one and I should make more of these semi-stream of consciousness type of posts. Ok, you ready? Go!

1. I just enrolled in a theater class that will run every Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) of every week till December 2. We're just two days in. One day if you'll only count today as the start of us doing something theater-y. Yesterday was just us introducing ourselves and going to a known university to watch their local theater organization's show. Cool cool show.

2. I had this urge to write something about the classes since it's something I don't normally do. But on my way home, I can't think of a general topic or theme to my would-be entry. I know I learned a lot of things today but I can't seem to roll them into one, bloggable topic. (Yes, bloggable is a thing.) That's when I realized what I needed to do. I have to step back and really immerse myself in the experience first. Let the workshop finish before I start spouting words about it. What I need is time to digest all of that. That way it'd be more meaningful and insightful. Burst blogging about it every time will just yield under-cooked pastry. I'll let it bake for a while in my head (and soul, awwyeah!) until it's golden brown and clean to poke.

3. PLEASE LET ME GET MORE UNITS ON THIS BATCH RUN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

4. Super duper looking forward to tomorrow (or later, whatever). Gonna meet up with some friends and hang with them for a while. I'll be giving the "Voca-bank", as I've named it, that I downloaded for a whole semester to my friend. It's really ironic.

5. There are some pretty ladies on my theater class. I'm a happy boy.

6. For those of you have kept track (or even heard) of the International Saimoe League, they're currently holding the Finals match. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, vote for Eucliwood Hellscythe!!! Kanade's cool and all. Its just that...she's not much of a character! Not worth the tiara. Vote here : www.internationalsaimoe.com

7. I got to copy (scribble) a recipe while watching one of the shows from Asia Food Channel. I think it was Molten Cake. See, I'm not even sure of the name of the food! It's a dessert, in case you haven't picked that up yet. I'm more of a dessert and bread guy. I'm not gonna say chef or cook or baker and stuff cause I'm not any of those. I don't wanna take up such a name since I'm not equipped to be called as such. I just like putting together sweet stuff that I see on recipe books and TV shows like this. Food knowledge is not something I have as of the moment, but is something I would really love to have in the future.

8. There hasn't been a warm day for me lately. This is such an obvious sign that CHRISTMASTIME IS COMING! WOO-HOO!!!! I love Christmastime. Really love. I won't deny that part of the reason are the gifts I receive. I feel loved when I get presents (and I get new stuff hihihi). Very shallow of me yes, but the hell do you care? Just kidding! I love you guys too! During the Christmas season, everyone seems to be in a jolly mood. Everyone's happy and stuff, one way or another. People are pulled in to one unified mood, a happy and joyous mood. The festive aura can be felt and seen wherever you go. Love, in all its forms, is apparent in everyone's actions. For a few weeks, people make an effort to make their immediate space happy and beautiful. I really wish everyone can extend that kind of thinking to the whole year.

9. I haven't gotten my voter's ID, demmit! I better get one of those or I'll surely be mocked because of it. A pretty shallow and insincere reason of doing so, I know.

10. FINAL ONE! I'll look up what Carpal Tunnel is. Heard it's pretty common to people who type a lot. I think it's some kind of strain on the hands or wrist or both. There's this cramping feeling on my wrist that I can't shake away. Hope I'm just tired.

Oh well, that does it for today. Just wanna flush down some random thoughts so that I'll sleep soundly tonight. Gooooodniiiight!

...Then You Get The Morning After

Ok, since I woke up really late today, it's technically the "afternoon" after for me.

You remember the surge of emotions that you went through the night before. All the things you said (or screamed), all the walls you tried to punch down and the embarrassing squeal you made when the wall decided not to crumble like you've imagined comes back to you after you wake up. Everything you did that night seemed...appropriate at the time. Now that you've rested, a question quickly passes your mind,

"Why the hell did I do all that?"

Embarrassment fills up your chest. You feel embarrassed for all the vile thoughts that you consciously permitted to run through your head. Your body doesn't even have an ounce of alcohol in it, but the rush you felt last night exceeds anything alcohol can offer. The rush of seriously not giving a single fck. But like any kind of rush, a sudden crash came shortly after. That night, you realized that you were tired of being strong all the time, or at least of acting strong. You wanted to be the weak one for a change; the one taken care of. Quickly, a lesson from experience hits you : no one's there to be strong for you when you decide to be weak.

Thank goodness. This time, you were wrong.

This time, you were saved.

You remember all the things you told her and how many times you've tried to repeat your point. How vulnerable you must have seemed. But you remember feeling okay.

"It must have been a huge trouble for her hearing me out."

This thought makes you want to grab your phone and text a long chain of apology. Then you remember you've already said sorry a number of times. Or did you? You double check. In the end, you trust that she got what you want to say and you thank her for the nth time in your head.

You can't really lie in bed forever since the thought of food compels you to get up. You thought pancakes would be nice, so you go ahead and make some.

You still feel a sting on your chest but now you acknowledge it as a natural occurrence. A phase everyone has to face. A hurdle you know you'll be able to overcome. So you accept the pain and let it make you stronger. You then continue making your pancakes.

It was chilling cold last night. But the morning after seems to be a little bit warmer.

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I made such a discovery today (just a few minutes back, really) and now I can't contain myself! I knew it! I knew it!!!

I had my doubts.

I HAD MY DOUBTS!!!

But this....THIS...THIS THING, it eradicates all of those! This trumps it all! Finally, some evidence!

I can't believe how perfect it all fits. Just a few clicks, searches, and backreading was all it took. It was so simple! I should've done this long long long long long long long ago!!!

You should let him know, seriously!

My cheeks hurt so much right now. FROM ALL THE SMILING AND LAUGHING OF COURSE!

You should have seen my face when I found out. I had to grip my face so hard to prevent it from ripping because I was laughing so much.

It feels so good! To be free from assumptions and from doubts! From the uneasiness of maybe's and what if's.

This discovery is amazing! It's like a drug that forces your face muscles to smile and your diaphragm to laugh. The kind of drug that you take when you're irreparably broken. The kind that numbs you with laughter while it eats you up swiftly, silently.

Chronicles of a Walking Man 5

(If you've read from the first 'Chronicle' all the way up to his one, you're a weird person. Just kidding. Thank you, I guess. This is the last one. Not that it'd be any different from the other 'Chronicles' nor from my other posts. It just feels cool stating the fact that this is the "last one". Hurrhurrhurr, forgive me shallowness.)

   Walking the stretch from the church to the main school is not such a familiar experience for me, even though I spent 4 years of my life in that school. Like I've said in my previous post, I took the school bus back then and it usually goes around and comes in from the other side of the school. The rocky side of the school. That's why I rarely take the cemented road going to in, which I find odd considering that it's the "proper" or "main" way to go inside. The only times that I remember going through here are when I have to go to school during a weekend when there's no school bus available, whenever I wake up late, miss the bus and have to take the tricycle to school, and during the 3 commencement exercises and graduation. All of those times, I'm too preoccupied to  notice the things around me, all for different reasons.

   I see through the windows a room full of worshipers. They were having some sort of meeting, though I can't hear them through my earphones. Not that I wanted to eavesdrop anyway. I continue walking until I reached the parking lot that divides the church from the school. It's usually filled with cars and school buses, but tonight, it's as empty as everything else. I've seen the new facade of the school before so I didn't bother looking at it again. More importantly, I scoped if someone was looking at me from the guard house. I don't want to be surprised nor chased out by anyone. Nope. No one seems to be alarmed of my presence. A black dog a few meters away was sleeping. Even he was not alarmed. I sat at one of the islands that acted like huge pots for the trees. I'm sure there's a term for them that I don't know. Relaxing. Sip of coffee float. 

Ahhh. Breathe in. Breath out. Ahhh.

"GRR!! RARFRARF!"

   The sudden loud bark took my by surprise. It was that black dog that was sleeping earlier. For some reason, he woke up and that reason is probably me. Now, I don't usually understand what a dog, or any animal, wants to say when they bark, but this time, I understand perfectly what he wanted to lay across.

"And who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm--"

"I dun care! You ain't gotta be here on mah turf, so you get yo skinny ass outta here!"

"Well, I jus--"

"You wanna take me on, foo? You wanna go? Huh?!", he moved closer.

"Ok, fine. Sheesh."

"Yeah, you better be walkin' outta here! Shoo! Shoo!"

   He kept barking at me as I walked out. I wasn't done looking around and I'm not gonna let some dog order me around, so I made my way to the church's "front door". I'm not really sure if it's the front door. It just seems like it. It had that huge two-door entrance and a large open area with a fountain in the middle. I've never visited this part of the church (since I rarely go to church), so I was pretty excited. Fountain in the night. Kinda romantic. The few light posts that were up coupled with the bright half moon shining above illuminates the area. 

"Now this, THIS, is nice."

   A knee-high divider separates the elevated part from the rest of the open space. Needless to say, I had to sit on the divider. I placed my coffee float on the base of the mini pillar beside me. I flailed around my legs, amused that it's not touching the ground no matter what I do. I look around and no one was there, except for the eagerly bright half moon above me. I stared at it for some time and eventually, I got tired of looking up. That's when I had an idea. I looked back at the guard house for a quick check. No one was looking. Nobody's around.

"Yeah, it'll work." I confirmed to myself. I moved the coffee float further away from me, pulled my feet up and positioned myself on to the thin, slightly curved "bed". Slowly, I laid my head back, trying to maintain my balance, my hands gripping on both sides of the ledge so that I won't fall off disastrously. Eventually, my neck hits something. The base of the mini pillar my coffee float used to be in. It made a perfect pillow on my make shift bed! Straight in my view is the bright half moon.

"Best. Idea. Ever."

   With time, I got used to lying down the thin stone divider so I let go of the ledge and placed my hands neatly on my stomach. I basked on the sight of the moon and the starry night sky it was in. Cold wind brushes from my side, passing through my whole body. I increased the volume of my music player and closed my eyes. I was lost in the waves of music and wind. Two songs went by in a flash while I had my eyes shut, but I got scared that I might fall asleep if I continue. I opened my eyes and immediately turned to the guard house. Ok, I'm good. I didn't go back to taking a nap, but I continued lying there. I couldn't care less what time it was already.

   Along with the clear, dark sky, my mind cleared up as well. There was nothing that disturbed me, nothing at all. Everything was calm and steady. For the first time in a long time, I was at peace. I've been through a lot of stress lately, mainly because of my own useless thoughts. I blamed it all to me being home alone for such a long time without anyone to talk to. Negativity swirled around and around my head. It was like a rat running around and I couldn't catch it, let alone kill it. I used to love the feeling of solitude, of some alone time, but lately, I felt like it destroyed me even more.

   Turns out, the peace of mind I was yearning for can't be found inside the walls of my house and in front of the computer. I had to go out, somewhere further away, to find real solitude, real peace. Where the darkness is a friend. Where your thoughts can get carried away by the chilling wind and scattered about the boundless expanse of the land. Where the scale of the universe is not scary and where being alone doesn't mean being lonely. We all have that place somewhere in this world. Sometimes, we may already be in it, but we can't be in it until we change our perspective. Other times, we have to take the long way back, brave through dark and scary tunnels, face the terror of an unknown future, mourn for a shattered past and stand firm in the reality of the present. If you keep walking, tirelessly until your soles hurt, I'm sure you'll eventually reach that place. Then for just a few moments, you can stop walking. You can rest and you'll realize that this, this is the meaning of it all. And it was worth it. As for me, that place was back there, in front of my Alma Mater's church and under the blessing of the bright half moon's light.

Chronicles of a Walking Man 4

   Anyone can see clearly the interior of McDonalds. I'm pretty sure that's just how they want it. I read somewhere before that food establishments actually invite people to simply "hangout" at their place to make it seem like there's a lot of people inside and some passing customer will be pulled in by the bandwagon. Pretty clever.

   I immediately notice a couple talking intimately on the tables outside. They were the only ones there, as if they owned the place. I saw a door on the side but I chose not to go through it. I want to go inside from the front door. It felt like the right thing to do since it's my first time visiting the store. As I go around to the front, something big catches my attention. I back up a bit to see the big sign at the top of the post.

"Southwoods Center"

"Deeeeeym!"

   For some reason, the signage itself was oozing of badassery. I imagine a few years from now, it'd be welcoming everyone that wants to go to the "Southwoods Center"! And right below it? A bright and bubbly McDonalds that seems to extend its arms to a hug. Perfect!

   They also started putting up barriers and islands on the wide intersection. It used to be a huge intersection of death where one can feel the thrill of running from one safe side to the other. I bet they're preparing for the increase of vehicles that will through this intersection in the near future. It'll surely paint a bad image if people keep dying in there.

   Anyway, I was done looking around so I head straight for the front door.

"Wooooooooow." I thought to myself.

   I'm used to going to McDonalds, even late at night with very few customers like this one, but I can't help being mesmerized by this one. It looks so wide and clean and organized. A top level branch. They have a separate bar for the McCafe which I find pretty classy. I remembered the conversation I had on the phone with my friend. She mentioned how she loved McDonald's Coffee Float and how she made her mom have some and how she liked it even though she rarely drinks floats.

"How about I get myself one of those. It's not like I came here specifically for that. Yeah. It's just that there's a McDonalds here. And coffee float. Right, right."

   I scanned through the menu flashed, looking for the coffee float. Coffee float...coffee float. There! Apparently, you can buy it as a separate drink or as an upgrade to a meal. It says,

"Upgrade from a meal".

   I'm not quite sure how that "upgrade" works since I rarely say yes when the cashier asks, "With fries? Upsize the coke? Any additional order, sir?" Like I've always done when I'm about to do something for the first time, I practiced how to order on my head. Word per word. Then a cashier calls my attention.

"This counter, sir." Signalling at me with a smile on her face.

"Yeah. Uhm, for the coffee float, does the 'upgrade from a meal', uhm...a(ctivate), no ugh, hmm...."

   I can't remember what I rehearsed! The cashier looks at me, baffled as I fumble for the right word.

"Does it, uhh...take effect, with the McSaver Meals?"

   Really? Take. Effect?

"Uhm, what is that again, sir?"

   Now she's making me repeat it!

"I mean, I can, like upgrade to a coffee float from the McSaver Meals, right?"

   Somehow, I got the message across.

"Ah, yes sir."

"Ok, I'll be having a...ahm, let's see...Crispy Chicken Fillet with rice. Then upgrade the drink to a coffee float."

   She confirmed my order, I pay the bill and she prepares my meal.

"Apply! Dammit! That was the word I was looking for!" I snap as the realization came to me.

"Order's complete. Enjoy your meal." She pushes the tray towards me. I smile in response.

   I didn't know where to sit, inside the store or outside. I wanted to eat outside and stare the night sky some more while eating, then I remembered the couple that's being lovey dovey outside. No way I'm eating there. So I pull a nearby chair and ate there. Their chicken was bigger than what I usually eat. Hallelujah! But it wasn't the center of my attention. It was the coffee float, of course.

"Hmmm..." I stirred the ice cream a bit, pulled out the straw and licked the ones that stuck. "Mmmm." Stir, stir stir. I took a sip. "Hmmmm...." I was getting something, but I knew I haven't reached the peak of its taste. Stir, stir, stir. Sip. "Not yet." I pull out the straw once more and licked the ice that didn't come off. "Mmmm." Stir, stir, stir. When the ice cream was completely dissolved in the coffee, that's when I took a sip.

...

"Damn, that's good." I immediately texted my friend. "You were right, the coffee float is really good! (translated from the original text)".

   Stir, stir, stir. Sip, sip, sip.

   After finishing my meal, I pulled my leg up and curled to a ball in the comfy chair. It seemed like I was feeling really at home, but whatever. The girl from the table across is doing it, so I'm just going with the flow. She looked kind of familiar. I took glances of her. Not the ohh-she-looks-hot kind of glance. I wanted to see if I know her from somewhere without anyone noticing.

   Stir, stir, stir. Sip, sip, sip.

   Yeah, I don't know her. Meh. I looked outside to check if the couple was still there. They were. Tsk. I really wanted to try sitting outside but the...you know what, I don't care. I went out and sat as far away as possible. I look up.

   Stir, stir, stir. Sip, sip, sip.

   I wasn't wrong. The night sky enveloped me li--ok seriously, the thought of having a couple fawning at each other just 3 tables away just ruins the moment. I head out of the store. Just across the road from McDonalds was my high school. To be precise, it's the church, then behind it is my high school.

10:33pm.

"Just for a few minutes", I thought to myself while sipping some more coffee float. The chocolate syrup's still pretty overpowering, but just a few more stirs.

   Stir, stir, stir. Sip, sip, sip.

"Ahhhh....yeah, that hits the spot."

   Sip, sip, sip. Sip, sip, sip.

Chronicles of a Walking Man 3

10:00pm.

   I decided NOT to write the songs that have been playing for the duration of my walk. I looked straight ahead and saw the people chatting inside 7-11, which I've only been to once before. I had a tiny urge to go inside and check it out, but I brush it aside. I just wanna grab some food at McDonalds and go back home to blog.

   As I walk past the arc, I notice something...bright. The spot it's on used to be a construction site that I thought was never gonna finish. Now, it's fully finished, bright as the heavens...

Caltex gas station.

"Wooooow."

   I was sure they were building something else when I first saw the construction site months and months back. I thought maybe some kind of commercial building of sorts. But no. A gas station. Not that I'm undermining the establishment. I do think it's a pretty good idea to put up a gas station that's NEARER to civilization. You see, just on the next corner, there's another gas station. That one got built way before the Caltex one and back then I thought, "That's a good idea." It wasn't. It didn't even take a month and the gas station was already dead. I asked around about what happened. Some said it got robbed. Some said it just didn't get enough revenue. Yada yada. Bottomline, it crashed and burned (not literally, oh god). As far as I'm concerned, it's now a constant reminder never to put up an establishment in the middle of nowhere if you haven't thought things through.

   I continued walking ahead while my eyes were still locked on the Caltex station. It looked so clean and new and shiny and pretty. When my neck got too twisted, I stopped and faced the station properly. That's when I noticed something. Something else. The building behind it, where the 7-11 earlier was. It had a rooftop bar now! I'm not even sure if it was that high before. I'm pretty sure it was just around 3 floors, but now it has 5. I don't know what got to me, but I stared at the building for quite some time. Shortly after the smell of smoke grabs my attention away from the rooftop bar. Not the bad kind of smoke. The good kind, like the ones coming from stone stoves powered by charcoal. I followed the trail and checked my suspicion. I was right! Bibingka! Like a native rice cake. (Why am I bothering to explain what it is?) It's usually pretty seasonal and comes up only when it Christmastime is near. Except for the few random Christmas lights, this is the first hint of Christmas coming on this side of the road. I didn't buy one, though. But the thought of Christmas coming really soon was enough to perk me up.

   The now dead gasoline station marked the start of a wide spread of nothingness. Like the Scary Half, there's not a light post in sight. It's as if the darkness of the night sky spilled over and covered the ground as well. But unlike the Scary Half, I didn't mind the darkness. It was calming. Coupled with the cold wind blowing, I savored every step. I tucked my hands to my jacket's pockets and continued on. In a nearby corner, I notice a new construction site, one that I've never seen before. It had around 7 or 8 light bulbs scattered about the site and it barely illuminates the area.

"Hmmm...."

"I'm not in any rush, anyway." With that in mind, I head for the site to take a look.

   It had a tarpaulin put up in the front but it was too dark to read what was written. It had a picture of the would-be building so I'm pretty sure it says what it's gonna be. As I get closer, I noticed a car parked near the site. It had it's back lights and dashboard light on, yet I can't see if there was anyone inside.

"Are there people having sex in there? Or maybe murder!"

   I didn't want to check. But if I were to get close to the site, I had to pass through the car. I had no choice. I walked hurriedly to the tarpaulin, taking glimpses of the car, just in case someone comes out and jumps at me. Though if he were to try and chase me, I won't be able to escape. I mean, he's got a car and all. So basically, the moment I walked towards the site was the start of my (would-be) demise. I stopped when I reached the front of the site. If he wanted to kill me, he'd do it now. I take a last glimpse.

No change.

...

"Nah, he's not gonna kill me."

   Even though I was practically in front of the tarpaulin, I can barely read what was written. At that same instant, a bright flash of light beamed at the tarpaulin! I looked back and saw a car from afar flashing his head lights directly in front of me. I don't know if he saw me trying to read the tarpaulin and decided to help or if he just happened to have his head lights on while making the turn, but I gestured a thank you to him. I hope he noticed. I snapped back to reading the tarpaulin.

"Unihealth Southwoods Hospital and Medical Center"

   Just as I finished reading, the lights go off. It's like he's right there beside me. I couldn't help smiling. A hospital, huh? I counted the floors it would have. It had six if I remember correctly. Who knew we'd have a hospital in the middle of nowhere. That's when I felt that things are really changing. Months will pass and that hospital will be finished. By then, who knows what else would have changed. There's A LOT of vacant space around. I'm sure someone would think of something.

   Then I remembered, someone already did.

   I read a few months back that some corporation signed a huge ass project to turn this empty expanse of land into...something big. A "BPO center and IT Park" in their own words.

"Oh yeah, they did say there was gonna be a hospital here. So it's this one, huh?"

   I was ecstatic when I first read that article. Now that I'm looking at  it's birth, it's first bricks and foundations, I felt like I was looking at history in the making. That years from now, I'd be standing in the same spot in front of that hospital, saying, "I saw you when you were just a pile of stone and cement."

   But speaking of history in the making, an even more prominent evidence of the change that has swept the area shimmers like a jewel in a dark cave.

   McDonalds was in sight.

   The darkness of the area simply intensified the brightness of their lights in my eyes. Like an oasis in the desert. It wasn't as dark as it used to be anymore. For one thing, I can see the road I'm walking on now.

   But the serenity of the night remained.

   I looked up to the night sky. There seem to be more stars than it used to. No, that's probably not it. I must have just been too accustomed to the night sky in the city. Where the view of a starry sky can only be seen in patches. Sky lines cover the smoke filled sky. The stars weren't particularly bright. But there were lots of them. Lots. Spread out on the black blanket enveloping the land. I'm not one to be too sentimental about the difference between the city and province since our place is technically part of the metropolis, or at least very close to it. But this time, it felt different. I've passed through the same expanse countless of times before and I've looked at the night sky more times than I can remember, but I don't remember seeing it being this huge. This overpowering; belittling. I tried sizing up the night sky, looking at it from end to end. But it's as if the edge of the dark sky melded to the edge of ground, where their division blurred and the two worlds became one. And in the middle of this dark dome of peace?

   A shining, shimmering McDonalds.

10:18pm.

   I've reached my destination.

   But I haven't reached the end.

Chronicles of a Walking Man 2

   The second part and the third part of the journey used to be just one long stretch when I was younger. But due to changes and developments that our area has gone through the years, I've divided it to two parts: the Boring Half and the Exciting Half.

   The Boring Half comes up first, right after you pass the arc of our village. Whenever I walk to this part of the long road, things get pretty monotonous. There's just nothing going on here. There're just trees on both sides of the road, some fence for some lot that's got nothing in it. There's an entrance to another village, but that's pretty much it. But not this time. Not tonight.

9:47pm.

It's dark as fck.

   I've never really paid attention to it since I usually walk during the day, but there's not a single light post in here! Come to think of it, it's my first time to walk up to this part of the road so late. To put it simply, I'm really scared. The sidewalk is uneven; rocks and twigs everywhere. The empty patches of land that were pretty insignificant to me before now causes me to panic. Trees sprouting from either side of the road now feels like potential hiding spots for crazy homeless people waiting for idiots like me that like walking around during late at night. I pulled out my cellphone and lowered my volume down. If someone's gonna try and abduct me, I want to hear him coming towards me and at least have some chance to run away. I upped my normally fast walking pace even more. I wanna get the hell outta here!

9:51pm.

   Nearing the end of the now "Scary" Half, hope comes to view in the form of a convenience store signage. Lights from different stores brighten up the end of the road, forming an almost literal version of 'the light at the end of the tunnel'. Thank goodness I got through it without getting raped or killed. My pace slowed down as I got closer, back to my normal pace soon enough. I haven't really thought up of what to eat. I know I did say I'd go to McDonalds, but I had some extra money with me so I was thought back what stores were in the Exciting Half and what I could by on the way.

   The Exciting Half came about only around my 2nd year in high school. Back then, there were only two computer shops and a 24-hour convenience store on that stretch of the road and only one side of was occupied. The other side was just like the Boring Half, with all those trees and such. There were a few small stalls (I think), but they were too insignificant for me to remember. We used to go to one of computer shops back in the day. Right after exams, we'd go there to play through the afternoon, blowing off steam. I wasn't particularly good in the game that we usually played, but I can hold my ground somehow. Afterwards, we'd eat at the convenience store. I'd usually get an sundae cone. They'd get different stuffed breads. After eating and chatting, we'd go our separate ways. Some would take the tricycle and go to the town proper, some would just cross the street, and I'd walk back to our village.

   As time went by, we grew older, and so did the area. The earliest additions to the Exciting Half that I can remember are the dim sum house, the burger shop beside it, and the bar and grill just a few steps away. The most striking for me was of course the dim sum house. They had massive siomai in that store which always cheers me up. I only tried eating at the burger shop beside it once. Not because the burger was bad. I actually remember it being really good. Maybe I was just never in the mood for burgers whenever I go there.

"Hey, I feel like I'm in the mood for some burgers." Perfect.

   For someone who hasn't visited in a long time, I notice what's changed more than anyone else. The vibe of the place is pretty much the same but at the same time, it's not. It's...fuller, richer. It's already pretty late, only a few stores are open, most of them are starting to close, but it's still livelier than what I remember it to be. The whole stretch is now packed with stores. Tutorial centers , milk tea shops, coffee shops, auto repair and detail shops, spas and wellness centers, stationary stores, cake shops, barber shops, meat shops, bakeries and a whole lot more restaurants and food stalls than ever before! Most of the structures have second and/or third floors. That's how much space they still need.

   I slowed down my pace. It felt like time in this place moves so fast and I didn't want to add to it. Both sides of the road has some sort of structure built now. It amazed me, how much it has all changed, improved.  More than ever, I felt proud that I grew up in here. I felt blessed that I got to see this stretch of land start as a construction site, to a somewhat commercialized-but-still-pretty-rural stretch, to the now bustling avenue that it is. But of course, like every other going-back-to-your-hometown-after-a-long-time-of-being-away story, there's a tinge of sadness. Of broken nostalgia. I walked past the computer shops we used to play in. One was pretty much the same, one was for sale. We used to play on the one that's on sale. Tsk. Close to it was the dim sum house. Thank goodness it's still there. Now for my burgers--

   I stopped.

   I walk up to it and read the sign.

Dental Clinic, open 9am to 5pm

"Huh."

   After a few moments, I looked away and continued walking.

   Tsk.

   Just when I was in the mood for some burgers.

10:00pm.

   I'm less than 15 steps away from the arc. Yes, there's another arc in this side of the road. I haven't really noticed what it said. But just like the previous arc on the edge of our village, this will also mark the end of another leg and will kick start the final stretch of my journey back to my school and to McDonalds. I stopped and leaned back to an abandoned food stall.

"I want to blog about this whole trip. Maybe I'd also write the song that's playing on my cellphone at each significant point. Lemme write them down...hmm. Ok, you know what, never mind. I'm sure I'd remember them when I get back. Next stop's already McDonalds, so I guess there won't be so much significant additions to the things I'd wanna write about."

   I wish I wrote them down, since as you've noticed on my this entry and on the previous one, I wasn't able to write the "song that's playing on my cellphone at each significant point." At that time, I thought I was just gonna walk towards McDonalds, order some stuff, go back and write about how much the Exciting Half as changed. I didn't know that beyond that arc, the adventure has yet to reach its peak.

Chronicles of a Walking Man 1

"...okay, bye."

   I just got off the phone after talking to a friend for about half an hour (or an hour. I can't really keep track.) Around 1/4 of the time were spent saying "Hello? Hello? Hello?" on and on and on because of our network provider keeps effing up. Or is it just my phone. She said she can hear me even though I can't hear her. Tsk. I probably need a new phone. It was my first time calling her and I was nervous as all hell. But I enjoyed talking to her. Even though I have to constantly move around the backyard just to get a proper signal, even though I have to struggle to understand her words through the static and sudden volume drops, I enjoyed hearing her voice. Her soft, gentle voice that mirrors exactly how I've come to know her. Even when she's just saying a string of "Hellohellohellohellohello..." to check if I can hear her was so precious, to me at least. We've talked through the morning yesterday, but I wasn't able to hear her speak, so it's very refreshing to hear from her again.

   I told her I'll be walking to the nearest McDonalds to eat before we hang up. The "nearest" McDonalds is not exactly "near" per se.  It's around a 20 to 30 minute walk from our house. Coincidentally, it's just a road's width away from my high school. I've never really been to that branch even though I grew up here. That McDonalds simply came out of nowhere just a few months ago and I haven't been able to visit it even once. Needless to say, I haven't visited my previous school as well in those "few months". It's been what, half a year, I guess, since I've visited. I look at the time in my cellphone.

8:57pm.

...

"This'll be a good walk.", I thought to pump myself up.

   Before heading out, I got a few of my songs from the laptop to my cellphone so I can listen to them while walking in the dark. Some of them were bad copies, stopping midway when I play it. I really wanted to listen to them so I re-downloaded most of them. As I'm wasting time sitting and waiting, I'm starting to get impatient. 9:27pm. Dammit. I checked the download bar. 95%. Come on, come on....Done. I didn't even bother checking them. If they don't play right, then fine. Whatever.

   I was about to turn off my laptop when I realized that I might be gone for a while. I can use that idle time to continue downloading the gift I'm giving to a friend (it was 129 GB), so I plugged it in on the wall and carefully took out the batteries so as not to overcharge it. I grabbed my keys, wallet, plugged my earphones in, changed my shorts, picked up a jacket and headed out.

9:38pm.

   It was particularly windy outside so I immediately put my jacket on as I stepped outside. I tucked my hands in my pockets and let out a cold breath. I used to walk from my house to my school. Not on school days though. I had my school bus to take me to and from the school. Just whenever I feel like walking. When I've got nothing to do and I want some time or myself, I walk.

   I usually segment the "journey" to school into 4 parts. The first part is inside our village. Full of houses and stores from both sides of the road. Cars come and go and I have to constantly look behind (or in front, depending on which side of the road I'm in) for cars, trucks or buses that may come slamming at me. In case you're wondering, "Trucks and buses? In a village?", yes, that's not a mistake. The part of the village where my house is lies on the "main road" that runs from the express highway tollgate near my school to the town complex that in turn is a part of the main highway that goes either to the Metro or the deeper parts of my province. The "main road" is pretty much a shortcut from the expressway to the busy part of our area so we get our fair share of vehicles passing through us. Buses actually stop IN FRONT of our house. The only thing missing is a sign that says "Bus Stop" painted on our walls. Pretty irritating at times. And very dusty, too.

   To get to my school (in this case, McDonalds), I just have to follow the said "main road" all the way to the expressway's tollgate. The way I remember it, the end of the road is simply an expanse of grass and ridiculously wide converging roads. Our high school sits pretty, grand and huge in the middle of nowhere.

   Walking the first leg is nothing special. It's just like walking through the sidewalk of the city or some urban area. Realizations about life and the universe rarely come to me at this point. I even get irritated at times because of the smoke that gets blown to my face by all the cars. I hate smoke. This time wasn't an exception. There was only one car that blew smoke at my face since it's already pretty late at night, so I let it pass. I also get to walk with other people in this part of the journey. But since I walk (generally) at a faster pace than most people I know or encounter, I walk past them after a few minutes. One guy walking came to view when I turned the corner. By this time, I'm already singing energetically to a cover of Home by Phillip Phillips playing in my cellphone. He was treading the same direction as I was. I'm not quite sure if it's me that's too fast or it's him that's too slow, though. I just know that I want to overtake him as soon as possible because if I don't, he'll hear me belt out my powerful solos and he'd think I'm weird and annoying and I don't want that.

9:46pm.

   I get to the arc of our village. This marks the edge where our village, and the first leg of my journey, ends. The night is just getting started.

Untitled?

So I just got home from the most amazing late night walk I ever. I'm pretty excited to write all about it here. That's why I'm writing this little "introductory" bit, so that I can calm myself down enough to be coherent. I'll probably cut it up to parts since it may become too long. Or maybe that won't be the case and I don't have to cut it up. Whatever. Hahahaha.

STREAM 1

Set time : 10 minutes

Stream of consciousness. Found this on my friends' blogs, so I thought I should try it out myself.

_________________________________________________________________________________

ok, i'm gonna try this stream of...thingy (thingy because i can't spell tha word properly and i don't wanna write it UNproprely.) (damn, even that has a red underline on it) (really? that word doesnt exist? unproperly? it should. it sounds awesome). aaaaaanyway, i'm not really sure what to type here. well, i woke up at 3:48 PM! and i've only been up for a few hours and it's already freaking daaaaaaark! i miss the sunlight! i wanna do things when the sun is up or something. im thinking of sacrifcing, dammit, sacrificing this day so that i MAY put my body clock right on track. maybe wake up at 8 am tomorrow (which i rarely do). i feel super unproductive during my sembreak (even though i had ALOT, ok maybe not alot, of things in mind). i wanted to get back to writing Lifelines, but i can't seem to get my head to it. there's also that talecraft thingy, but im not sure if what i'm building is a mystery. im pretty sure it's not. it's all killing and killing and killing and stuff. (KILLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!) (i used that loong killing to thinkg hahahaha, yes im cheating at this) (NO I'M NOT A CHEATER HUHUHUHU) anyway, i had a google hangout with my friends yesterday, which is exactly the reason why i woke up at almost 4 pm. she looked so cute through the VIDEO STREAM even though it was pixalated, damn, pixelated, dammit!!!! whatever you get it. it usually freeze ts, which is fine by me, at least it's her face i see on the screen. CREEPY AS FCK! i'm so sorry, you might be reading this. it's just that i find you so adorable. so candid and stuff. i always like looking at you, and i can't really do that in real life cause you'll notice me, and our eyes will meet, and i'll get super duper embarrassed, and i'll turn my attention to something else as if nothing happened, then i'll see you face the other way, and i'll start staring at you again. it's pretty pathetic cycle. but in the hangout, i can look at you as much as i can. in all your awesomeness. ok, this is really starting to be super stalker-ish of me. i'll just stop there i guess. hmm, so what else should i write here. uggghhhh, my mom's been bugging me to get my voter's id. not really up for it. i'll have to go to town and stuff. im not sure if i'll be waiting in line for so long. i don't want to wait in line. AND THAT SHT WILL HAPPEN ON MY BIRTHDAY! fck this. i got 3 units on my pre-enlistment. there's a 2nd batch run, but i'm not even sure if i'll get any units. so on my birthday, which i put up in a pedestal, i'll be going around campus, waiting in line, drowning in sweat and trying to get subjects. it's pissing me off so bad! i want to feel special on my birthday. pathetic sounding but yeah. i like birthdays. especially mine. and making me go through a lot of stress during my birthday just plain sucks. ugggghhhhh! i wish i see you on my birthday. ok TIME!

Lines That May Save A Life

How are you?

Wanna hang out?

You look great.

Something wrong?

What's up?

I miss you.

Want a hug?

You ok?

Let's have lunch.

It's been so long.

I got something for you.

You might like this.

You seem down.

Want some ice cream?

I just remembered you.

This is delicious!

How've you been?

Happy birthday!

I wish you were here.

Can I talk to you?

Let's meet up!

I like your work.

How's your day?

I appreciate you.

Remember when we...

Let me help you.

You can lean on me if you want.

You must be tired.

I'll listen.

Hey.

Forcibly Gulping Down a Positivity Pill

I was about to write something awfully miserable today. Another one of those rant posts with little to no coherence. The kind of post I don't actually think about. Just type and type and type. I don't even bother to rearrange the sentences or correct lines that may come across differently than how I would want it.

I wanted to write how sad I am today; how insignificant I feel; how hurt I am at the fact that I won't be able to be anyone special in her eyes. I wanted to release all the jealousy that consumed me today.

But you know what, I'm not gonna write about it.

I've gone through enough of this...mood swings(?) to know that it will pass after a day or two. I don't want to spontaneously write about it because I'm sure these feelings are very much temporary and not significant enough to be written about here. I may not be able to follow this that much in the future, but as much as possible, I want to write blog entries about things that I actually think or feel deeply about. About things that matter to me as person.

Don't misunderstand, though. I'm pretty fcked up right now, that's for sure. But I think outbursts of misery like the one I'm having right now, no matter how potent, will surely lose its effect without even me noticing. As such, I don't want to put so much thought in to it anymore. The more I circle around my thoughts, the harder it is to get out of such petty problems. I've come to accept that I'm an insecure and jealous person in general, so I try to work around it as much as possible. When I get episodes of negativity, I force myself to be as objective about it as I can be so as to avoid unnecessary promises and irreparable damages.

Writing about it like this also helps. It pulls me apart from the emotional hell hole and lets me think about things a little differently. I've noticed that when I do understand fully the experience I blog about, I rarely need to stop and think. It comes out naturally. Internal discussions with regards to my opinions (yes, I do discuss my opinions with myself. i argue a lot with myself, really.) don't take too long. If the words don't fire out as quickly, I know something's wrong. When that difficulty on finding the next word or sentence to type comes up, I stop and regroup. Then I start to realize, "Maybe I'm not that sad." or "These thoughts are actually pretty stupid." or "You're a moron for thinking like that, Justin.". Then I Select All + Backspace the whole thing (which is just unfinished paragraph at that point) and write something of this sort instead.

Huh.

After typing all that, I actually feel a little lighter. Forcibly gulping down a positivity pill does work. The ability to forcibly purge oneself from misery is something all of us should have, in my opinion. There will be times when no one else is there to hold you or listen to you. In those times, you'll be stuck alone with your lonely self. Unless you can squirm yourself out, you'll simply rot away in your own tears.

Let Me Make This Clear

First, I don't like beer. I still don't get what's so good about it. Maybe it's taste is not something I fancy. I find it a chore to finish down a bottle. Not because I get all drunk and can't finish another one, I just don't like it's taste. There must be something wrong with me.

Now for people who know me, that might sound like a contradiction. I usually say, "Let's driiiiiink!", whenever things start to get fun. I just realized that I may be coming off as a drinker when I say that. To make things clear, when I say I wanna drink out, it mean I want to have lots of fun with whoever I'm inviting. It's just that apparently, alcohol has to be in the picture to have that "fun". If there was a way to have that kind of "fun" without alcohol, I'd rather do that.

Second, that hurt. A lot. Maybe that means I sincerely like you. Still, I'm conflicted if I should believe his words or not. Then again, when it comes to you, he knows way way more than I do. It's just that...haaa...there it is again. That kind of emotional pain that translates to a physical chest ache. I'm not quite sure who the lucky guy is, but if my hunch is right, it'd be nice to see you getting along more. Maybe even be together. I mean, you look great together. You get along well. Your personalities match. And he does like you too. It'd be perfect.

Haaaaaa....What am I saying?

Of course it won't be nice. I'd be painful. More painful than this. Haaaaaaa.

And third, uhm. Nah. I won't write it here. I'll tell you when we get to talk. Seriously talk. Remember, I'm not done with you. Hahaha.

I Don't Normally Do It

Clicking links to videos that my friends share. I never actually considered why. It's a pretty simple act. And the buffer time doesn't usually go for too long. But I rarely clicked on the links, listened to those songs or watched those videos.

Maybe I'm missing out.

That's what I thought just minutes ago. So I clicked on the link my friend shared in the dead of the night.

...

I AM missing out.

The video was amazing, seriously. But the sheer coincidence that of all the video links that my friends have shared, I click and get to watch this one is just a bit short of being scary for me. It pierced through me unlike any other video. Maybe videos like that are meant to be somewhat vague and easily relatable. I might also be unconsciously forcing myself to create associations to continue the rush. Still, it encompassed with deadly accuracy what I had to go through and how things can change from there. I felt like I understood something. Or better yet, I reorganized my jumbled thoughts. I feel like I can step forward again. And all thanks to a 5 and a half minute video.

(I'm so sorry if this entry sounds so jumbled and stuff. I'm not really sure what to write about or how to write it. It's just that the video moved me so much. And I'm too embarrassed to link it. Dunno why. >.<)

Randoms 1

"And just how sure are you that she's gonna pull the trigger at him and not at you?

"Because out of all of them, she's the one with the purest heart."

"Won't that be the main reason why she WON'T help you?"

"Could be. But a dark spot shows its darkest when painted in a white sheet. Pure hearts like hers are the easiest ones to corrupt. Someone who has never tasted evil shall crave for its sweetness the most. That girl's innocence have been their most valuable treasure, but as such will also be their greatest downfall. Trust me, that angelic face of hers will be the last sight Alexi will see before his head comes flying off!"

Liberation II

   Countless lights stain the night. Colors mingle, struggle to light the stage. I've just been pulled from nirvana by one of my friends.

   "Why the hell are you sleeping while watching a concert?", he asked me with a tone lathered with teasing.

   "I wasn't sleeping." I answered with a straight face. He asked me if flutes needed to be tuned beforehand. I said I didn't know. I wasn't being mean. I really didn't know. I warily looked back at the stage. The stage lights still strain my eyes but I wanted to watch my friend perform. I always knew he was a great drummer, from all that I've heard at least. Though, I've never seen him perform on any live gig. This was my chance to witness his prowess, I wouldn't want to miss it.

   He had his eyes closed, just like I was moments ago. Because of that, I thought, maybe we were feeling the same thing. But looking at him closely, I knew we weren't. His euphoria is more...potent so to speak. His was more pure. More raw. And by far, more beautiful. He pounded the drums with certainty, even with his eyes closed. I could tell his bandmates were in the same euphoric state. The vigor they display while playing amazed me. Just how much energy are they being filled with? What emotions are they invoking within them while playing their piece? As I am now, I can only wonder.

   I became curious on how other people were feeling during that moment. I looked around me and to my shock, there were more people inside the venue than when we came in. There were already people behind me without me noticing. I suddenly felt embarrassed. I was sure I was headbanging while I was closing my eyes and the guy behind me must have seen the entirety of it. I looked away hurriedly. The line of 10+ people to my right side were all my friends that came to watch the concert. They too came to cheer for the drummer playing up on the stage. Or I'd like to think that they are. In any case, I could see them all being absorbed into the performance and that in itself was an amazing sight for me.

   And there you stood on the other side of the line. Even with the loudness of all the speakers booming around us, I can still notice how quiet you are. A gentle aura in the midst of a roaring hurricane of energy. The eye of the storm. A safe point. That's just like you. Or to be more specific, that's just like the you that I perceive you as. I smiled at the sight of you. Part of you, at least. I almost can't see you because the person beside you is blocking my view. I sighed lightly and turned to the stage. The psychedelic lights haven't stopped; it still looks like a rainbow-bombed dream state.

   Seconds into watching, the music playing has already infested my heart. It dug up emotions I've been struggling to suppress. Frustrations I've always wanted to eradicate. Feelings I've so long wanted you to notice. To the beat of the bass, I turn to you. To the riffs of the guitar, I start walking towards you. The band's rhythm escalates as I move closer to you; their energy matching mine. I pass by one person at each step, shortening the distance between us. As the performance reached its peaked, I stood beside you. As the band crashes the song to its last note, the piano solo remained and the crowd goes wild. You notice me, and looked me in the eye.

   "What's up?" Your smile ensnares me. The music that consumed me just minutes ago simply pales in comparison to the music of your voice. It engulfs me more than any song, moves me more than any instrument.

   Without breaking my stare, I grab you by the hand and pull you towards my thin chest. The piano solo ends and the band slams down for a final burst. I wrap my arms around you tightly and rest my head on yours. All the times I simply wanted to hug you is realized by this single moment. I stroke your hair slowly. I close my eyes. The liberating sound of all the instruments playing as one, the intoxicating scent of your soft hair, the warmth and fluff of your small body pressing against mine. This is enough proof for me that heaven exists. The song dies down. The vibration of the guitar remained.


 
   The rate at which the colors changes dies down. It settles on a constant white light. The absence of ridiculously flashing lights snap me out of my daydream. I looked from left to right, everyone's still looking at the performance up in the stage. The song is not finished. I'm not on the other side of the line and you're not in my arms. Feeling somewhat disappointed, I still let out a sigh. But I thought to myself, the song isn't finished yet. One day, I'll be able to walk that distance separating us and by the time the piano solo ends, I'll be able to show you just how much I

Liberation

   "...tone...lute..."

   An inaudible voice flutters through the deafening sound of the speakers. I decide to disregard the voice and continue listening to the band.

  "...flu...hey...HEY!"

   A physical shock from my right shoulder pulls me from cloud nine. I open my eyes, only to be blinded by the bright lights of the stage. Varying colors flash from the high-powered stage lights. Every split-second, the color changes. From red to blue to green to violet to white to red to yellow to whatever. I squint my eyes and averted my look to the ground.

  "Why the hell are you sleeping while watching a concert?", my friend who shook me up asked.
  "I wasn't sleeping.", I monotonously replied. I knew he wouldn't believe me if I said I was simply hooked by the music. To begin with, I'm not exactly the kind of guy who listens to a lot of different songs or goes to gigs to see a certain band. I don't even play an instrument, for crying out loud. My eyes have adjusted slightly to the blinking lights. I looked up to the band performing on the stage.

   "Anyway, I was asking if you still need to tone a flute?"
 
   Why is he asking me, of all people?

   "I don't know. Maybe not."

   But I do know why he's asking. I keep noticing a certain sound coming in and out of the jive. He plays a note but never continues with the song. He stops abruptly as if he notices something off with the way he plays or the sound he produces. I'm not sure. As I said, I don't know anything about music. I won't recognize if that one guy misses a note. Nor will I know if he actually knows how to handle the instrument properly. As far as I'm concerned, I was enjoying what I was hearing. It invokes a feeling inside me that's so strangely different, yet so warm and comforting. Like a sincere hug from a distant acquaintance you haven't seen in months.

   Maybe you were wondering why I had my eyes closed while the band was performing. I wasn't being pretentious. I don't ever want to come across as pretentious, especially on something like music where a lot of people have strong opinions of it. No. Remember the epilepsy-inducing stage lights? It started to seriously strain my eyes after staring at the stage for a few minutes. At first, I didn't want to back down. I wanted to show I can handle it. Ok, maybe I just wanted to prove to myself that I can handle it. But just after 10 or so minutes, I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I tried looking at the ground to escape the technocolor hell but even the ground's color were changing in rapid succession. I struggle to keep my eyes open as my it involuntarily squints to a close. I don't want to close my eyes! I won't be able to watch the---

   All black.

   The beat seemed to pound on my chest harder. I couldn't distinguish the instruments but I could tell all of them have one soul. It kept flowing around me, consuming me, ridding me of any other sense other than my hearing. A sea of sound, and I was happily drowning. Something powerful overcame me when I closed my eyes. I felt shackles shatter within me. I didn't care what the stage lights is doing, nor did I care that the one holding the flute kept massaging his jaw after every note. I didn't care that I was in front of the stage, nor did I care if they saw me as someone sleeping in the middle of a concert. I haven't been to many live gigs nor have been too enthusiastic about music, but at that moment, music consumed me. It cut the rope I was holding on, let me freefall through an endless cliff while hugging me tightly all the way down. Waves beating me down from all directions, throwing me down then pushing me back up. Not once did I resist. Maybe for the trained ear, they may have heard countless mistakes in the song and in the end call it a failure of a set and I'm sure I'd be oblivious of it all. And you know what, I don't really mind. In this particular case, ignorance IS bliss.

   After the set of our friends band, we took a few photos then went our separate ways. Most of them went straight to their homes. Some must have eaten out on the way. Our group was divided to two, each going to different terminals. I went with one group, but as they were boarding, I stopped and waved them good bye. They were a bit confused, but still bid me farewell. The air was cold. I tucked my hands in my pocket and started to walk back to the grounds. I wasn't in any hurry. The sound coming from the grounds was loud enough that I could still hear it while walking back. Now, it was just me, alone, walking down in wide road without anyone to share it with. The sound of the instruments still booming in my ears. I didn't have to think about anything else. Just me and the sound of their souls. Thank God for music.

I Won't Lose It

Theater has been something I've held a few years back. I focused most of my energy into it and I was always fulfilled. One can say I actually got pretty good at what I do. But I didn't let it get to my head because I knew I wasn't good enough. That the world is SO large, much much larger than the 4 corners of our AVR. I knew my level still can't be compared to the outside world. I promised myself I'll get better; I'll hone my skills after high school.

I broke that promise.

I'm not sure what happened. One thing's for sure : theater's still in my heart. It never went away. But...I really don't know. Did I get busy? Not really. At least not enough to stop theater. I didn't even try to find an organization inside the campus that practices theater. Maybe I got scared? Scared of going out there and actually putting myself side-by-side with other people. Scared that maybe, I'm really not that good. I didn't want to break that image of myself inside my head. I knew I was good. I didn't want to be proven otherwise.

Still, more than 2 years of idle time, I think it's starting to eat me up. Lately, I've been struggling with myself. My insecurities started growing. It's like I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. For some reason, I always fall short. I feel so...average. Forgettable. I felt like I didn't have any defining characteristic. Just...normal.

I used to be so sure of myself. I knew what I was. I knew what I can do.

I don't want to stay that way. I think I found the springboard that can get me out of this gray hell that I'm in. A theater workshop from a prestigious group has opened up. I'm not sure what will happen to me when I get there or if I'll even be able to join, but I don't want to give up. If I have to kneel down to my mom, I'll do it. I want to feel it again. That rush when I go up the stage and the blinding light hits my eyes. The way it blocks my view of the audience as if severing my ties with this world and going inside another. I want it back. I won't lose theater in my life.

Gray

You,
whose name carries a familiar ring.
I've seen you countless times before
yet I know nothing of you.
A shroud of mystery,
empty mystery.
I look at you
and see bits of him,
parts of her,
traits of those around,
but never you.
Then again,
who EXACTLY are you?
You run fast, but never faster.
Never stronger, never on top.
Just a wanderer of the gray
soulless background
that fill the gap between the ones
who shine.
Every time I look in the mirror
I ask,
"Since when did I stop
seeing me, and started
seeing you?"

I feel sad.

It also bums me that I have to write that here just to release my sadness. I can't even put it in such an artsy manner to somehow make the whole thing sound good. Haaaay. This rubber ducky is my only saving grace.

I hate myself for...

I hate myself for worrying too much about the little things.

I hate myself for not having enough confidence nor courage.

I hate myself for being too aware of you.

I hate myself for being too self-conscious when you're around.

I hate myself for not being able to utter a word to you when all I want to do is spend my time talking to you.

I hate myself for being jealous.

I hate myself for feeling envious of the people who gets to spend time with you, laugh with you, play with you, share with you the thoughts they have and the tears they shed.

I hate myself for feeling envious of the people you trust, you depend on. The people who make you feel happy and comfortable.

I hate myself for liking you this much, yet being unable to do anything to justify it nor show it to you.

Don't worry, I don't like you either.

I Really Need To Write This Follow-up

I don't know what happened to my last entry. I was supposed to write about something...let's say more personal. Notice I've been using "I" in the first paragraph, then I started using "you" on the succeeding ones. I wasn't exactly planning on writing about routines and signals (which I wasn't that aware before the time of its writing XD). I wanted to write about how unproductive I've been feeling and how my daily life seem to lack a certain amount of thrill and excitement. Instead, I ended up writing about my baseless opinion on why you're not lifting up that pen and answering your homework.

To be honest, when I started writing my previous entry, I didn't know what I exactly it is that I want to write about. I just knew that I was feeling inexplicably bored and unproductive and that it didn't feel right. How exactly am I going to describe the depth of the gap in my heart and what I think about when it just wasn't in me. I don't know where exactly I want to take content of the entry.

So being goalless and directionless right from the beginning, I spouted out words and ideas that weren't exactly on the top of my head while I was writing. All I knew was that I have to follow up the last sentence that I wrote. That I have to keep the topic, whatever it has become, alive. I guess I don't dislike being lost on my own words like that. To a certain extent, I got to explain to myself that things that I have been thinking about in the past. Things I've been bothered about. Questions I didn't know the answer to. And problems I didn't know how to solve. All the answer seems to be sleeping just inside me. And it is in these directionless walking of the fingers that I get to dig up those answers. It's pretty amazing. Like there's another person inside you guiding you, yet that person is still you. Self-exploration is an amazing feature our brains have. It can be activated and invoked in a bunch of different manners. And thank goodness for blogging that I get to engage on such a journey.

On Routines and Signals

I feel there's something lacking. I still can't pinpoint what it is, but I feel like there should something...more. Lately, I've been feeling a rather steep decline in my willingness to be productive. I simply can't get myself to read my notes, touch up on those diagrams, or even search anything...well, anything. In the next days, I find a pattern to what I'm doing. Mainly because I often realize, "Hey, haven't I done this just a few days ago?" or "Haven't I listened to these songs for the past week without switching?". It feels cyclical. Like there's a routine to what I'm doing. And the worst part is that I didn't catch on it sooner.

Once you've been caught on that routine, you won't even realize you're in it. Simply because you're used to doing whatever you're doing. It's "normal" for you to be doing this or doing that in the same time of day everyday. Seemingly, nothing's wrong. This is particularly true for harmless routines. Same goes with habits. The routine you're doing doesn't harm you in any way so there's nothing to signal up your brain and say, "Hey man, we gotta stop doing this. It's becoming a problem for us.". No. As a matter of fact, it even lets your mind "rest" by saving it the effort of consciously thinking. You act out your routine almost involuntarily and surprisingly without fail. If most of your daily activities consist of routines, then you're most likely not using that much brain power to get through the day.

When you are now presented with something coming outside of your routine, for example, a requirement to finish or a reading to...well read, it gets pushed over or thrown away. It's not part of the flow. You may try and incorporate it suddenly in your "schedule", but in the end, you find yourself listening to the same music while staring at a blank screen with the same opened tabs, not able to finish anything.

As the deadlines come closer, a certain pressure drives you to a corner. You get more anxious on why you're not doing the things you're supposed to be doing. By putting it all off before, you now have such little time to finish. And your workload has piled up! Holy damn, what to do?! This is now becomes the signal. The signal that tells your brain, "Hey man, we gotta stop doing this. It's becoming a problem for us.". You're now presented with a negative result due to your routine. If this still doesn't wake you up, an even more hard-hitting signal will come after some time. This is when you've actually missed your deadline or failed a quiz or an exam. These present you with an even more concrete signal to stop. Your grades will get lower, your boss will start asking what's wrong (or simply eat your ass up, if that's the kind of boss you have), and so on and so forth.

If at this point, you still can't pull yourself out of the deep shthole you've dug called a "routine", then you're gonna have to do some serious thinking. And talking. Think about your current situation more carefully. Think about the consequences your routine has made. Then talk about it with your close family and peers. Ask them for help. Ask them to push you out of the tight spot that you've stuck yourself into.

Of course, it'd be nicer if you don't get to that point. Once the first signals come your way, be aware of them and act upon them immediately. Signals at that point hover around inside your head and your head alone. Once you've ignored those signals, those signals will materialize in the outside world, where things can be pretty permanent. You wouldn't want that.

Tss.

I told myself I'll write something positive but what the hell am I doing? =)) Oh well, please bear with me for now. :(

Admit It

Admit it.

Admit that you're scared. That the uncertainty is eating you up. It scares you that it's nothing "simple", nothing that can be called "ordinary". The possibility of it taking away everything you have and everything you dreamed of having.

Admit that you've done something wrong. That you've been making dumb decisions left and right. That you haven't thinking about your actions. That all of those are now catching up to you and you're gonna have to turn back and face them all.

Admit that you weren't careful. That it was your fault and yours alone. That you can't have it all. That sometimes you're gonna trip, fall and get wounded.

Admit that you need someone. That you can't do it alone; can't handle it alone. That you need someone to talk to. Someone who will hear you. Someone who will listen. Someone who'll hold while you're shivering in fear. Darkness becomes more daunting when pursued alone.

Admit that you're not strong enough to hold back your tears. You're weaker than you think, or at least pretend to be.

Admit it.

Admit it all.

Sorry About That

Aaaaaaaah. I feel like there's too much negativity in this blog. I promise I'll put up something more positive to counter all mah previous posts. =))

Just Stop

Stop. I can't tolerate you smoldering us with your self-pity anymore. I know being alienated from a topic can be pretty sad, but you don't have to slap that fact on our faces. Just don't react. It's as if you're screaming "Hey hey hey hey! I don't get what you're talking about so let's change the topic to my needs!". Asshole. Do you want us to comfort you? Or do you want us to affirm your faults and shortcomings? Those miserable nudges have become increasingly annoying each passing day. Then when you see even a little hole you can use to topple another person, you attack him as if you're the most knowledgeable person alive. I can always imagine you being a character that's always been put down and because of this, you bottled up feelings of revenge that you dish out to other people you think are below you.

I can't believe I can actually dislike someone this much. I feel bad about it, but whatever. I'd rather be this way than bottle it up and suddenly explode without due warning.